Montana Cowboy

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a
remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci
shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports i to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his
Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give my back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.....NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DOG.

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."

So Ole drove to Duluth

Here's one I seen Yesterday on a site:


Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Norm

The Republicans and Democrats in Congress are constantly telling jokes about one another, and finally they agree to have a flag football game: The losing party won't be allowed to tell jokes about the winning party for one full year, and every year they'll replay the contest.

Of course they play this game in RFK Stadium in D.C. The stadium is filled with onlookers who are watching this inept contest between elderly congressmen and roaring with laughter.

Late in the third quarter, the score is tied at 0-0. A factory across the Anacostia River blows its shift whistle, and the stupid Democrats think this is the end of the game, so they leave the field.

Thirteen plays later, the Republicans score.

The biggest joke is that the Republicans consider this as an actual victory and go around crowing about their 'mandate from the people'.

There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows. The animals were separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the cows would grab them and pull the llamas over to their side. At that point, they would kick the llama around, using him like a soccer ball. They did this for a few hours every day until they tired of it.

The moral of the story?

Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys.

JEEZ, RICHARD.

Three kingdoms were in dispute over claims to an island in the middle of lake on which they all bordered. Finally, after exhausting all diplomatic options, the rulers of the three kingdoms decided to send their best knights to the island for a great battle, and the winning kingdom would have claim to the island forever.

On the night before the battle, the three knights rowed out to the island, each with a retinue of their best squires. Two of the groups of squires promptly got down to the business of polishing armor, sharpening weapons, and just generally making sure their respective knights were ready to face the others in the morning.

Meanwhile, the third squire tied a rope around the handle of a large kettle, hoisted it off the ground by a tree branch, and began cooking dinner, leaving his knight to tend to his own armor and weapons.

The battle, which began promptly at sunrise, was spectacular.

Three knights in gleaming armor clashed with razor-sharp weapons. On and on it raged, until all three knights were dead.

Since the conflict had not been resolved, the squires then engaged in a battle of their own, until the only squire left standing was the one who had hoisted up the kettle to cook dinner the night before.

The moral: "The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two sides!"

Richard please, please continue.

More!!!

A famous fashion designer and his young assistant were showing off their latest creations at a fashion show one evening, when one of the models came out wearing a creation made from head to toe of velour.

Shocked, the designer rushed the model and his assistant into a side room and quickly fixed the dress up in satin, leaving only small velour areas for effect.

The model, wearing the "repaired" creation, was instantly the hit of the show.

"That's the thing about this material" said the mentor, "you have to use it very sparingly. Like they say, Discretion is the better part of Velour."

Richard - you have way too much time on your hands!

Not really. I do try to take a couple of minutes each day to try and put a smile on peoples faces.

[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr (edited 12/6/2006).]

One for Richard. . . .

The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly.

The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident.

At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly.

The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident.

At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist.

The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor. He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death.

After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch.

But nothing happened.

He turned it off and then back on again, but still nothing.

The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?"

The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me. Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!"

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Where do you guys hear these?

Stop going there.

Kidding -- I really enjoy 'em. I add some, but I'm too lazy to type all that.

>> Where do you guys hear these?

I doubt we've saw the worst of it yet


Back at ya' Richard. . . .

For years and years, a doctor had been having a drink after work at the same bar. Every time he walked in the door, the barman would mix his favorite drink, a hazelnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender didn't have any hazelnuts in the bar. Wondering what to do, he spied some hickory nuts and tried to make the drink from them instead. The doctor came in at his regular time, took a sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No," said the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Two good Wyoming buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.

However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end.

Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.

catastrophe !!!



Ah . . . Richard, that's purrfect.
- - - - - - - -


What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
A duck filled fatty puss!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of "Finest Fish Fryer." Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally excellent. However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and won the title.

"Alas!" lamented the other, "There but for the glaze of cod go I!"

Bonus Joke:

We recently took a trip to Merrie Olde England, and we enjoyed it very much. The service was good and the food was much better than we had been told to expect.

We ordered at a small fish and chips shoppe in the English Midlands, and we couldn't believe the size of the portion of fish that came. It was unbelievably large and it was even more delicious.

It was truly wonderful, but how could they make money giving so much fish at so reasonable a price? An English friend explained it, "It's the piece of cod which passes all understanding."

Bob, Ed, and Joe were out fishing one day . . .

Bob was an astrophysicist, he held a chair in the Physics Department at the State Polytechnic University. He belonged to the American Association of Physics Teachers, the Committee on Physics in Undergraduate Education and several other professional organization. Probably his most notable publication was "The Asymmetrical 'Sticking' Behavior of Two Balls on an Incline" Phys. Teach. 37, 463-467, (1999) - although he was also pleased with "The Pathological Kinematics of Unphysical Force Laws" Am. J. Phys. 60, 238-241, (1992). Aside from fishing with his buddies, he also enjoyed collecting the works of19th century Finnish Impressionists and coaching Little League.

Ed was a investment banker. He founded Edward Ed Associates Inc. in 1968 to provide merger advisory and financing for emerging companies in technology-intensive industries. In the mid-70s, he directed his efforts toward biotechnology and health care. He founded Cytogonic, Ecogentec, SepraInc, i-STATic, (formerly SEIC), and was instrumental in the early formations of Somamed, and WellPharm. And while he was under indictment for shaving some corners at the office, he was confident in his defense team and still enjoyed life to it's fullest.

Joe worked in the IT field. He had over 15 years of IT experience including experience in the areas of LAN and WAN, training and support, telephony, and e-mail and security. He was skilled in designing infrastructure and implementing technology to support large user groups, supporting users at corporate headquarters as well as multiple remote locations, and effectively managing $1 million IT budgets as well as IT staff. He had a proven ability to translate business needs into technology requirements that support the company's business objectives and to successfully manage all phases of IT projects from needs analysis and requirements definition to vendor selection, implementation, and training. And although some might consider him to be something of a "computer geek", Joe was convinced that his passion for origami set him apart from the field.

Towards evening, Bob, Ed, and Joe decided that the fish just weren't going to bite, so they called it a day and headed back to Bob's truck. Well, to be exact, it was a 1994 Dodge Ram with the Cummins Turbo Diesel 175 HP, 420 lb-ft , CPL 1815, package. The: New Venture Gear NV4500 5 Speed Manual 5.61, 3.04, 1.67, 1.00, 0.75, R 5.6; New Venture Gear NV241 Transfer Case; 3.54 Axles - 4850 lb Dana 60 in front, 7500 lb Dana 80 in the rear - the optional Towing Package and Snowplow Prep - with #039 passenger side, #046 driver side front springs; 4 Wheel ABS; RV Mirrors; Clearance Lights ; ST Package with AC, Cruise, Tilt Wheel, Am/FM/Cassette 4speaker; Light group; Dodge Under the Rail Bed Liner . . . you know, pretty much your standard fishing outfit.

As they neared the pickup, they saw that it was surrounded by bears - three bears to be exact. Grizzlies, to be even more precise . . . Ursus arctos to pin it down even more. You know, the Ursus arctos that once ranged throughout northern and central Europe, Asia, the Atlas mountains of Morocco and Algeria, and western North America as far south as Mexico. They are now found in extremely small numbers from western Europe and Palestine to eastern Siberia and the Himalayan region, possibly the Atlas Mountains of northwest Africa, and Hokkaido. Northern North American populations in Alaska and western Canada remain fairly stable. Many populations in the United States have been extirpated, including those of the Sierra Nevada and southern Rockies. Northern Mexican populations were extirpated in the 1960's. (Wilson and Ruff, 1999)

Well, seeing the three bears, stopped Bob, Ed, and Joe dead in their tracks. Bob, being the natural leader of the three, hit upon a plan.

"OK guys", Bob said, "I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really piss these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth."

Ed simply said, "fine with me Bob."

But Joe, ever the whiner, groused: "Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster pissed off, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"

Bob, the pragmatic leader replied: Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

If my coworkers hear much more groaning from my office they are probably gonna call the paramedics.

But by all means, continue

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

"No, she's not." replied the man

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore

Excellent

A man went in to the dentists office for his six month check up. While the doctor was checking out the mans mouth he noticed that the dental plate that the doctor inserted six month earlier was very corroded.
The doctor asked the man, "what have you been eating lately?" The man responded, "about two months ago my wife made some hollandaise sauce to go with our dinner, I loved it so much that I eat it all the time now." The doctor replied, " Thats it!" He then continued to tell the man that hollandaise contains a lot of lemon juice, which is what was causing the corrosion of his dental plate.
" We will have to replace that plate with a new chrome plate," said the doctor. "Why a chrome plate?" asked the man.
"Well sir," replied the doctor, "there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."


But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.

"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said.

"They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.

(Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:


GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Dave Barry?

Italian Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"

"Six To Eight Black Men - A Christmas Essay"
By David Sedaris

I've never been much for guidebooks, so when trying to get my bearings in a strange American city, I normally start by asking the cabdriver or hotel clerk some silly question regarding the latest census figures. I say silly because I don't really care how many people live in Olympia, Washington, or Columbus, Ohio. They're nice enough places, but the numbers mean nothing to me. My second question might have to do with average annual rainfall, which, again, doesn't tell me anything about the people who have chosen to call this place home.

What really interests me are the local gun laws. Can I carry a concealed weapon, and if so, under what circumstances? What's the waiting period for a tommy gun? Could I buy a Glock 17 if I were recently divorced or fired from my job? I've learned from experience that it's best to lead into this subject as delicately as possible, especially if you and the local citizen are alone and enclosed in a relatively small space. Bide your time, though, and you can walk away with some excellent stories. I've heard, for example, that the blind can legally hunt in both Texas and Michigan. They must be accompanied by a sighted companion, but still, it seems a bit risky. You wouldn't want a blind person driving a car or piloting a plane, so why hand him a rifle? What sense does that make? I ask about guns not because I want one of my own but because the answers vary so widely from state to state. In a country that's become so homogenous, I'm reassured by these last touches of regionalism.

Guns aren't really an issue in Europe, so when I'm traveling abroad, my first question usually relates to barnyard animals. "What do your roosters say?" is a good icebreaker, as every country has its own unique interpretation. In Germany, where dogs bark "vow vow" and both the frog and the duck say "quack," the rooster greets the dawn with a hearty "kik-a-ricki." Greek roosters crow "kiri-a- kee," and in France they scream "coco-rico," which sounds like one of those horrible premixed cocktails with a pirate on the label. When told that an American rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo," my hosts look at me with disbelief and pity.

"When do you open your Christmas presents?" is another good conversation starter as it explains a lot about national character. People who traditionally open gifts on Christmas Eve seem a bit more pious and family oriented than those who wait until Christmas morning. They go to mass, open presents, eat a late meal, return to church the following morning, and devote the rest of the day to eating another big meal. Gifts are generally reserved for children, and the parents tend not to go overboard. It's nothing I'd want for myself, but I suppose it's fine for those who prefer food and family to things of real value.

In France and Germany, gifts are exchanged on Christmas Eve, while in Holland the children receive presents on December 5, in celebration of Saint Nicholas Day. It sounded sort of quaint until I spoke to a man named Oscar, who filled me in on a few of the details as we walked from my hotel to the Amsterdam train station.

Unlike the jolly, obese American Santa, Saint Nicholas is painfully thin and dresses not unlike the pope, topping his robes with a tall hat resembling an embroidered tea cozy. The outfit, I was told, is a carryover from his former career, when he served as a bishop in Turkey.

One doesn't want to be too much of a cultural chauvinist, but this seemed completely wrong to me. For starters, Santa didn't use to do anything. He's not retired, and, more important, he has nothing to do with Turkey. The climate's all wrong, and people wouldn't appreciate him. When asked how he got from Turkey to the North Pole, Oscar told me with complete conviction that Saint Nicholas currently resides in Spain, which again is simply not true. While he could probably live wherever he wanted, Santa chose the North Pole specifically because it is harsh and isolated. No one can spy on him, and he doesn't have to worry about people coming to the door. Anyone can come to the door in Spain, and in that outfit, he'd most certainly be recognized. On top of that, aside from a few pleasantries, Santa doesn't speak Spanish. He knows enough to get by, but he's not fluent, and he certainly doesn't eat tapas.

While our Santa flies on a sled, Saint Nicholas arrives by boat and then transfers to a white horse. The event is televised, and great crowds gather at the waterfront to greet him. I'm not sure if there's a set date, but he generally docks in late November and spends a few weeks hanging out and asking people what they want.

"Is it just him alone?" I asked. "Or does he come with backup?"

Oscar's English was close to perfect, but he seemed thrown by a term normally reserved for police reinforcement.

"Helpers," I said. "Does he have any elves?"

Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but I couldn't help but feel personally insulted when Oscar denounced the very idea as grotesque and unrealistic. "Elves," he said. "They're just so silly."

The words silly and unrealistic were redefined when I learned that Saint Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as "six to eight black men." I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always "six to eight," which seems strange, seeing as they've had hundreds of years to get a decent count.

The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-fifties, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends. I think history has proven that something usually comes between slavery and friendship, a period of time marked not by cookies and quiet times beside the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility. They have such violence in Holland, but rather than duking it out among themselves, Santa and his former slaves decided to take it out on the public. In the early years, if a child was naughty, Saint Nicholas and the six to eight black men would beat him with what Oscar described as "the small branch of a tree."

"A switch?"

"Yes," he said. "That's it. They'd kick him and beat him with a switch. Then, if the youngster was really bad, they'd put him in a sack and take him back to Spain."

"Saint Nicholas would kick you?"

"Well, not anymore," Oscar said. "Now he just pretends to kick you."

"And the six to eight black men?"

"Them, too."

He considered this to be progressive, but in a way I think it's almost more perverse than the original punishment. "I'm going to hurt you, but not really." How many times have we fallen for that line? The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain, old- fashioned fear. What kind of Santa spends his time pretending to kick people before stuffing them into a canvas sack? Then, of course, you've got the six to eight former slaves who could potentially go off at any moment. This, I think, is the greatest difference between us and the Dutch. While a certain segment of our population might be perfectly happy with the arrangement, if you told the average white American that six to eight nameless black men would be sneaking into his house in the middle of the night, he would barricade the doors and arm himself with whatever he could get his hands on.

"Six to eight, did you say?"

In the years before central heating, Dutch children would leave their shoes by the fireplace, the promise being that unless they planned to beat you, kick you, or stuff you into a sack, Saint Nicholas and the six to eight black men would fill your clogs with presents. Aside from the threats of violence and kidnapping, it's not much different from hanging your stockings from the mantel. Now that so few people have a working fireplace, Dutch children are instructed to

Tap into this, I think you'll like it!

http://badaboo.free.fr/merryxmas.swf

I hope it works.

AJs

That address wasn't working but I believe this is the same one - pretty good!

http://www.thecompassgrou...ryxmas.swf

John you are right.
Thank You
AJS

Meahwhile, back at the punny farm...

Fashionable women in Indiana all wear designer Hoosiery.


(Russell is this true? Maybe we should consult snopes )

One winter, Bob and Ed built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Bob to Ed. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

Memo from Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately, I will no longer serve the States of
Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North
and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi,
Louisiana, Texas, and Missouri on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract, I also get longer breaks
for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement, who happens
to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good
boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus .. He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork
skins (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so
please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner,
and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond,
"I hear'd dat."


6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the w ords "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under
the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."

Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would ever make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice...
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

Index of Forbidden Books for Children

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Dad's New Wife Robert
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Some Kittens Can Fly
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
You Were an Accident
Your Nightmares Are Real
You're Different, and That's Bad

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

The annual canine obedience competition was only a week away when suddenly the dog trainer's union went on strike.

Non-union workers were hired to finish up training the dogs for the show. Training was going well as the replacement workers taught the dogs about fetching, rolling over & sitting.

Worried that they may lose their jobs entirely, the striking union members began to march with protest signs outside the training arena. This all began just about the time the dogs were supposed to be learning to follow the command to "heel."

Hearing the striker's chants and recognizing their real trainer's voices, the confused dogs would no longer follow the substitute trainers through their paces.

This came as no surprise to anyone because we've always known, "A scab will never heel if you picket."

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

Give it a rest Richard

[This message has been edited by Jon Bonine (edited 1/10/2007).]

Jon: Brothers should dwell in harmony.

and be of one a-chord?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Beware the day Richard starts telling them backwards..... he'll be de-composing!

We temporarily interrupt Bonine chat for the Joke of the Day...

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like piss!," he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

__________

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Bonine chat...

Mary went to an antiques store and bought a small, old-fashioned, kerosene lantern. But when she got it home, she found it infested with small albino insects that had recently vacated their former home on a feline. So what did Mary actually have?

Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.

Pool party this afternoon at Terry Hanson's place. Bring cold beer.

1). Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2). A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3). Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4). A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road!"

5). An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at, either.

6). I tried to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

7). I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8). What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

9). Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

10). Two fish bump into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A letter written from a redneck mom to her son.

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address

This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.

About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning
but I haven't found out what it is yet,
so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Love, Maw

funny!!!!

Two highway patrolmen stop a driver for speeding on the state highway in Meeteetse, Wyoming. As they are writing up the ticket, one trooper turns to the other and asks, "How do you spell Meeteetse"?

The other one replies, "I don't know."

"What are we going to do?" the first one asks. "If we spell it wrong, the judge will dismiss the charge."

"Well," says his partner, "why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Cody?"

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously. Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly faded.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Can't you get the joke?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm quitting Friday."

Bonus Joke:

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies' skirts and dresses.

Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.

Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.

The advice to the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"

Did you hear about the elevator operator who rode to the basement to pick up Dracula? He went down for the Count.

Have you heard about the cowboy who put Super Glue on his six-shooters? He always stuck to his guns.

What would you get if you crossed a sheriff with a canary? Wyatt Chirp.

What famous western sheriff started a chain of hotels? Hyatt Earp.

I'm impressed with that company that makes the dry erase presentation boards.
Their products are truly remarkable.

When there is a sale on tennis balls, it's first come, first serve

How did the flower do on the test?
It got all 'B's...

Does he know how long cows should be milked?
The same as short ones.

What is cowhide used for?
To keep the cow together.

My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Bonus Joke:

Rumor has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.

The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

World's Thinnest Books"

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore !

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.


The new wine will be marketed as... PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
Turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet Parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Prosecutor Noble?

LOYALTY IN MARRIAGE
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me."

The Queen had come to open a new surgical clinic at the local hospital. The ceremony finishing slightly early, she decided to visit some patients in other parts of the hospital.

She walked into the next ward and went up to the first bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.

The man looked at her and said, "My luve is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June."

Somewhat taken aback, she moved on to the next bed. "And why are you here?" she asked.

"Oh, wert thou in the cauld blast, on yonder lea, on yonder lea, My plaidie to the angry airt, I'd shelter thee, I'd shelter thee," came the reply.

Really confused now, the Queen tried once more. She moved on to the next bed. "Why are you in hospital?" she asked.

"Wee, sleeket, cowran tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!" was the answer.

The Queen turned to the hospital manager. "Is this the psychiatric ward" she asked?

"No, it's the Burns Unit."

(Side note: Poet Robert Burns was born January 25, 1759)

A Montanan, Texan & a North Dakotan are on a cruse ship when in goes down in a terrible storm and they are set adrift in a life boat just the three of them. Weeks pass and there is no help in sight until one day the Montanan see a bottle floating by. He grabs the bottle from the waves and clearly notes it is very old with a cork in it.

After closer examination the Montanan decides to open the bottle and out pops a gennie. The gennie declares he has been trapped in the bottle for many centuries and in gratitude for his freedom he will grant each man one wish. With out hesitation the Montanan says I wish I was back in Miles City at the airport Inn having a large pitcher of beer and a pizza, poof he was gone. The Texan pipes right up and says I wish I was back in Billy Joe's Bar in Houston with all my buddies, poof he was gone.

So the gennie and the North Dakotan sit in the raft for days longer when the North Dakotan final looks at the gennie and says "Damn I'm lonely I wish my friends where back" poof.

[This message has been edited by Chuck Schott (edited 1/29/2007).]

NEW WORDS FOR 2007:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8.SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15.404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

This year at our high school, there are two senior girls that are best of friends. One's name is Dolores Penn, and the other's name is Dolores Seward.

As you might expect, both girls are called "Dee" by their friends and families. Since the two girls are always together, the students at the high school cannot resist a few wordplays on the girls' names. For example, whenever one of the girls flips the wall switch, the students say they are Dee-lighted. Whenever the girls, who just love fishing, discuss lures, the students say they are Dee-baiting. Whenever the students see the two girls walking the hallways, they say, "here come the parodies (pair of Dees)." For purposes of brevity, the rest of the wordplays will be left to the reader's imagination.

As close as their friendship is, they also have a competitive side to their relationship. Both girls want to attend Harvard next year, so they decided to have a friendly competition to see which one can get accepted. Both of the girls are excellent students and citizens, and both of them have been elected to the National Honor Society. Each one believes that it is their extracurricular activities that will get them admitted to college.

Dolores Penn, who has a real way with words, has worked to become the editor of the school newspaper and is the high school's top debater.

Dolores Seward, on the other hand, is easily the school's top female athlete. Not only is she all-conference in fencing, but she also is the school's best female basketball player and golfer.

Six weeks after they applied for admission to Harvard, their competition was over. Dolores Penn was admitted, but Dolores Seward was rejected.

The whole school had known about their friendly competition, so it was no surprise when the school paper's headlines the next day read,

"Dee Penn is mightier than Dee Seward."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Joke:

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls.

These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife,

"We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of allegiance."

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane."

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them.

He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry one of them, or both if he could get away with it, but he wasn't sure which one he would marry, if he could only get one.

He went to the girls' father and explained his quandary. "I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you."

"Give me Liberty or give me Beth."

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Ferdinand Feghoot was an ardent admirer of the great Sarah Bernhardt. It was whispered in Paris that he would do anything for her.

One cold winter day in the 1870's, they were strolling together along the
Left Bank when suddenly, right before them, an elderly gentleman threw up his hands, cried out "Adieu! All is lost!" and cast himself into the river.

"Helas, it is Aristide Plonc, the good landlord!" screamed la Bernhardt. "Aristide, try to swim! Come in to the bank! Look, I will hold out my parasol to you! "

"I refuse!" cried the old man. "I am bankrupt! None of my tenants has paid me! I will not come in!" And he went under again.

At that point, Feghoot took off his coat, plunged into the chill waters, and effected the rescue.

After they had taken M. Plonc home, dried him, filled him with cognac, and paid his most pressing bills, Sarah embraced Feghoot warmly. " You are brave, mon ami," she purred in his ear.

"Poor Aristide, why did he do it? He must have been out of his mind!"

"Oh no," replied Ferdinand Feghoot. "He just didn't have enough rents to come in out of the Seine."

The other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day.... It's important to my health.

MOVIES

Anthony Hopkins, as Hannibal Lechter, changes professions after Jodie Foster convinces him to become a tree surgeon in, "Science of the Limbs."

In a bio-pic based on the life of Natalie Cole, Sissy Spacek portrays the popular singer in her very early years as she tries to live up to her father's expectations in, "Cole's Minor Daughter."

George Burns, John Denver and a Japanese monster get together in a spine-tingling sci-fi thriller, "Oh Godzilla."

John Wayne plays a WWII Colonel who heads up a Philippine guerilla group and starts a revival in wicker furniture in, "Back to Rattan."

SONGS

After discovering his girlfriend had undergone plastic surgery, had her nose altered, her face lifted, breast implants, a fanny lift and a tummy tuck, Tom Jones sings the Hal David and Burt Bacharach hit from the movie of the same name, "What's You, Catcat?"

A group of proctologists attend the World Series, stand up at the seventh-inning stretch, and join in a chorus of "Take Me Out to the Bowel Game."

The Beatles sing their million-seller about a woman who dances topless at a noontime luncheon in, "Day Stripper."

The Dave Clark Five sing about hide-and-seek in an outhouse in their 1965 hit, "Catch Us In The Can."

Don McLean sings about his love for the mathematical formulas for circles, diameters and circumferences in his 1971 classic hit, "A Mere Icon, Pi."

TV SHOWS

Steve McGarrett says, "Book him, Danno," and goes surfing for bad guys online in an upgraded version of the classic series, " Hawaii 6.0."

Ralph Edwards hosts the show that surprises unwary guests of honor and awards them with a choice of pumpernickel or rye bread in "This Is Your Loaf."

John Forsythe, Linda Evans, and Joan Collins star as the Carrington family who fight among themselves for control of their vast oil holdings and try to kill each other to the most horrible ways in the nighttime soap, "Die Nasty."

A new TV show on CBS Friday evenings tells the story about a famous opera singer who retired and moved to a California suburb in "Beverly Sills 90210."

Elizabeth Montgomery hosts a new talk show with a discussion group of angry women in "We Bitched."

Angie Dickenson and Earl Holliman catch and arrest criminals by using an experimental device consisting of a warm mass of flour, herbs and mustard in "Poultice Woman."

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States.

Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham.

The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, the National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties.

The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage.

That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as Ground Hog Day.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No."

After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!

Richard,

Was that Spanish capitan related to the Madrid fireman who named his twin sons Josè and Hoseb?

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production. Dr. Beraid's death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over two tons. Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute, who looked remarkably like Jabba the Hut.

One of the complicating factors in caring for this beast was his terrible bad breath. After feeding, It was necessary for several of the apes to force over 100 Clorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab. On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas spilled the breath freshener tablets onto the floor.
The doctor became enraged and began beating the poor ape. His brothers rioted and pandemonium ensued. It was four days before the police could enter the area with hermetically sealed Caterpillar bulldozers. Portions of Dr. Beraid's remains were DNA fingerprinted from wall and ceiling residue.

The police report summarizing the event states, ... "Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Joke:


They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They knew it would be difficult , but they were determined to succeed.
They had landed with grass seeds to plant and embryos of horse, sheep and cattle. But the grass wouldn't grow, and none of the calves survived. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there not enough animals to meet their needs.

So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef.
Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and the colonists replied it was.

Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "we got everything we asked for," he shouted. . . . "They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy."

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

While I was watching a game last weekend, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted
to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking
fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

grooooaaaannnnnn

Man, these are just AWFUL! ;>
Keep 'em comin'!

For those of us who MIGHT be getting old someday.....



A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the
bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Ralph was not any old audiophile. He was a vinylphile. Row upon row of vintage LP's, carefully cataloged and lovingly sorted into twelve huge custom cases in his den. But he had problems. Albums in top condition (including the jacket, of course) were getting hard to come by. And he'd just noticed that he was losing some of the high frequency sound from one of his favorites -- a sure sign that it was time to replace the stylus in his turntable. Except that that was his last stylus. And no one sold them any more. He'd cried on the phone to his brother. And cried himself to sleep that night. He was awakened by the doorbell the next morning. The FedEx man was standing there with a package. "Sign, please." Ralph blindly scrawled his name on the form and took the small package. Return address: his brother. And then opened it. Contents: four brand-new cartridges and ten replacement styli. He crumpled.

"To think that I was so needlelessly worried!"

I simply can't stand it anymore, I must respond in kind!
Richard, you've thrown the gauntlet, prepare to be challenged!

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Top Reasons for Being a Tenor:

-Tenors get high without drugs.

-Name a musical where the bass got the girl.

-You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.

-Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see The Three Basses?

-Who needs brains when you've got resonance?

-Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.

-When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.

-Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for basses.

Top Reasons for Being a Bass:

-You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.

-You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.

-Or a pre adolescent boy.

-Action heroes are always basses. That is, if they ever sang, they would sing bass.

-You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop (boong ching ... boong chi-ching).

-If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.

-You never need to learn to read the treble clef.

-It doesn't matter much if you get a cold.

-For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.

-If you burp while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano:

-The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.

-Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?

-When sopranos sing in the shower, they know the tune.

-You are never going to sing the alto part by accident.

-Great costumes: like the hat with the horns on it.

-How many world famous altos can you name?

-When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.

-When you get tired of the tune, you can sing the descant.

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto:

-You get really good at singing E flat.

-You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures. tang ... tang ... tang ...)

-No warm up needed to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.

-If the choir really stinks, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed.

-You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.

-You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.

-You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor.

-Altos get all the great intervals.

-When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.

-When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.

The Center for Disease Control looked more like a tumor on the landscape than the architectural and scientific marvel it really was. The vast complex had spread unchecked over the years to the point where it threatened to devour its neighbors.

Inside, white-robed scientific types squinted into microscopes, sat hunched over rectangles of stained glass the size of a Tahitian postage stamp and squirted colored liquids into test tubes.

They were searching for a mysterious virus which had appeared just weeks before and was responsible for an outbreak of tiny, running sores that had broken out on the lips of everybody who had eaten at Norway Knute's Diner on the evening of June 5th. At first, it was thought to be a form of food poisoning, but closer examination revealed that an unidentified virus was responsible for those sore lips.

For his part, Knute was extremely upset that his well-respected establishment would be associated with this type of thing. It was not the kind of advertising he had in mind.

After some preliminary investigation, it was determined that the virus appeared to be a mutated form of the dreaded Disgusticus Lipposaurus B virus which had been responsible for wiping out an entire Japanese village in 1983. They were working around the clock to try to check the spread of this highly contagious mutant.

Six weeks after the initial outbreak, one of the researchers just happened to notice that the mutations of the HLB, or "Diner" Virus as they called it, were slowing down and a definite pattern was emerging. From there, it became a relatively easy task to predict what form the virus would take next and therefore, to halt its progress. In short, they found a cure. The HLB Virus would be no more.

In recognition of her discovery, the young researcher was presented with a number of awards and prizes, was written up in all the better scientific journals and spent the better part of a year on the talk show circuit describing her role in the extinction of the Diner Sores.

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job it is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB," "Right, CB" and so on.

Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings, and say "No."

But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.

The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser."

Well, the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! Soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling great.

He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!"

Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"

A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them seemed to be taken. He hunted and hunted, but every place he found was already taken by another Yes Man.

Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of its size. Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said "No." It felt great! So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death.

Which just goes to prove that "A Little No Ledge Can Be a Dangerous Thing."

Johnny walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, for school I'm supposed to find out the difference between Potentially and Realistically.
Dad says, "Ok, go ask your sister if she would sleep with the mailman for 1million dollars."

So, Johnny goes and asks his sister if she would sleep with the mailman for 1 million dollars. The Sister pauses and says, "Yes, I think I would."

Johnny goes back and tells his dad what the sister said. So Dad says, "Ok, now go ahead and ask your mom if she will sleep with the milkman for 1 million dollars.

Johnny goes and asks his mom, she pauses and then says, "Yes, I think I would."

Johnny then goes and tells his father, so his father says..."Well, son potentially we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but realistically we are living with two Whores

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters,
whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time,
so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung
at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's
amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk
on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

A Mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is.".

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

A cowboy herding sheep? Ouch! Nevertheless, good one!

What do you get when you mix holy water and caster oil?



A religious movement

Lady walks in to see the vet about her very sick pet duck. Vet carefully lays the duck on the table, checks for vitals, and says, "Sorry, but your duck is dead." Lady says, "Are you certain!? Please check again!" So, vet listens closely with his stethoscope and once again tells the lady her duck has expired.

The lady SCREAMS, "I CAN'T BELIEVE MY DUCK IS DEAD! I WANT A SECOND OPINION!" So, the vet leaves the room, only to return with a big black Labrador. The dog sniffs the duck from tip to toe, twice. The dog then looks sadly at the vet and shakes his head from side to side. The lady is speechless! The vet again leaves the room and returns with a large cat. He places the cat near the dead duck and the cat then sniffs the duck in a careful fashion. When finished, the cat leaves the room. The vet promptly declares the duck, once again, dead. While the lady is very saddened by the death of her beloved duck, she is shocked by the vet's bill! "Good god! Why did you charge me this much to tell me my duck is dead?!" The vet says, "Sorry, my bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan...