A woman brings a very limp chicken into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet chicken on the table, the vet puts his steth-oscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your chicken, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your chicken is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the chicken’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the chicken from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a chicken that is no longer of this world. Your chicken is dead.“
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The chicken’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.
“$150 just to tell me my chicken is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

For a joke this good, we should be able to vote twice! At least twice!!

As I recall, Shelly Mees told that joke 14 years ago.

Richard Bonine wrote:

As I recall, Shelly Mees told that joke 14 years ago.

I admit, if it involves recalling a campy joke that was posted here 14 years ago, you will defeat me every time.

So the guy was at the doctor’s office.
The doctor came into the room and said
I’m sorry, but you have HAGS.
The guy said HAGS, what is HAGS?
The doctor said, it’s
Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis
The guy said, is there a cure for HAGS?
The Doctor said that’s the good news
There’s a treatment. We put you in a room.
We feed you nothing but lefse.
The guy says Lefse, Lefse cures HAGS?
The doctor says, no.
But it slides right under the door.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching, he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations."

You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.