Ever since my mineral extraction facility was converted to parking, I've had a lot on my mine.

At least it takes less time to get to the wincing.

I feel kind of cheated, Amorette. The rambling, somewhat pointless and endless "set-up" paragraphs are a nice diversion at the end of a difficult day.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: The snowballs.

Don't they have counselors for this? You would think someone could help him.

He needs to settle down and go back to work. He has way too much time on his hands.

Sorry, Richard. I get all the one-liners I need from the milescity.com Classifieds section. ----->

Maybe we should stage an intervention.

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

Went into a space bar once to get a quick brew. Not beer, just a hot cup of Earl Grey. Turns out the space bar doesn't serve that. They have a "zero grab a tea" policy.

If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?

The saying "Hamming it up for the camera" started out as "Lambing it up for the camera," but all of the pictures came out too sheepish.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Clones are people two.

Thanks Richard and Gunnar. it's better than "zero graba tea".

Tried to play my shoehorn and managed to make some footnotes.

People used to get this in the funny papers, now just tune in to Miles City.com for your local enjoyment. Gotta go, left my enjun running.

A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

Did you hear about Dr. Frankenstein's invention for cooking breakfast? He crossed a chicken with an electric organ, and now he's got Hammond eggs.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt that way.

Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes but no matches or anything to light them with. So what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter...

I wonder if the inventor of the door knocker won a no-bell prize?

What do you get when you cross a reptile with a Canadian law enforcement officer?
A Mountie Python.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Mum's the word when you can't spell Chrysanthemum.

HAT HAPPENED TO THE APRIL FOOL'S DAY JOKES?

It's almost impossible to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

Do you ever wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented?

Q: What do you call 10 rabbits hopping backwards?



A: A receeding hare line.

For Richard:

Q: What goes up and never comes down?

A: Your age!

Beau Bridges took a meteorology course in which the instructor was describing how hail is formed -- much higher than the usual rain clouds.

When he asked where specifically it happened, he was told, "Somewhere over the rain, Beau."

Thanks , Richard. Keep them coming. I need the laughs.

The baker and the actor both get paid by the roll.

The butcher and karate teacher both get paid by the chop.

The cop and the shirtmaker both get paid by the collar.

The lawyer and pastry chef both get paid by the tort.

The writer and occupation army both get paid by the script.

The canvas maker and the store clerk both get paid by the sail.

The electrician, the golfer and the race car driver get paid by the circuit.

The plumber and the investigative reporter both get paid by the leak.

The politician and the hog farmer both benefit from the pork.

The librarian and the embezzler both work off the books.

The opera star and stoolie both get paid by the song.

The bread maker and the masseur both get paid as much as they knead.

The lawyer and the beer distributor both get paid by the case.

The Judge and the umpire both get paid for ruling.

Did you ever want to call a maternity ward and ask if they deliver?

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

That was really, really funny, Gunnar.

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Emilsson (5/9/2014)]

Thanks mom.

That's funny...

Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
It's quite uncanny!

I once told a joke to a bunch of noble gases, but they didn't react.

The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.