supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A toothless termite walked into a tavern and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Top
supporter
Posted by Steve Craddock (+2743) 12 years ago
A personal favorite:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Top
founder
Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+185) 12 years ago
Dog limps into a bar, with a heavily bandaged front leg. Walks to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."
Top
founder
supporter
Posted by G. Huss (+166) 12 years ago
A possible witzelsucht epidemic?
Top
supporter
Posted by Bob L. (+5094) 12 years ago
Bear walks into a bar and says,

"I'll have a beer AND..................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
...................................a bag of chips."





The bartender asks, "Why the long pause?"
Top
Posted by WATTS (+223) 12 years ago
Two peanuts were walking thru a park and one was a salted! God I love that joke it seemed to fit here. How about a knock joke? Ok you start it!Ha Ha Ha!
Top
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Frank Hardy (+1606) 12 years ago
Knock-knock......


...well????

....hello!!!!!


Oh. I get it.

How do you keep a doofus in suspense?

Cheers!
FH
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A movie fanatic had a pet parakeet. Because the bird was an utter wimp, and the man had a perverse sense of humor, he named the parakeet "Falcon."

The man was also a bit of a sadist. He kept the birdcage on the sill of his first-floor-front window, and the local kids all stopped by to make fun of this poor bird.

Every day at 3 when school let out, the kids came by and stopped to growl, yell, and otherwise scare the poor thing.

One day just before 3 a friend stopped by to the movie fanatic's house and said, "The Cinema Art is showing CASABLANCA. Wanna go?"

"No thanks," he replied. "I'd rather stay home and watch them all tease Falcon."
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago
A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unbuttoned his shirt and his chest and stomach were purple.

With his head in his hands he cried. . . .

.

.

"Oh my God! I've been marooned!"
Top
Posted by James (+94) 12 years ago
Did you hear the one about the canibal that passed his brother while running through the jungle?
Top
supporter
Posted by Wendy Wilson (+6165) 12 years ago
Is that like "I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago
A young man wanted to go ice fishing (I think he was from Minot or maybe Watford City). He had looked at many books on the subject (he'd even read a couple of them) . . . so finally after rounding up all the necessary gear, he headed for the ice.

After setting up his canvas fish house and laying out his gear, he began to augur himself a hole. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed out: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the young man moved a bit further down the ice, downed a shot of antifreeze (I think it was Snowshoe, you know, equal parts of brandy and peppermint snaps), and set to work on another hole. Again from up high a voice rang out: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The young man, now pretty worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice and one more time to chop a hole in the ice. And wouldn't you know it . . . again the mysterious voce from above called down to him: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

This time the young man couldn't help himself, he stopped looked skyward and said with a trembling voice, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied: "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"
Top
Posted by AJS (+219) 12 years ago
Thought for the Day.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

Ajs
Top
supporter
Posted by Bob L. (+5094) 12 years ago
John Elway walked into a tavern,

and the bartender asked,

"Why the long face?"
Top
supporter
Posted by Bob L. (+5094) 12 years ago
Sarah Jessica Parker walked into a tavern,

And the bartender asked,

"Why the long face?"
Top
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Frank Hardy (+1606) 12 years ago
A Nixon impersonator wearing an Obama mask walked into a Chinese restaurant and the restauranteur said,

"Why the rong face?"

He came back later with a chinese mask on and the restauranteur said,

"Why the Wong face?"

Cheers!
FH
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago
Two men walk into a bar.

.

.

Jeez . . . you'd think the second one would've ducked.
Top
supporter
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+17321) 12 years ago
Marrying A Jersey Girl

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Delaware and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.


The second man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey.. He told her that her
duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.......
.
.
.
.
..........enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Top
Posted by AJS (+219) 12 years ago
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

ajs
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to any software testing.
Top
Posted by turnip blood (+26) 12 years ago
You hear the one about Greenpeace being mad at the US Airways pilot for disturing the flow of the Hudson........come to find out they were actually upset that he hit two birds and woke the fish.

You guys hear the one about the bank president that wouldn't pay fees to his own bank? Wait a minute, it was actually a guy offered the job of running the Treasury that didn't pay taxes until he found out he was getting the job.

I can never tell the last one right, or maybe I just can't make it sound good. Regardless, it sure as hell isn't funny.

[This message has been edited by turnip blood (edited 1/23/2009).]

[This message has been edited by turnip blood (edited 1/24/2009).]
Top
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1893) 12 years ago
A young couple was devastated to learn that their baby boy was born with no torso - only a head. They did their best to raise the child in as normal a manner as possible. When the boy reached his twenty-first birthday, his father decided to take him to a bar for his first drink.

Dad poured the first drink down his child's throat and was shocked and amazed when his sons's torso appeared - seeming to burst forth from his head. The amazed crowd in the bar urged the bartender to give the kid another drink. The bartender, with trepidation, obliged the crowd and amazingly, perfectly formed arms sprung from the son's torso.

The crowd, now in a frenzy, pleaded with the bartender to give the kid one more drink. Again, reluctantly, because the kid had already had two stiff drinks, the bartender poured the young man a drink. Incredibly, two perfectly formed legs sprung from the kid's torso.

The young man, ecstatic over his new found body, jumped up and ran out into the street where he was immediately hit by a car and killed.

The bartender, wiping down his bar and shaking his head exclaimed, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago


Top
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
Bob - Brad Lee once told an extended version of your "Head" joke on a football trip. The joke lasted for about 200 miles; the groaning after the punchline another 10 or so.

I'm not sure if the joke was told when I was a sophomore or a junior. If it was during my sophomore season, Bridgier may remember it.
Top
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1893) 12 years ago
Is keeping that dog any safer than keeping a cougar?
Top
Posted by Derf Bergman (+583) 12 years ago
Two men were walking their dogs in the park. They struck up an interesting conversation. As they were leaving the park, the conversation continued. They were travelling the same way as they talked and passed the corner bar.



The first said: "Let's stop in here for a drink."



The second replied: "We can't. We have our dogs with us."



"Just follow my lead," said the first. He took a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. He offered another pair of sunglasses to his new friend who also put them on.



They went in the bar and sat down at a table. The bartender came over and said to the first man: "Hey buddy. No pets are allowed in this bar."



"This is no pet," the man replied. "This is a guide-dog."



"Oh, right," replied the bartender sarcastically. "Who ever heard of a pit-bull guide-dog?"



"Well," answered the man. "This is a very dangerous world we live in. Disabled people are assaulted every day. My dog is the answer to that problem. He is a guide-dog/guard-dog; specially trained to protect me."



The bartender shook his head, then looked at the second man and said: "And I suppose that's a Chihuahua guide-dog?"



The man answered in mock disbelief: "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Top
supporter
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+17321) 12 years ago
Q: What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Dallas in case of a tornado?
A: To Texas Stadium- they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why was Wade Phillips upset when the Dallas Cowboys play book was
stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Top
supporter
Posted by spacekace (+896) 12 years ago
...What did the doe say when she came out of the forest?

...I'll never do that again for two bucks!

Ha..ha..ha
Top
supporter
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+17321) 12 years ago
WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French."

The interview ended at that point.
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
The butcher in my supermarket decided to get fancy. He took some twine with which ham is wrapped and held together, which is imbued with the flavor of the pig meat, and wrapped some shellfish with it, thus imparting the ham flavor to the crustaceans.

But the meat manager learned of the experiment and, taking a dim view of it, ordered him to remove the thus-treated shellfish immediately.

When I needed some help in the meat department but couldn't find the butcher, I inquired of a stock clerk as to the butcher's whereabouts.

The stock clerk replied, "He's pulling his ham-string mussels."

~~~~~~~~
When Dr. Frankenstein visited the cemetery and started collecting body parts, the zombies were totally disarmed.

In fact many of them had several limbs yanked off and were left severely crypt pulled.
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence. The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard.

He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied "Beep repaired!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.

I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of wind chilled vipers?
Top
Posted by Nathan Miles (+20) 12 years ago
that last one is the first joke to actually make me laugh in a while.

i have heard hundreds of jokes since i got in the navy, and most of them are so bad (one way or another...) that i wish i could erase them from my brain. here is a decent one.

FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk
NAVY FRIENDS: Will post 360 degree security so you don't get caught

FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
NAVY FRIENDS: Know some wild shtuff will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route

FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
NAVY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Dang...we f 'ed up... but hey, that was fun "

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
NAVY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
NAVY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
NavY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night

FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
NAVY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.


FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
NAVY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.
Top
supporter
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+17321) 12 years ago
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago


Top
Posted by AJS (+219) 12 years ago
Why do Humming Birds Hum? They can't remember the words.
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
Top
Posted by AJS (+219) 12 years ago
Education is the process of moving from cocksure to thoughtful uncertainty.
Top
Posted by Samantha (+115) 12 years ago
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago


Top
Posted by WATTS (+223) 12 years ago
So two guys were in a gay bar and...............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh never mind you know the rest, you were there!
Top
supporter
Posted by JCF (+393) 12 years ago
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table,eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken coffee Table $239.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:



PRICELESS
Top
supporter
Posted by JCF (+393) 12 years ago
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table,eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken coffee Table $239.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:



PRICELESS
Top
supporter
Posted by JCF (+393) 12 years ago
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name... The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...


'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
Top
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1893) 12 years ago
I saw this one on "Vicar of Dibley". Caution. Possibly(probably) offensive.

Superman was flying around one day, feeling sorry for himself due to his loneliness, when he spotted Wonder Woman laying naked, with legs apart, on top of a tall building. He thought to himself 'I could zip down there, have sex with her, and fly off before she knew what happened'.

So he did.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman said.

"I don't know" said The Invisible Man, as he climbed off of Wonder Woman, "but it hurt like hell."
Top
Posted by Samantha (+115) 12 years ago
A guy walks into his psychiatrists office wearing nothings but shorts made out of saran wrap.

the psychiatrists says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Top
Posted by Steve Sullivan (+1333) 12 years ago
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.'
'So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'
Top
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6014) 12 years ago
John Elway walked into a tavern,

and the bartender asked,

"Why the long face?"


Shouldn't that first line read, "John Elway was carried into a bar by Terrell Davis?"
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School
Bus Company.

His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. There he sees a mother and her two daughters.

The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?"

The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is
Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne."

He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they're fat.

The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age...."

He keeps his tongue under control.

She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus."

"No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats.

He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son.

The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says,

"Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special."

And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals.

The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day."

"No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front.

The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy.

The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?"

He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am."

She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester."

And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully.

The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet."

The driver nods sympathetically.

The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall."

The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat.

And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rear view mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet.

Our driver shudders and drives on.

He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn.

He parks the bus and finds his supervisor.

He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I quit!"

The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?"

The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job."

The boss says, "What are you talking about?"

The bus driver answers, "Here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be.... Two obese Pattys, special Josh and Lester Cleese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus?"
Top
Posted by Samantha (+115) 12 years ago
Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
After many moons without a single drop of precipitation, the wise old Indian medicine man called together a few of the tribal elders and suggested that they attempt a good old fashioned rain dance. Now it had been many years since anyone in the tribe had participated in this arcane ritual, as not many of them still believed in the "old ways."
Still, desperate times call for desperate measures and a rain dance was scheduled for that very evening.

Many of the youngest members of the tribe showed to witness the ritual, hear the elders sing the archaic songs and stomp their hopeful invocations to the great spirit. The youngsters were surprised, however, when the wise old medicine man informed them that all members of the tribe must participate.

"But we don't even know the words," many of them complained.

"That's okay," said the wise one. "Just follow my lead and sing along as best you can."

Only a few of the elders actually knew the proper words and dance steps, so despite all of their enthusiasm, they were unable to create much of a sound with their tired old voices. Once the action began, the reluctant and uninspired youngsters joined in only half-heartedly with their timid awkward steps and very faint voices. It was a less- than-inspiring performance and very unlikely that the Great Spirit would even be able to hear their lame entreaties.

Of course a few members of the local news media were in attendance, and the dutiful weatherman was forced to offer some scientific speculation on the potential effectiveness of this curious ritual. Not wanting to seem totally dismissive of the rich cultural heritage of the noble tribe, he added a cautiously hopeful note at the end of his otherwise "same old same old" forecast.

"Tomorrow will be hot and dry again with Small Chants of Rain."
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
When I was six, Mommy gave me an Easter bunny, and it was my responsibility to take care of him. I called him Fluffy because he had long hair and was fluffy just like my favorite stuffed animals. The only problem was his fluffy fur caught everything it came into contact with - leaves, feathers, food, you name it. If he rubbed against it, it stuck to him. So I spent most of the day combing all the foreign bodies out of his fur. It seemed I had to comb him twenty to thirty times a day.

One morning when my mother was making pancakes, my four-year-old sister, Jill, asked Mommy about the oil she poured into the skillet before putting the batter on. Mommy told her it was to prevent the food from sticking to the pan,

Well, Jill had a great idea. She would spread the magic liquid all over Fluffy's fur so the food and other substances wouldn't stick to him.

When I went to Fluffy's cage, I found he was no longer Fluffy. He looked emaciated with his fur plastered against his skin. I rushed into Mommy's room and asked her what to do. She came up with a simple solution.

As I was carrying Fluffy into the bathroom, Jill in tears came up to me and asked me what I was going to do.

I told her, "I'm gonna wash that PAM right out of my hare!"
Top
founder
supporter
sponsor
Posted by Hal Neumann (+9919) 12 years ago
One for the Gaels among us. . . .



A Scotsman went to see a doctor to complain about problems he was experiencing with his sex life.

After a thorough examination the doctor met with the gentleman to go over the test results. "Well, first off," the doctor said, "I wonder if you know you have a steering wheel stuck under your kilt?"

"Yes, I know about that," the Scot replied, "It's driving me nuts!"
Top
supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 12 years ago
Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my butt And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up...

The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside.

That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work...

I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into...

I was into it all night. Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny.

I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.
Top
Posted by Chuck Schott (+1284) 12 years ago
What do you call a black man that can fly a 747.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The pilot!!! You racist SOB.
Top
Posted by Jennifer Johnsgard (+40) 12 years ago
A horse walks into a bar and takes a seat on a bar stool,

the bartender looks at the horse and says, "hey fella - why the long face?"
Top