Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
Eggs Benedict should always be served on a hubcap.
There is no plate like chrome for the hollendaise.
There is no plate like chrome for the hollendaise.
Posted by (+1911) 8 years ago
Maybe more fiber in your diet would help if you suffering from ruminations.
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Fr. Flanagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Fr. Flanagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."
An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.
The final ruling is negative, however. It read: "It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won't say what it is but wants Fr. Flanagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Fr. Flanagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."
An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin.
The final ruling is negative, however. It read: "It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
Christmas was over. Santa Claus and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. They had done a good job, and they deserved it.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
It wasn’t his glowing red nose that he wanted changed. He was proud of that nose and the help he and it had given to Santa. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or rabbit for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, Rudolph's doctor performed the surgery, and since that time, January 1 has been known as New Ears Day.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
It wasn’t his glowing red nose that he wanted changed. He was proud of that nose and the help he and it had given to Santa. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or rabbit for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, Rudolph's doctor performed the surgery, and since that time, January 1 has been known as New Ears Day.
Posted by (+283) 8 years ago
Richard submitted ten of his favorite puns to a national contest, hoping one of them would win... no pun intended! 
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Extra Bonus Joke:
An Australian Bushland farmer decided one day that he would sell his cattle as a cash protection against a predicted drought. He called a cattle buyer who examined the bovines and set a price.
Deciding it was far too low, the farmer decided he might do better by offering them for auction at the district fair.
There, the cows broke loose and trampled down a gate leading to a tent where the district band was playing "Waltzing Matilda." They milled around the uniformed musicians and fortunately hurt no one.
The crowd from the cattle auction followed the animals into the tent and cheered them on. When the auction resumed later, the cattle had gained so much attention they sold for twice as much as the original offer.
This surely proves that a herd in the band is worth two in the bush.
Extra Bonus Joke:
An Australian Bushland farmer decided one day that he would sell his cattle as a cash protection against a predicted drought. He called a cattle buyer who examined the bovines and set a price.
Deciding it was far too low, the farmer decided he might do better by offering them for auction at the district fair.
There, the cows broke loose and trampled down a gate leading to a tent where the district band was playing "Waltzing Matilda." They milled around the uniformed musicians and fortunately hurt no one.
The crowd from the cattle auction followed the animals into the tent and cheered them on. When the auction resumed later, the cattle had gained so much attention they sold for twice as much as the original offer.
This surely proves that a herd in the band is worth two in the bush.
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
There are no good puns about pasta. Just a fusilli remarks.
Posted by (+400) 8 years ago
So this is what afflicts Richard
"Lexophilia” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best examples is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
"Lexophilia” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best examples is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
Dang it, Barb... 18 potential posts shot to hell. You need to trade some of your shock and awe for patience. 
While I am in the neighborhood...
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
While I am in the neighborhood...
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Posted by (+146) 8 years ago
Trying not to be too risqué.
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No poop?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No poop?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Posted by (+146) 8 years ago
Keep your mind completely clean for this one. 
Six Basic Rules for Good Health!
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ... and may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind if you though it said something other than Fishing!!!
Six Basic Rules for Good Health!
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ... and may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind if you though it said something other than Fishing!!!
Posted by (+146) 8 years ago
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
“I’m a salesman for Preparation H,... so I'm still a hole behind you!
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
“I’m a salesman for Preparation H,... so I'm still a hole behind you!
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
I've got a dog called Minton. He has a habit of eating shuttlecocks. ..Bad Minton!
Posted by (+146) 8 years ago
A husband went to police station to file a report about his missing wife, this is how the dialogue went.
Husband :- I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.
Inspector :- What is her height ?
Husband :- I'm not too sure.
Inspector :- Slim or heavy?
Husband:- Not exactly slim.
Inspector :- Colour of eyes ?
Husband :- Never noticed.
Inspector :- Colour of hair ?
Husband :- Changes according to season.
Inspector :- What was she wearing?
Husband :- Jeans, maybe a suit I don't remember exactly.
Inspector :- Was she in a car?
Husband :- Yes.
Inspector :- Tell me the number, make and colour of the car ?
Husband :- Black Audi A8 with super-charged 3.0 litre V6 engine, generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip-tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new Custom-fit golf clubs & 'Powacaddy' electric trolley are in the trunk, and then the husband started crying.
Inspector:- Don't worry sir, we'll find your car!!
Husband :- I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.
Inspector :- What is her height ?
Husband :- I'm not too sure.
Inspector :- Slim or heavy?
Husband:- Not exactly slim.
Inspector :- Colour of eyes ?
Husband :- Never noticed.
Inspector :- Colour of hair ?
Husband :- Changes according to season.
Inspector :- What was she wearing?
Husband :- Jeans, maybe a suit I don't remember exactly.
Inspector :- Was she in a car?
Husband :- Yes.
Inspector :- Tell me the number, make and colour of the car ?
Husband :- Black Audi A8 with super-charged 3.0 litre V6 engine, generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip-tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new Custom-fit golf clubs & 'Powacaddy' electric trolley are in the trunk, and then the husband started crying.
Inspector:- Don't worry sir, we'll find your car!!
Posted by (+146) 8 years ago
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
Thought for the day: Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not between a man and a woman, between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. It is between love and love.
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
I hired a private origami tutor and I must say the quality of my work has improved tenfold!
Posted by (+15490) 8 years ago
Random question... If one were married in Treasure County MT in June of 1876 as they disembarked from the Far West, could we say that the service was conducted by a Justice of the Pease?