Posted by (+10306) 16 years ago
just retuning the favor Richard, for the chicken jokes 
Why did the elephant cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What was the elephant doing out on the Interstate?
About 5 mph.
How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
An elephant is gray.
What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
How do you get four elephants into a VW Beetle?
Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the VW Beetle.
How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.
How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.
Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
No? Then it must work.
Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
How many legs does an elephant have?
Duh! Four, two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get an elephant into a VW Beetle?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
How do you get 4 elephants into a VW Beetle?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW Beetle parked outside it.
How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.
The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.
How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimists!
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.
What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.
How do you know if there is an elephant in the Bar?
It's bicycle will be parked outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the Bar?
There'll be a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the Bar?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas. . . .
How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
Parachute him from an airplane.
Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are skydiving.
Why are pygmies so short?
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.
Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
To fit on lily pads.
Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Why are frogs so short?
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Why are pygmies so short?
They can't tell time.
What is that stuff between elephants toes?
Watchless natives.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!
What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A dead ant.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.
What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts
What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.
What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!
What do elephants use for slippers?
Sheep!
What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What was the elephant doing out on the Interstate?
About 5 mph.
How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
An elephant is gray.
What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
How do you get four elephants into a VW Beetle?
Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the VW Beetle.
How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.
How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.
Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
No? Then it must work.
Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
How many legs does an elephant have?
Duh! Four, two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get an elephant into a VW Beetle?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
How do you get 4 elephants into a VW Beetle?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW Beetle parked outside it.
How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.
The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.
How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimists!
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.
What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.
How do you know if there is an elephant in the Bar?
It's bicycle will be parked outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the Bar?
There'll be a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the Bar?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas. . . .
How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
Parachute him from an airplane.
Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are skydiving.
Why are pygmies so short?
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.
Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
To fit on lily pads.
Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Why are frogs so short?
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Why are pygmies so short?
They can't tell time.
What is that stuff between elephants toes?
Watchless natives.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!
What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A dead ant.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.
What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts
What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.
What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!
What do elephants use for slippers?
Sheep!
What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
