Richard's One-liners
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Ever since my mineral extraction facility was converted to parking, I've had a lot on my mine.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Went into a space bar once to get a quick brew. Not beer, just a hot cup of Earl Grey. Turns out the space bar doesn't serve that. They have a "zero grab a tea" policy.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
The saying "Hamming it up for the camera" started out as "Lambing it up for the camera," but all of the pictures came out too sheepish.
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Clones are people two.
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Posted by Elizabeth Emilsson (+796) 6 years ago
Thanks Richard and Gunnar. it's better than "zero graba tea".
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Tried to play my shoehorn and managed to make some footnotes.
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Posted by Wayne White (+265) 6 years ago
People used to get this in the funny papers, now just tune in to Miles City.com for your local enjoyment. Gotta go, left my enjun running.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Did you hear about Dr. Frankenstein's invention for cooking breakfast? He crossed a chicken with an electric organ, and now he's got Hammond eggs.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt that way.
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Posted by Barb Holcomb (+405) 6 years ago
Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes but no matches or anything to light them with. So what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter...

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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
I wonder if the inventor of the door knocker won a no-bell prize?
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
What do you get when you cross a reptile with a Canadian law enforcement officer?
A Mountie Python.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Mum's the word when you can't spell Chrysanthemum.
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Elizabeth Emilsson (+796) 6 years ago
HAT HAPPENED TO THE APRIL FOOL'S DAY JOKES?
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
It's almost impossible to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Do you ever wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented?
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Q: What do you call 10 rabbits hopping backwards?



A: A receeding hare line.
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moderator
founder
Posted by David Schott (+15425) 6 years ago
For Richard:

Q: What goes up and never comes down?

A: Your age!

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supporter
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Beau Bridges took a meteorology course in which the instructor was describing how hail is formed -- much higher than the usual rain clouds.

When he asked where specifically it happened, he was told, "Somewhere over the rain, Beau."
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Posted by Elizabeth Emilsson (+796) 6 years ago
Thanks , Richard. Keep them coming. I need the laughs.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
The baker and the actor both get paid by the roll.

The butcher and karate teacher both get paid by the chop.

The cop and the shirtmaker both get paid by the collar.

The lawyer and pastry chef both get paid by the tort.

The writer and occupation army both get paid by the script.

The canvas maker and the store clerk both get paid by the sail.

The electrician, the golfer and the race car driver get paid by the circuit.

The plumber and the investigative reporter both get paid by the leak.

The politician and the hog farmer both benefit from the pork.

The librarian and the embezzler both work off the books.

The opera star and stoolie both get paid by the song.

The bread maker and the masseur both get paid as much as they knead.

The lawyer and the beer distributor both get paid by the case.

The Judge and the umpire both get paid for ruling.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Did you ever want to call a maternity ward and ask if they deliver?
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago


BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
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Posted by Elizabeth Emilsson (+796) 6 years ago
That was really, really funny, Gunnar.

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Emilsson (5/9/2014)]
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
Thanks mom.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
That's funny...
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
It's quite uncanny!
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+15015) 6 years ago
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
I once told a joke to a bunch of noble gases, but they didn't react.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+14303) 6 years ago
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
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