Dirty Jokes
Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
I wonder if we can get a "Dirty Joke" thread started here. Obviously nothing with explicit profanity or anything eg. the F-Word, etc would be able to be posted but I guess more off-color stuff. Maybe we could put symbols in for profanity.

Webmaster, do we have approval to start a thread like this?

I've got a couple of pretty funny ones.

[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (5/3/2009)]
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Someone will take it too far, Kyle. Then people will suggest more Jesus music for everyone. Then we'll have to compose posts written entirely from Stryper lyrics.

Do you really want that on your conscience, Kyle? I didn't think so.

Besides, Richard wouldn't understand the dirty jokes.

Q: What do you call a Mexican prostitute with no legs?
A: Consuelo.

* My apologies to all people of Mexican descent, all prostitutes and all people named, "Consuelo." If you're a Mexican prostitute named "Consuelo," however ...
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Posted by T Brown (+478) 12 years ago
Brian....I am reading this before I go to work....You crack me up. Thanx for the joke of the day...appreciate it....It just might turn out to be a good Monday after all!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
T - You'll have to thank my co-worker Bob for that one.
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Posted by Steve Sullivan (+1334) 12 years ago
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
__________________
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Posted by Chuck Schott (+1284) 12 years ago
I can't do it.

[This message has been edited by Chuck Schott (5/4/2009)]
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Here's a couple of my all-time favorites.

Q: What do soybeans and sex toys have in common?
A:They're both meat substitutes.

Q:What do you call an Italian prostitute?
A:Lays-on-ya (Lasagna)

[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (5/4/2009)]
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Posted by clm (+104) 12 years ago
I dunno, Kyle and Brian -- what would be worse - Jesus music or being blasted with an encore from Talbot's favorite band -- the "New Kid in Town" by Bob and the Friskers?
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Ummm, Clm didn't you mean to put that in the "Jesus Music" thread?
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Posted by Bob Netherton (+1893) 12 years ago
You are very easily amused, Kyle.
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Very much so Bob
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
I hear ya Chuck. This could be so much fun, but I can't make myself pull the trigger. Someone will be offended, and I just can't do that for a laugh. I will read them all though.
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Oh come on Matt, post it. I double-dog dare ya!
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Posted by Darcie Black Fast (+27) 12 years ago
What's good on pie, but not on p_ssy?
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
I can't wait for this one!
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Me too.

[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (5/4/2009)]
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Posted by Darcie Black Fast (+27) 12 years ago
Crust!!
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
Thas just sick enough to be hilarious! Thank you for that great laugh.
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Posted by Darcie Black Fast (+27) 12 years ago
Thanks! It makes guys cringe everytime...I love that joke!
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
I dunno, Kyle and Brian -- what would be worse - Jesus music or being blasted with an encore from Talbot's favorite band -- the "New Kid in Town" by Bob and the Friskers?

Chicken or egg? I dunno.

And in other matters ...

Damn, Darcie. Damn.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
"Someone will take it too far, Kyle. Then people will suggest more Jesus music for everyone. Then we'll have to compose posts written entirely from Stryper lyrics.

Do you really want that on your conscience, Kyle? I didn't think so.

Besides, Richard wouldn't understand the dirty jokes.

Q: What do you call a Mexican prostitute with no legs?
A: Consuelo.

* My apologies to all people of Mexican descent, all prostitutes and all people named, "Consuelo." If you're a Mexican prostitute named "Consuelo," however ..."

Ahem...

I think you forgot something/someone Brian.
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
I've got one about parsley bit that might be a bit too much. I can post it people (and the Webmaster) gives the go ahead.
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
I think you forgot something/someone Brian.

All legless people?

I've got one about parsley bit that might be a bit too much. I can post it people (and the Webmaster) gives the go ahead.

I think this thread is on the express lane to Purgatory no matter what you do, Kyle. Might as well make the most of it while it's here.

[This message has been edited by Brian A. Reed (5/4/2009)]
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
So here is a dirty joke:

A pig fell in the mud.

And here is a clean joke:

The pig took a bath.

Yup Wendy, one way or another every thread ends up talking about bacon.
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
:tumbleweeds:

:cricketschirping:
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Posted by wilmajean (+39) 12 years ago
How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.
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Posted by Scott (+255) 12 years ago
What do you call 4 lepers in a hot tub?...........Soup
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
Ok. Here goes.

Whats the difference between meat and fish?
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
Wait for it...............
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
If you beat your fish it will die.
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Posted by Matt Schmitz (+402) 12 years ago
Been telling that joke for probably 20 years, and it still cracks me up.
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
After posting the joke I think I'll self-edit the post.

[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (5/4/2009)]
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Posted by TALBOT (+251) 12 years ago
What do Cher and Seattle have in common?

Neither one of them is F---n' Sunny.

(I used to tell this joke before he passed away and it was funny then but now it just makes it a little sicker.)

From the Late Great George Carlin:
You can Prick your Finger....but don't Finger your Prick.

This is a bit from my old Stand-Up Act:

So, I get up this morning and my wife's making coffee in the kitchen. I slap her on the butt and say "Damn Honey, your butt's gettin' bigger than the Bar-B-Que." I was just kidding around you know.....So just before the show we were going to take a nap. I slap her on the butt and say "Are you in the Mood?' She looks at me and says "Do you think I'm gonna fire up this big 'ol Bar-B-Que for that one Little Weenie?"

[This message has been edited by TALBOT (5/5/2009)]
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Anybody hear the one about the woman who went fishing with five guys?

They didn't catch anything but she came back with a red snapper.
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Ok I've decided to repost the joke I was going to post earlier.

Q:What's the difference between p**** & parsley?

A:Nobody eats parsley.

Again, Webmaster, delete at your discretion.

[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (5/5/2009)]
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Posted by Shu (+1794) 12 years ago
Scott: the way I heard, lepers in a jacuzzi are called STEW, not soup.

Speaking of leper jokes:

- why was the leper hockey game stopped? There was a face off in the corner.

- why was the leper football game stopped? There was a hand off in the end zone.

- what do you call a leper in a pile of leaves? Russell.
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Posted by Shu (+1794) 12 years ago
Little farmboy Johnny was awakened by his mother early one morning to do his chores, as usual. He grumpily got dressed, stumbled down to the breakfast table and sat down.

"Now, Johnny, you know the rule. Your chores have to be done before you can eat. Now go feed the animals, and I'll have your breakfast ready when you get back."

A grumpy and hungry Johnny shuffled out the door and headed off to his chores. First, he slopped the pigs, but in anger he kicked one of the pigs before leaving the pen.

Then, he went to feed the cows and stopped to kick one of them before moving-on.

After that, he fed the chickens but gave one of them the boot before he left the coop.

Johnny then returned to the kitchen for his breakfast...to his frustration, his mother set before him only a bowl of dry cereal.

"Mom! Where's the rest of my breakfast? How come there's no bacon and eggs, and where's the milk for my cereal?"

"Well, Johnny," replied his mom, "I was watching you. You kicked the pig, so for that you get no bacon. Then you kicked the cows, so you get no milk for your cereal. You also kicked the chickens, so no eggs for you. That will teach you to not take your frustrations on the animals."

Johnny sat pouting before his bowl of dry cereal. A few minutes later, his dad walked-in. When the family cat got in his path to the breakfast table, the dad kicked the cat, sending it across the room....at which Johnny asked his mother:

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
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Posted by M T Zook (+515) 12 years ago
Two old biker chicks are grocery shopping. When they go through the produce aisle, one stops, grabs a couple of russet potatoes, hefts them in her hand, and says, "These really remind me of my Old Man."

The other replies in disbelief, "Are "they" really that big?"

"No," she says, "they are this dirty!"
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask
them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.


'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he
asked the second man.


'Hmmm... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he
said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed
The same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
How has this thread survived to spawn 39 posts? What wonders never cease!
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Larry must be on vacation.

Well deserved I must say.
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Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3745) 12 years ago
Here's one that was floating around when the Seahawks were really terrible.

Did you hear that the Seahawks drafted two nuns and a prostitute?

They wanted two tight-ends and a wide receiver.


[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (5/6/2009)]
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
Panchito and Pedro worked together and both were laid off
so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Panchito answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic on da
ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher." Finding it
classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel
Fitter," he replied.

Since "Diesel Fitter" was a "skilled" job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Panchito found out, he was furious. He stormed back
into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was
collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers" are
"unskilled labor," but "Diesel Fitters" are "skilled."
"What skill?" yelled Panchito. "I sew
da elastic on da panties, then Pedro puts dem over his head
and says, 'yeah, diesel fitter.'
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
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Posted by CalebSamuelson (+109) 12 years ago
Richard,
That joke works well with the names Sven and Ole too. I love telling that one.
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Much thanks to the http://www.tshirthell.com website for these:

A homeless guy walks into a bar. He starts telling everyone secrets about the government right before people start making him dance for quarters. Everyone in the room has lost a little bit of their humanity this night. Then the homeless guy starts eating the shrimp people are throwing in his beard. Homeless people are funny.

Six million really old Jews walk into a bar and one of them says "We went hiking and got lost for a really long time. I hope no one jumped to any crazy conclusions about us."

A Christian walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets down nothing. The Christian says "Where's my beer?" The bartender answers "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there." The Christian replies "You've made your point; give me my beer." The bartender shoots back "You have your beer. I don't care how much proof you show me to the contrary, I will always think there's a beer there." The Christian responds "I f**king get it! Just give me my beer so I can go home and beat my wife!"

A little boy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Catholic Priest. "Catholic Priest?" says the bartender. "What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the boy. "That's the drink I have to force down my throat and never tell my parents about."

A Catholic priest walks into a bar and orders a Choir Boy. The bartender says "A Choir Boy? What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the priest, "that's the drink I force fingers into until it bleeds and cries. Get it? Because of the molestation thing? I can't believe we're still in business."

A Muslim walks into a bar and the whole place blows up before something funny can happen.

A guy in a wheelchair doesn't walk into a bar.
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Posted by K.Duffy (+1807) 12 years ago
Brian, Brian, Brian...

What's better than a dozen roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!
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Posted by T Brown (+478) 12 years ago
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
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Posted by Steve Craddock (+2732) 12 years ago
Brian - I didn't really believe in Hell despite all your haiku to the contrary - but now that I've read the "jokes" you posted, I can no longer deny the existence of a place of eternal suffering.

Or, as you would say - HOLY mother of butter!
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Posted by V (+168) 12 years ago
That is funny...now from the mouth of my friend April.
Two potato chips are standing on the corner which one is the prostitute? The potato chip jumping up and down yelling I-da-ho,
I-da-ho...
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Posted by K.Duffy (+1807) 12 years ago
We need more Little Johnny jokes! Here's my fav:

The teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Suzy raises her hand and says, " The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher compliments her, but tells her it's not true, as the sky can also be gray, black or nearly white.
Little Johnny keeps raising his hand and waving wildly, so the teacher decides to give him a chance, figuring he shouldn't be able to make a dirty sentence out of this word!
Little Johnny says, "First I have to ask a question. "Can a [email protected] stay warm for 3 minutes?"
The teacher rolls her eyes, and replies, "No, Johnny"
Johnny then says, "Okay, then I definitely sh!t my pants!"
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Posted by Ken Minow (+375) 12 years ago
The wife is woken from a deep sleep to find her very drunken husband wobbling at the foot of the bed with a sheep under his arm.
"This is the pig I boink when you have a headache"mumbles the man.
The woman says"That's not a pig,that's a sheep"
The guy says"I wasn't talking to you".
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Brian - I didn't really believe in Hell despite all your haiku to the contrary - but now that I've read the "jokes" you posted, I can no longer deny the existence of a place of eternal suffering.

Or, as you would say - HOLY mother of butter!


If you think the jokes are bad, you should see some of the t-shirt designs at the website. More than a few of them are on my birthday wish list. I don't think Heather's too game on letting me order any of them, though.
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Jim and Wendy are honeymooning in Jamaica. Before leaving for their trip - and as a testament of his love for his new bride - Jim visits a tattoo parlor, where he gets his wife's name tattooed on his penis.

A few days later, the newlyweds are on a nude beach. Due to shyness, cold water (or any variety of reasons), "Wendy" has been abbreviated to "Wy."

While Jim and Wendy are walking on the beach, they encounter a rather well-endowed native of the island. To Jim's shock (and embarrassment) he notices the same "Wy" on the man's penis.

Before Jim can look away, the Jamaican notices Jim staring at him. Trying to save face, Jim stammers, "Uh, I, uh, couldn't help but notice your tattoo. Is your wife's name Wendy, too?"

The islander replies, "No, Mon. It says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, Mon. Have a nice day."
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Posted by Steve Craddock (+2732) 12 years ago
Ask Heather whether she'd let you have a t-shirt with an image of 3-Pelicans flying past the moon? If she says yes, I'm gonna take Hal's advice and start printing them up!
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Posted by Steve Craddock (+2732) 12 years ago
And of course I have to ask the question: Is Wendy's husband really named Jim?
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Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
And of course I have to ask the question: Is Wendy's husband really named Jim?

Maybe Wendy's husband is Jamaican.

I had to liven the joke up a bit. "Wendy" is vital to the joke making sense, and I threw in "Jim" as the guy's name for a joke inside a joke.
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Posted by Steve Sullivan (+1334) 12 years ago
Did you hear about the little Greek boy that tried to run away from home?

He just couldn't leave his brother's behind.
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