1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor .

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Question #4 is overly simplistic to the point of being idiotic.

Thanks. That truly made me laugh.

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why do they have locks on the doors?

Why do you park on driveway, but drive on a parkway?

that's all I could come up with off the top of my head

Can a person be scared half to death twice?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

- - - - - - - - -

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
How do I set my LaserPrinter to "Stun"?

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How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?

- - - - - - - - -

If I save the whales, where do I store them?
If ignorance is bliss, why does it breed so much hate?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

- - - - - - - - -

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If I save time, when do I get it back ?

- - - - - - - - -

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
What would be the speed of lightning if it didn't zigzag?
What's another word for thesaurus?

- - - - - - - - -

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
When a smurf chokes, what color does it turn?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

- - - - - - - - -

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?

- - - - - - - - -

Why is the alphabet in that order - is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why isn't there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?

- - - - - - - - -

How did a fool and his money get together to begin with?
Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?


[This message has been edited by Hal Neumann (edited 5/8/2006).]

Brian- I have come to expect more from you!

I had 30 seconds to reply to that post (just as I have about 25 seconds now). The question remains idiotic. Man did not descend from monkeys and apes. Man, monkeys and apes descended from a common ancestor. We're cousins - not father and child. His question was the same thing as asking, "If we've descended from our grandparents, why do we still have our grandparents?" It's idiotic.

And yet...

"26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
"
Seemed not ridiculous to you?

I think you need to digest the list in the manner it was meant to be consumed.

"If we've descended from our grandparents, why do we still have our grandparents?"

I think the term was "evolved". I'm not sure we evolved from our grandparents.

A person wouldn't evolve over two generations. The analogy is valid.

What analogy is valid?

Uh Brian,

I don't find anything particularly intellectual about any of those questions - but sure found a chuckle or two. The term "lighten up" comes to mind.

I will make my own attempt to add to the idiocy.

If a man says something in the forest, and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Oh, there's the phone........as expected, my membership application to Mensa just burst into flames.

Happy Wednesday.

Which is quicker..
to New York or by bus?

WHY DO THEY CALL IT A GARAGE SALE... WHEN THEYRE REALLY NOT SELLING THE GARAGE???

Why do they call it a permanent when it's only temporary?