Joke of the Day
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
I can't seem to find the old thread, so I will start anew.


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
I have indeed, except he changed his name to David Smith.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.

She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.

However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all powerful tyrant.?

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.

Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with

No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.
Posted by Pete Petro (+283) 15 years ago
Japanese scientists have developed a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"
Posted by Doug and Sami (+202) 15 years ago
Please keep this going I enjoy the humor!
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
"A 2006 study found that the average American walks
about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average
of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
per gallon."

Not Bad...
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.

Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
As he boarded the Metro bus, Finn thought he was imagining things.

Seated behind the wheel on a pile of cushions and a modified chair was the smallest dwarf he had ever seen. Couldn't be any more than two feet tall. He was wearing a green uniform and a hat straight out of Robin Hood. A pair of curly-toed boots swung proudly in the vicinity of the gas and brake pedals.

He stared directly ahead and kept repeating the same word over and over, "Tock,... tock,... tock, ..."

Despite the cushions, he could just see over the wheel. It was difficult to imagine him driving a bus.

Finn deposited the fare and looked around for a seat.

Nobody seemed overly concerned about the driver's stature so he shrugged his shoulders and sat down next to a bookish-looking woman wearing pop bottle glasses.

"Did you notice the driver," he asked nonchalantly?

"Yes"' she said. "He's been on some of the other runs but it's the first time I've seen him on this one.''

Finn shook his head in bewilderment. He'd never seen such a short driver, but if everyone else was satisfied, well, who was he to complain. But still ..

"Hardly seems tall enough to handle a bus.''

The woman nodded in agreement. "He's a strange little man. Never says much, just 'Tock, .. tock, .. tock, ...' over and over. It's a little bit unsettling, if you know what I mean."

He did. "I wasn't sure I was hearing him right. Seems a bit bizarre to me. You have any idea why he keeps repeating it?''

"Oh yes," she answered. "I mentioned him to a friend of mine who works with the Metro Line, you know, the ones who run the buses? Well, he told me this guy came in one morning looking for a job. Said he'd been out of work for a while and would appreciate a chance to prove that his height was no impediment to driving a bus. So he did a test and passed with flying colors. Hired him right on the spot."

They could hear the steady "Tock, .. tock, .. tock, ..." over the muted roar of the traffic as the dwarf navigated the narrow streets.

"But why does he keep repeating that same word?"

"Oh, that's his job. He's a Metro-gnome."
Posted by Shu (+1796) 15 years ago these have to be CLEAN jokes to be posted???

If so, I've nothing to contribute, sorry to say.
Posted by kent fandrich (+115) 15 years ago
There was a man named Joseph Tates. He is the original inventor of the device we nowadays call the compass. The problem with his attempt was that it did not work correctly, causing many hunters and hikers to wind up stuck in the middle of nowhere. Thousands of his devices had to be recalled, and he was ruined.
This is where we get the saying....(get ready for the new definition of corny!)....

"He who has a Tates is lost."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Posted by Duncan Bonine (+290) 15 years ago
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well" said the vet "lets have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it's eyes.

"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy" says the vet.
Posted by deer_slayer (+488) 15 years ago
Griz Baby

A Griz Fan is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Griz baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Griz Fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Griz baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Griz baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Griz father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "I had him circumcised!"

Go Griz!
Posted by Joe Yates (+608) 15 years ago
A "Doctor" was addressing a group over at Friendship Villa the other day.
"Some food that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us, years ago." he said.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets are disastrous, and few of us realize the long-term harm of germs in our drinking water."
"However, there is one food that is the most dangerous of all. We all have eaten it, or will likely eat it, sometime during our life. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering, even for years aftering eating it?"
After about thirty seconds of silence, a 75 year-old man in the front row slowly raised his hand and softly asked, "Wedding Cake?"
Posted by Cindy (+388) 15 years ago

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash bin.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
A woman eating in a Chinese restaurant is served her soup, in which is floating a fortune cookie.

She dips the cookie out of the soup and opens it, finding this fortune: "To prosper, be honest. If you are not straight, you face oblique year".

She calls the waiter over and asks, "What kind of soup is this? I've never had soup with a fortune cookie in it before."

The waiter replies, "That is our house specialty, One-Pun Soup!"
Posted by Bridgier (+9469) 15 years ago
Politics is like driving a car. To go backwards, put it in "R". To go forward, put it in "D"
Posted by Tony Ackerman (+191) 15 years ago
Posted by Tony Ackerman (+191) 15 years ago
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
The local police chief went and obtained a license for his big black dog named Methodist.

Yep... he now has a legal meth lab.
Posted by Chuck Schott (+1286) 15 years ago
A very religious man joins a band of monks and swears a vow of silence. Every ten years they are allowed to go before the head monk and say two words.

After ten years go by the monk goes before the head man and states simply "bed hard" and goes about his business.

Another ten years go by and his time has come to address the father monk again this time he states "shower cold" and heads back to do what ever monks do.

Yet another ten years go by and he appears before the head monk and clearly exclaims "food bad".

After forty years he has another shot at expressing his feeling this time he says in no uncertain terms "I quite". To which the father monk replys "I'm not surprised all you've done since you got her is complain".
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
Two ranchers from eastern Montana walk into a restaurant. After ordering their lunch, they talk about the latest addition to their cattle herds and how tourists, sheep, and wheat farmers are ruining the state.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the men looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue & shakes her head no.

The man walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the man walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
Posted by RT&JenBo9 (+57) 15 years ago
Farmer Don was out working in his Iowa field one day when a carload of democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch.
Later the sheriff stopped by and asked Don if he has seen the car. "Yep" replied Don.

"Where are they?" asked the sheriff.

"Over there", replied Don pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.

"You buried them?" asked the sherrif, "Were they still alive?"

Replied Don, "They said they were, but you know how those people lie."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
At one point in time during his career, Admiral Hyman Rickover, the father of the Nuclear Navy, was commander of a carrier task force, and had his flag on the carrier. For exercise, Adm. Rickover walked a lap around the flight deck every day. It became custom for the sailors to approach the Admiral during his walks, and gripe, complain, etc., and the Admiral would take care of the problems brought forth by the crew. It was a great morale booster.

The day came when Admiral Rickover was reassigned to Washington, and a helicopter carried him off. The crew was so despondent at his departure that the helmsman wasn't paying attention to his job, and the carrier hit a sandbar.

Yes, they grounded the warship he walked on.


Bonus Joke:

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me. "Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you?"

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
A few years ago, when the big quake hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in from out of state. When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they rejected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision, the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called it the San Andreas Fund. However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.
Posted by Mimi (+48) 15 years ago
You'll need RealPlayer for this, and you have to wait for it to download, but it's great! Go Granny !!
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general Alberto R. Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Gonzales declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If the Good Lord had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Gonzales said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children. When one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more difficult. One young fellow from Arizona had a mixed parentage. The father, a Hispanic National was a traveling salesman for one of the major insurance companies, Kemper Life, though the mother would not give any more information.

The mother was from a Native American tribe in Northeastern Arizona. She called the boy Juan, after his father it was believed, and she gave him up for adoption. She left it to the kind people at the orphanage to take care of the baby, including completing his name. Eventually they arrived at a name that tied together all of his roots.

People always bugged the child about his name, but he liked it. They asked how he could put up with such a motley melange, but he would stand tall and say with great pride, "I am Juan Hopi Kemper."
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government
doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except for France) is
sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
A very worried rancher called up his vet and reported, "That his danged old mare was really sick this time, she can only stand on her feet for about 15 minutes at a time. Is there anything I can do with her? "Yes" said the vet. "The next time she is standing up sell her."
Posted by Tony Ackerman (+191) 15 years ago
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
Posted by Tony Ackerman (+191) 15 years ago
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp".
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
Why Don't also invent?

TV Alarm Clocks that ring when it's time to go to sleep - for people who doze while watching the late show.

A Cloth Dollar - so it will shrink in proportion to its actual value.

Leaves that self - destruct when they hit the ground - so you don't have to rake them up in the fall.

A Newspaper that prints only good news.

A Magic Mail Box that changes bills into checks.

Golf Balls that float - for golfers that never make it past the water hazard.
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6121) 15 years ago
A Brian Reed original -

One time, I was driving cross-country and I had been chugging Mountain Dew like I always do. Well, needless to say (but to be said anyway), the more I drank and the more miles that passed by, the more I had to use the restroom. I was running late and I didn't want to stop, so I kept driving until I really couldn't stand it anymore and I was starting to feel sick. By the time I was finally able to go, I was going NUTS. I couldn't believe my eyes, because the stream was GREEN!

You could say I pistachios.
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6121) 15 years ago
And another of my own creations -

Hikers often live lives that are intense. A large group of campers bedded down at night is the very meaning of intensity.

Get it?
Posted by Rick Kuchynka (+4453) 15 years ago
During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and an atheist.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the atheist's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the atheist didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the atheist said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung every two hours: At 8 am once, 10 am twice, noon thrice, 2 pm four times, etc. The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money

The judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2 pm.

Thereafter, all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
It seems Lone Ranger and Tonto were getting ready to settle down for the night. They were tired and did retire. Later in the night Tonto woke up and looked up at the stars, He woke the Lone Ranger and asked him what he saw. The Lone Ranger said he saw the North Star, Milky Way, the Northern Lights and, Tonto stopped him, and said, you dumber than I thought, I see that someone stole our tent.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
While doing some research on the history of building, I have discovered some interesting facts:

Early drawings for construction were done in ink which took a long time to dry. Blowing on the ink hastened this process and the finished products were called blewprints.

Office flunkies were usually given this job and they devised a system of opening windows to create cross-ventilation. To this day, they are still called draftsmen.

When man first moved out of caves, large groups would build communal homes consisting of one big room where everyone lived. As time went by, the need for privacy became apparent (so you could become a parent) and the large rooms were subdivided. This gave some separation hence the term "apart ments".

Early single family homes were crudely constructed with palm frond walls. These had to be replaced on a regular basis and, hence, the early question, "Where do you re-side?" but lets not dwell on that.

For years, roofs were flat and covered with tar. Roof pitch referred to this process.

Sloped roofs became popular along river banks as the first settlers used lumber from their crudely constructed boats to construct their homes, hence the term "rafters".

When a new home was completed, the local news reporters would come out to interview the new owners for an article in the newspaper. If the home was very large, they might come out a second time. This is where we get the terms "one and two story" homes.

The term foyer came into common use since this room was predominately "for your" guests.

Before indoor plumbing, chamber pots were kept in all the bedrooms at night. These were prone to being kicked over and spilled. Later it became fashionable to have a shelf above the bed for the full pots. This was so the rage, these shelves became more and more elaborate and were decorated with lace and fabric. This was the origin of the Can o' Pee bed.

Oh, and one more thing I want dimension: You've all heard of Frank Lloyd, right? Well, Noah was the first Ark a Tech.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
It was a mystery fit only for the great Sherlock Holmes, himself.

The day after every full moon, members of a Japanese fraternity would be found dead in the hall on the fourth floor. The victims were crushed and there were signs of skid marks and tire tracks on the floor.

Holmes was called into the case. It quickly became apparent that the only student that was not frightened was a young man named Nagawa who quickly became the object of Holmes's suspicion.

The evening of the next full moon, while peering through the keyhole of Nagawa's room, they saw that the student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese compact car!

The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa. "When the moon is full, you become an automobile, and you run over your fellow students on the fourth floor."

"But how did you know that?" gasped Nagawa.

Holmes replied, "Elementary, my were-Datsun!"

At this, Nagawa panicked, and ran down the corridor. As he opened the door to escape, he turned into a car again, but as he expanded he became trapped in the doorway. The pressure was so great that he exploded and no trace of him was ever found, again.

But it rained Datsun cogs for days!

Bonus Joke:

The only thing the police had to go on was the book.

It was the one and only clue to the death of the young woman who lived alone in the apartment above the alley. Not a nice neighborhood but that wasn't reason enough to be killed.

She'd been found by a friend earlier that evening. There was some evidence of a struggle but the body was unmarked except for a bruise on the left side of her head. Whoever did it used the book to deliver the fatal blow. The corner was clearly dented and some of the victim's hair was embedded in the cover.

The investigating officers concluded that it was probably a lover's quarrel, but Chief Coltrane wasn't convinced.

"You say the book was the murder weapon?" He leveled his gaze at the junior officers.

"That's right sir."

"She have a boyfriend?"

"Still looking, sir, but the friend says she wasn't seeing anybody on a regular basis."

"Interesting," mused the Chief. He thought for a moment. "You hotshots get the name of the book?"

The officers looked around sheepishly.

Then one of them said, "I might have it in my notes." He took out his pad and thumbed the pages. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found the title.

"Here it is right here, 'Mathematics 101 - An Introductory Text." He shot the Chief a questioning look.

Coltrane closed his eyes and shook his head. "I was afraid of that."

The officers were puzzled. "Afraid of what?"

"A text book case," he answered. "We got us a math murderer on our hands."
Posted by cheryl barlow (+20) 15 years ago
The latest poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No, es una problema seriousa."

By Don Barrington
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
In the old west Gloomy Gus Galloway was an itinerant hangman who went from town to town stringing up the bad guys. He was relaxing in a saloon in Dodge City when he got a telegram from the Marshall in Tombstone asking how soon he could come and hang a few Clantons.

Gus replied, "Right away, it's a slow noose day here."


Bonus Joke:

The manager of a game preserve in Africa was having some of his gamekeeper move a herd of Wildebeests from one range to another to prevent over grazing. This proved to be difficult because the animals were reluctant to make the trek. When they hadn't shown up at the new range he called and asked why they were late.

They replied, "We're having a slow Gnu's day."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.

You may tag him as a "frost-free reef ridge rater"
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
You are getting old when you talk to yourself and you listen.
Posted by Mimi (+48) 15 years ago
The Gynecologist Who Became a Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."
Posted by Tony Ackerman (+191) 15 years ago
I'm left...speechless. How does one top a joke like that...:-?
Posted by Rick Kuchynka (+4453) 15 years ago
At least she didn't abbreviate muffler.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
FROM: [email protected]

TO: all

SB: Greeks bearing gifts


The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.




FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

RE: Greeks bearing gifts


I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.

I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,
Posted by Duncan Bonine (+290) 15 years ago
22 Ways To Be An Outstanding Democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule

...and Rick doesn't think Democrats have a sense of humor...

7:00 p.m.
Opening Flag Burning.
7:15 p.m.
Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations.
7:30 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 - 8 p.m.
Nonreligious prayer and worship: Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton
8:00 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 p.m.
Ceremonial Tree Hugging.
8:15-8:30 p.m.
Line starts for getting free Immigration status
8:30 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:00 p.m.
Keynote Speech:
"The Proper Etiquette for Surrender"
French President Jacques Chirac.
9:20 p.m.
Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden Kidney Transplant Fund.
9:30 p.m.
Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay
Sean Penn.
9:40 p.m.
Why I hate the Military
A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 p.m.
Dan Rather receives "Truth in Broadcasting" award
presented by Michael Moore.
9:55 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:20 p.m.
nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton for President
by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
11:00 p.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 p.m.
Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15 p.m.
"Our Troops are War Criminals"
presented by John Kerry.
11:30 p.m.
Coronation of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 a.m.
Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 a.m.
Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
Posted by Rick Kuchynka (+4453) 15 years ago
You forgot to include John Edwards' unveiling of the new party platform:
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Making stew is a skill that the Scotch
Have perfected, and seldom do botch.
A vigil they keep,
While cooking male sheep;
All day long o'er the ramparts they watch.
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
Abbott and Costello in the digital age . . . a 21st century version of the classic routine "Who's on First?"

Costello Calls To Buy A Computer From Abbott

(Ringing ... click ... voice)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to cop y Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" . . . .
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago

A business owner was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to
ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his
office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my

Alabama :

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," was the reply

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one's gonna steal

Louisiana :

A senior Louisianan was overheard saying, "When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied "I'd rather be in Louisiana because
everything there happens 20 years later than in the rest of the
civilized world."


A man from Mississippi came running into a store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

"The other answered, "Nope, but I did get the license number."


A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper
asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina:

A North Carolina man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied
the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6121) 15 years ago
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
Posted by Peggy (+29) 15 years ago
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming. Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Posted by Bob L. (+5096) 15 years ago
Did you read the paper today? O.J. Simpson got married again...

He said he wanted to take another stab at it.
Posted by RT&JenBo9 (+57) 15 years ago
Traveling up here in the Northwoods can be hazardous to your health, take the lesson learned by a flatlander traveling at night thru the Aswabigon forest. He ran out of gas, not a single vehicle in sight for hours and hours. At daylight he stood outside his car hoping to flag down a passing car, yet nothing in sight. He noticed a bee on the side of the road flitting from flower to flower intent upon gather nectar for the nest. This intrigued him to no end.
The Bee noticed his gazing and flew over to the roof of the car. He motion for the driver to come closer. The flatlander did, and the Bee asked him, "What's wrong lonesome traveler, did you have a flat"? "No" responded the traveler, "I ran out of gas" "Oh, I see you problem now" remarked the Bee, "Do me a favor and open your gas cap" He did and stood back and at least twenty thousand bees came to look in his gas tank. Finally the Bee flew up to his roof again and motioned him closer. "You can go now", yelled the Bee, "We filled your tank with "BP".
Posted by RT&JenBo9 (+57) 15 years ago
While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into
a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted
to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and dumped out my beer....

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago

[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr (edited 8/9/2007).]
Posted by deer_slayer (+488) 15 years ago
the old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic
tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it
was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it
He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not
come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get
out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there as still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.

When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
A soothsayer and a sorceress both lived in a Middle East country. While the sorceress claimed great powers, she was never able to demonstrate them. Because of this, the soothsayer constantly ridiculed her in public. This caused her reputation to suffer and she lived in poverty because she could make no money from her unique talent. Then, one day, the seer ridiculed her in a particularly vicious way. Thoroughly incensed, the sorceress hurled a curse at him. Instantly, he became a large seagull.

Remarked a bystander, "That's the first time she's ever been able to tern a prophet"
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
The cuckoo was getting tired of leaving her eggs to be hatched and raised by other parents. Unfortunately, she was also a lazy, lazy bird, and sitting on an egg to keep it warm just didn't impress her as a good time. Besides, her lazy mate had split the scene (as usual) and a bird has to eat.

With this in mind, she ordered a gas fireplace to be built into the nest (paid for with a diamond ring stolen from the mocking-bird down the row). Naturally, a gas fireplace also needs a chimney, or the carbon monoxide will kill even as the fire warms.

Thus it was that on a chilly spring morning two farmers were walking past the copse and one said to the other, "How about that chimney up in the tree there?"

"Ayup," said the other farmer. "There's one flue over the cuckoo's nest."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
If a lawyer wears a suit to work, what does an electrician wear?

I asked the electrician to change the circuit breaker, but he refused.

How can you get through barber school in one week?
By learning all the shortcuts

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
The batteries were dead.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
The heat was intense.

What did the traffic-light say?
Don't look now, I'm changing!

There was considerable consternation among the cats in the Coliseum when it was learned that the tigers were taking the lions' share of the prophets.

In anticipation of the discovery/fabrication of Element #112, scientists have already named it: Cranium. They're planning a head.

A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The maitre'd greets him at the counter and says, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables available at this time." "That's okay," replies the Indian, "I have a reservation."

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

What vegetable needs a plumber?
A Leek

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
Fowl weather.

What did the bully say to the stamp?
"I bet I can lick you."

What did the baby banana say to its mother?
"I don't peel good."

How do you find a writer in a crowded building?
Have him paged.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's all right now.

Hey, did you hear about the bra manufacturers that went bust?

Most antiques aren't what they are cracked up to be.

The people hardest to convince that they should retire are children at bedtime.

When it comes to helping you out, I will stop at nothing.

In 1951 The first automobile commercial was set to music. It was the first Car Tune.

Punny Quickies

Q. Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected some change in the weather.

Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Q. Which is worth old ten dollar bill or a new one?
A. An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.

Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Season's Greetings.

Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!

Q. What's brown and sticky??
A. A stick.

Bonus Joke:

Funny Book Titles

The French Chef -- by Sue Flay

Unemployed -- by Anita Job

Off to Market -- by Tobias A. Pigg

I Lived in Detroit -- by Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please -- by Arthur It is

Handel's Messiah -- by Ollie Luyah

Downpour! -- by Wayne Dwops

Cloning -- by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring -- by Lynn O'Leum

Holmes Does it Again -- by Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV -- by Eddie Buddyhome

The Scent of a Man -- by Jim Nasium

Is O. J. Guilty? -- by Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses -- by Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation -- by Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear -- by Lucy Lastic

House Construction -- by Bill Jerome Home

Yellow River -- by Iam Ping

Lewis Carroll -- by Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy -- by Warren Peace

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast -- by Kareem O' Wheat

Why Cars Stop -- by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows -- by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger -- by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing -- by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! -- by Theresa Green

No! -- by Kurt Reply
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
Life with a wooden leg - Eileen W. Pegaleg
Under the bleachers - Seymore Butts
Yellow River - I.P. Freely (same title, different book )
Reverse Theology - M.A. Dogg

[This message has been edited by Eric Brandt (edited 9/16/2007).]
Posted by Duncan Bonine (+290) 15 years ago
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Several years ago a man named David owned a roan stallion he had trained to hunt moose. His stallion could smell moose at least a mile away. Of course, many people make similar claims. Most, who have been near enough to notice, agree that moose do have a distinctive odor.

When moose season arrived, David would saddle up the roan and ride off into the woods. He would simply allow the horse to wander aimlessly, but invariably they would find moose the first day of the season. The horse was able to approach the moose without frightening them, so that Dave could easily bag one.

This horse became famous all over Maine for its extraordinary ability. Dave was the envy of hunters from one end of Maine to the other because his family was assured an ample supply of moose mincemeat every Christmas.

One fall day, when Dave went out to feed the horse, he found it had been stolen. He spread the word about his loss, but moose season came and went without the return of his roan stallion.

After moose season closed a pickup truck drove into Dave's farmyard with the missing horse in a trailer.

The driver said, "I'm bringing your horse back. He's no good. He didn't find any moose at all."

David replied, "I could have told you, A stolen roan gathers no moose!"

Bonus Joke:

The stallion and the mare were going to get married, but when the time came for the stallion to appear at the church, he got cold feet and failed to show up.

The mare hoofed indignantly, "The beast! He left me at the halter and is probably out there with some cheap filly, horsing around. But if he is that fickle, I'm better off not to be saddled with him for life. I can do without the bridle bouquet!"
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6121) 15 years ago
It's show-and-tell day in Mrs. Brown's third grade classroom. For today's show-and-tell, Mrs. Brown has the students tell the class what their parents do for a living.

Mrs. Brown asks, "Tommy, what does your father do for a living?"

"My daddy's a firefighter," Tommy replies. "When people are in trouble, my daddy comes to the rescue!"

To this, Mrs. Brown replies, "I'll bet you're very proud of your daddy."

"Yes, I am," says Tommy. "When I grow up, I want to be a firefighter just like him."

Mrs. Brown then calls on each of the children and hears all about the nurses, doctors, lawyers, store owners, secretaries, etc. the children have for mommies and daddies.

Then she notices little Bobby in the back of the class, looking very sad and like he wants to be anywhere in the world but there.

"Bobby," asks Mrs. Brown, "What does your daddy do for a living?"

"My daddy's dead," says Bobby.

Horrified, Mrs. Brown tries to make the most of a bad situation. "I am so sorry to hear that," she says. "What did he do before he died?"

Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
Answers to questions on high school exams...

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
The Top 15 Signs Your Favorite Baseball Team Has Given Up

15. Most of the stadium seating has been leased to scientists developing a better Slinky.

14. Every time the crowd does "the wave," the players respond with "the finger."

13. Backs of the uniforms are embroidered with "Ask Me About Amway."

12. The on-deck circle is now equipped with a Playstation.

11. After the first pitch, every player argues with the ump until he's thrown out of the game.

10. The pitcher now takes the mound dressed like Stevie Nicks.

9. The outfielders jog into position more slowly than ever, now that each is carrying his own lawn chair.

8. The manager allows his fielders to use their cell phones during pitching changes.

7. Play is temporarily suspended to allow the batter in the on-deck circle to finish his ice cream cone.

6. Too dejected to spit, they simply drool onto the dugout floor.

5. For a pinch runner, the manager sends in the winner of the sausage race.

4. Mike Piazza starts leaving after the fifth inning every Thursday so he doesn't miss "Will and Grace."

3. The equipment manager starts wholesaling Sammy's bats to Robert Mondavi.

2. The announcer says, "Catching and batting fourth, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmme!"

and the #1 Sign Your
Favorite Baseball Team Has Given Up...

1. The catcher's down to just two signs: "whatever" and "I don't give a rat's a$$."
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
People for the Ethical Treatment of Emoticons (PETM)

STOP The Madness!

The next time you start to use an emoticon (Emo) - ask yourself . . .
Where did that Emo come from?

= = = = = =
PETM works through public education, cruelty investigations, research, emoticon rescue, legislation, special events, celebrity involvement, and protest campaigns.

Whether you're a staunch EmoS' rights advocate, an activist who's just getting started, or a complete skeptic, you can use these answers to help clarify your understanding of the EmoS' rights movement. The responses presented here are by no means the only answers to these frequently asked questions. They are simply intended to provoke you to think about common assumptions and to serve as a resource as you formulate your own opinions.

"What do you mean by `Emoticon's rights'?"

People who support Emoticon's rights believe that EmoS are not ours to use for food, clothing, entertainment, experimentation, or any other purpose and that EmoS deserve consideration of their best interests regardless of whether they are cute, useful to humans, or endangered and regardless of whether any human cares about them at all.

"EmoS don't reason, don't understand rights, and don't always respect our rights, so why should we apply our ideas of morality to them?"

An EmoS' inability to understand and adhere to our rules is as irrelevant as a child's or as that of a person who gets into arguments on the internet. EmoS are not always able to choose to change their behaviors, but adult human beings have the intelligence and ability to choose between behaviors that hurt others and behaviors that do not hurt others. When given the choice, it makes sense to choose compassion for EmoS.
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
There are two periods when fishing is good.
Before you get there and right after you leave.
Posted by Duncan Bonine (+290) 15 years ago
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.."
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
Sign in Hotel Shower: "Keep that song in your heart-these walls are thin."

Note left on door of a music store: " Johann to Lunch. Bach at one. Offenbach sooner."

Sign in optometrist's window: " If you don't see what you want, you've come to the right place."
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
Posted by ike eichler (+1228) 15 years ago
Bumper sticker with picture of Monica Lewinsky. "I'm voting Republican this Year" Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.
Posted by howdy (+4945) 15 years ago
Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Posted by RT&JenBo9 (+57) 15 years ago
The Priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said,"I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
Posted by Duncan Bonine (+290) 15 years ago

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.


Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.


Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.


Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.


Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
A sure formula for success - think of a product that costs a dime, sells for a dollar and is habit forming.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Kentucky. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them sip by sip in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Posted by Shu (+1796) 15 years ago
By golly I found a clean one!...well, just clean enough to post here, at least.

A father had a 12-year-old son who recently entered puberty.

The father decided it was the right time to have "the talk" with the son about the birds and bees, so he talked with him, gave him the facts, told him about safe sex, etc.. The son seemed to handle the info pretty well.

So, then the father decided to take the son on a "field trip" to the nearest drug store. The pair walked through the isles and came to the contraceptives section where the father pointed-out and explained the various items and how they were used. Upon looking at the different condoms, the son was curious.

"Dad", asked the son, "I notice these condoms here are in packs of 3. Why is that?"

"Well, son", replied the father, "that's the high school pack. You have one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."

"Oh", the son responded. "So, Dad, these ones here are in packs of 6. Why is that?"

"Well, son", the dad answered, "That's the college pack. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."

"Oh, okay." The son answered. "Well, these condoms here are in packs of 12. Why is that?"

The father exhaled a deep sigh and answered: "Well, son, that's the marriage pack. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
Posted by MCGirl (+300) 15 years ago
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain in control.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween!
Posted by Linda Morgan (+582) 15 years ago
How to Deal With a Busy Body

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when
she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front
of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry ....
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
The dust-covered rider pulled into Rutter's Gulch about ten minutes ahead of schedule. His horse, a panting, steaming bundle of muscle, looked more like an impatient locomotive just waiting for a twist of the throttle to tear up the tracks.

The rider deposited his sack and picked up a replacement stuffed with mail for the towns further along the trail. Like the horse, he too was itching to be off. Time was money.

The station agent helped him strap the sack to his horse, which was just lapping up the last few gallons of water from the town trough. The rider's greasy forehead was dripping from the dunking he gave it in that same receptacle, but the horse didn't seem to mind.

Refreshed, he jumped back on his four-legged transport, tapped the sack to make sure it was secure, bid the agent farewell and rode off into the afternoon sun.

Five minutes later, a second rider galloped up to the post office.

"What's up?" the agent asked.

"Jus' makin' muh stops. Why?"

"There was another rider here not five minutes ago. Had the same uniform an' all. Come to think of it though, I ain't never seen him before." The agent scratched his stubbly chin and fixed the newcomer with a suspicious squint. ''You got any ID?"

The rider produced his card stamped and signed by the president himself. The agent was baffled. ''Don't suppose that other rider was a fake?''

"Maybe. You have much goin' out today?"

''Certainly did. Wage packets, mail orders and a cash transfer from the bank. Must be worth more'n a thousand dollars all told."

''Looks like you been robbed, oldtimer."

''Well, gag me with a cactus. A Phoney Express Rider."
Posted by Linda Morgan (+582) 15 years ago
> Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
> the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
> tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT!
> I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two
> hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So
> Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
> They moused.
> They faxed.
> They e-mailed.
> They e-mailed with attachments.
> They downloaded.
> They did spreadsheets!
> They wrote reports.
> They created labels and cards.
> They created charts and graphs.
> They did some genealogy reports.
> They did every job known to man.
> Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
> Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
> across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
> went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
> known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came
> back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
> Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all
> I lost everything when the power went out!'
> Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
> past two hours of work.
> Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not
> fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
> God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES!
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world...

...those who understand Binary,
...and those who do not.

01001001 00100000 01110011 01100101
01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000
01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111
01110010 01100011 01100101 00100000
01101001 01110011 00100000 01110011
01110100 01110010 01101111 01101110
01100111 00100000 01110111 01101001
01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110
00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
Posted by AJS (+221) 15 years ago
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Posted by Kyle L. Varnell (+3747) 15 years ago
After checking with Larry the Webmaster I offer this one for Joke of The Day:

If Hillary Clinton gets elected President it will mark the first time that a Clinton has sat behind a desk in the Oval Office instead of under one.

[This message has been edited by Kyle L. Varnell (edited 11/1/2007).]
Posted by ike eichler (+1228) 15 years ago
A grade school teacher asked her class how many of them were Hillary fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is,but wanting to be liked by the teacher,all the kids raised their hands but one boy. The teacher asked Johnny why he had decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan." The teacher asks, " Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why he is a George Bush fan. Johnny replies, "Well, my Moms a George Bush fan and my Dad is a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush Fan!" The perturbed teacher then asks, " If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, What would that make you?" Johnny replied, "That would make me a Hillary fan."
Posted by howdy (+4945) 15 years ago

[This message has been edited by howdy (edited 11/2/2007).]
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Eric: Yes, "the force is strong within me". How is that funny ha ha?
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
I thought I would be safe posting a joke, I guess not.

There are only 10 kind of people in the world...

1*2^1 + 0*2^0 = two, not ten

- that was the joke, only it's not funny if you have to explain it.
The other bit was just for some nerd fun.

Thanks for looking anyway. I'll crawl back into my hole now.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Yes, I got that part of it. And I pasted the binary code into the "translator" link you posted which came out as "the force is strong within you".

The problem with computer humor is that it either on or off. If it is off does that make one a resistor? If it is on then one gets a charge out of the capacitor. Is the cause of all comatose electronic parts due to "die-o-d s"?
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
I don't want you to get board, but let's chip away at this current affair. With a little inductive reasoning, we could etch a new layout. Who knows, it might put a new spin on things. What's this I hear resonating beyond the gate? Lets latch on to this idea and scope it out!
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Posted by ike eichler (+1228) 15 years ago
Dear Abby, My Husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,and when I confront him he denies everything. Whats worse,everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. Also,since he lost his job 7 years ago,he hasen't even looked for a new one. All he duz all day is smoke cigars,cruise around and BS with his buddies,while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and even hints I may be a lesbian. What should I do?? Clueless. Dear Clueless: Grow up and Dump him. Good Grief woman! You don't need him any more! You're a senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!!
Posted by howdy (+4945) 15 years ago
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
Eric, Richard.

When the chips are down, that kind of humor will make your mother bored.
Posted by Eric Brandt (+846) 15 years ago
while ( ! ( $succeed = try() ) );
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 15 years ago
For Slayer who just seems to enjoy this time of the year so much.

Did you hear that ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at MSU.

Yup . . . it's true. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
= = = =

What did the MSU alum say to the UM grad when they met at lunchtime?

Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?
= = = =

How do you keep an MSU alum busy?

Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.

He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and
little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'

Little Johnny yelled back, 'It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?!'
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
A penguin is driving down the road one day when his car starts making noises. He pulls into a garage and asks them to check it out. While he waits he decides to go get some ice cream, and as he eats it, some melts onto his shoes. When he returns to the garage, the mechanic says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguins says "No, it's ice cream, I swear!"
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

English I Love You
Spanish te amo
French Je T'aime
German lch Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Poope Imasu
Thai Phom rak khun
Italian Ti amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina. Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1882) 15 years ago
Four engineers are discussing what type of engineer God must be. The mechanical engineer argues that God must be a mechanical engineer. "Think of the stresses the human body must withstand physically. Surely God is a mechanical engineer."
The chemical engineer replies,"Yes. But think of the complex chemical ractions that occur in the human body. Surely God is a chemical engineer."
The electrical engineer notes - "Think of the human nervous system. God must be an electrical engineer."
"I've got you all beat." Said the civil engineer. "Who else would run the sewage system right through the recreation area but a civil engineer."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
Bob: That is funny!
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1882) 15 years ago
Stolen from A Prairie Home Companion's famous "Joke Sale" episode.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
There are two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder .

1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Posted by Bob L. (+5096) 15 years ago
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his _______ into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my _______ into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 15 years ago
A recent study found the average American golfer, walks about 900 miles
a year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the
Posted by TK (+1624) 15 years ago
Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and
says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath .. "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ..

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 15 years ago
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his
van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1882) 14 years ago
Good one.
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1882) 14 years ago
This joke is titled "How the Fight Started". I hope it hasn't already appeared.

As I was driving home from work today, I rear ended another car. The driver angrily exited his car and at this point I noticed that he was a dwarf.

" I AM NOT HAPPY!" he exclaimed.

"Which one are you?" I replied.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The l awyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
I spent several years as a entertainment director on cruise ships. In order to work on a ship you are required to attend frequent lectures in water safety. Considerable time was devoted to what you should do if you accidentally fall overboard. It was recommended to us, not to panic, but to slowly remove all our outer clothing.

However, we were warned to be certain that the blouse always is taken off last, because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy.

It was also recommended that we should always carry a bar of soap, because then we could be certain to be washed ashore.

Bonus Joke:

A young boy is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court, the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. "Well, what have you to say in your defense?" asked the judge.

"Only that I'm sorry, your honor," replied the now-contrite boy.

"Hrmph, you don't look sorry to me. Therefore I sentence you to 3 years hard labor, starting immediately." said the judge

"But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!" proclaimed the astonished boy.

"Consider yourself lucky." admonished the judge. "It could have been life boy."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
Did I tell you about the great concert I went to a few years ago? It was a tribute to Simon and Garfunkel.

They had an impressive lineup - an Elvis impersonator, Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66, Rosemary Clooney and 80's TV star Tyne Daly from Cagney & Lacey. The ensemble was billed as 'Presley, Serge, Rosemary and Tyne'.
Posted by Bob Netherton (+1882) 14 years ago
That last one may belong under the "worst joke" category.
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 14 years ago
A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, " Beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Posted by spacekace (+897) 14 years ago
...Hey...Did you hear about the new job at the White House??? They're trying to hire a trapper...

A trapper?

Yes, there's a coon and a beaver trying to get in...

Posted by gypsykim (+1557) 14 years ago
not even remotely funny, not to mention off-color and in poor taste
Posted by Shu (+1796) 14 years ago
Here's a good joke: GLENDIVE! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Posted by Bridgier (+9469) 14 years ago
Frank-n-beans? Is that you?
Posted by Mark (+36) 14 years ago

I've heard that joke now about 20 times, and at each one I managed not to laugh.

There are some lines that needn't be crossed anymore, and you hit two of them.

If you're from Glendive or Miles and repeat that joke, you suck.
Posted by Chris Gamrath (+387) 14 years ago
How about this one?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
NO idea'er

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea'er
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
As the presidential election enters the days of famous-family-member-endorsements, one candidate chose to go one better. Ron Paul, recognizing that his slim chance to capture the Republican nomination was shrinking, decided that he would announce his choice of a high-profile running mate. A perfect complement to his ticket? - Perhaps a minority, a well-known figure, and even better - an athlete. Paul's decision? Wilt Chamberlain. As Wilt was unavailable for the VP spot, Mr. Paul acquiesced to taking as his running mate Wilt's nephew.

So it was that Mr. Paul's campaign was reinvigorated just in time for Super Tuesday. His bumper stickers can now be seen - "Ron Paul - Stilt's kin."
Posted by Tom Masa (+2165) 14 years ago
Ronald Reagan was Right About Bush
view links
While John McCain is eagerly embracing Bush and vowing to continue Bush's failed policies, it may be a good idea to remember what Ronald Reagan thought of the Little Bush:

"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
My 8 year old son has had problems with math ever since he has started school. I had tried everything, private tutors, hooked on math, flash cards, math board games, you name it I tried it, and still nothing but D's and F's.

One day as I was driving home from work, I noticed the local Catholic Church in town and the private Catholic school next to it. I thought to myself, even though we not Catholic maybe a private school would help him learn and understand his math. So I went the next day and enrolled him. He came home that afternoon and went straight to his room; I walked upstairs to see what he was doing. As I looked through his door, I saw him studying and doing his math homework. Well I could have jumped for joy. After supper he asked if he could go back upstairs and work on his math. I said sure, he did this same routine every day for about four weeks, no outside after school playing with his buddies, no it was up to his room to study.

Then one evening he came in and said dad here is my report card. I about fell out on the floor there it was an A+ in math. I told him good job son. Then he asked if he could go up stairs and study some more, I said wouldn't you rather take a break, he shook his head no. So I told him ok, but before you go up to study, tell me what it was that helped you get this A+. I asked him if it were the nuns and the one on one time, he shook his head no. I asked was it the school uniforms, he shook his head no. I asked him if it was the private school, better teachers, he shook his head no. I said son you got to tell me what made you change your mind about math. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said. DAD when we walked into that Catholic Church school, and I saw that man hanging on a plus sign, I KNEW THEY MEANT BUSINESS.
Posted by Chuck Schott (+1286) 14 years ago
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr (edited 4/27/2008).]
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
What do you get when you kiss a bird?

"Chirpies". It's a canarial disease. Don't laugh! There's no tweetment!
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of the many archeological digs in that country. In a cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were that old.

Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof. For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter.


There are some happy sciences, but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group than most. No wonder.

One of the first things they learn is that our lives are ova before they've begun.
Posted by Hal Neumann (+10255) 14 years ago
One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!"

His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a Mac User."

The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"

"Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a Mac User."

On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a Mac User?"

"No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with its owner.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."

The water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"The rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence; close behind was the rancher's prize bull, gaining with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...

"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house,
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How
much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said
to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around
the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Posted by AJS (+221) 14 years ago
When you hold it up to the light . . .
it reads "GOOD FOR ONE GAL. of GAS"
Posted by LG (+197) 14 years ago
Two Eskimos were out fishing in a kayak
One got cold and they decided to start a fire
Of course, the kayak sank

The moral of the story?

You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 14 years ago
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:

01. No thanks, I'm married.
02. Nope, no more booze for me!
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. No. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
09. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Posted by AJS (+221) 14 years ago
Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to some people. Why he would want two or more is a bigamystery.
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ....

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...........................................

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+15369) 14 years ago
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, 'Mr. President please accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'

George Bush, always trying to be 'Presidential,' replied: 'Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.'
Posted by perka (+19) 14 years ago
Mounted Cop

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the d*** underneath the horse instead of on top.''
Posted by VictoriaLynn (+284) 14 years ago
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
Posted by Steve Craddock (+2733) 14 years ago
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that several purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Alabama.
Posted by Steve Sullivan (+1420) 14 years ago
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
Posted by Gunnar Emilsson (+18248) 13 years ago
Advanced Medicine

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the WORLD is looking for work."
Posted by mayes (+9) 13 years ago
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

Wyoming Drug Rehab Centers and Programs
Posted by Brian A. Reed (+6121) 13 years ago
It's show-and-tell day in Miss Brown's third grade classroom. For a change of pace, Miss Brown is asking her students what their parents do for a living.

"Timmy, what does your daddy do for a living?" asks Miss Brown.

"My daddy is a firefighter," Timmy says, "When there's an emergency, he drives a fire truck to go help people in trouble."

Miss Brown replies, "That's a great job, Timmy. I bet you're very proud of your daddy."

"I sure am," says Timmy. "When I grow up, I want to be a firefighter, too."

Miss Brown continues around the classroom, asking each student in turn what his or her parents do for a career. Sally's mother is a nurse, Mikey's mom is a lawyer, Billy's dad owns a restaurant, so on and so forth.

Miss Brown then sees little Bobby in the back of the classroom, looking sad and dejected, like he can't wait for the recess bell to ring.

Before he gets his wish, however, Miss Brown asks, "Bobby, what does your dad do for a living?"

To this, Bobby says in a small voice, "My dad is dead."

Mortified, Miss Brown feels horrible but tries her best to make the most of an awkward situation.

"I'm so sorry, Bobby," says Miss Brown, "What did he do before he died?"

Posted by shroewin (+12) 13 years ago
hilarious . LOL! Very funny. hahaha., I laughed so hard,

Thanks for sharing your jokes.