Abe Cohen was a very successful barber whose tonsorial shop happened to be located next store to a bowling alley. Cohen became enamored with the sport and was determined to get his score over 200 so he began spending more time bowling than barbering. He had started a game with 6 consecutive strikes one afternoon when the political boss of the county tracked him down and demanded an immediate shave.

Cohen indignantly pushed him aside, declaring firmly, "A bowling Cohen lathers no boss."

Yup. An old rabbi was walking thru a town occupied by little people called Tids when he came upon a bridge. He noticed that every time a Tid started across the bridge a mean old troll jumped up and kicked them into the creek. He started across the bridge, got all the way across, then doubled back looking for the troll. When he found him, he asked "why do you kick them off the bridge, but let me go back and forth?"
The mean old troll just looked at him and said "silly rabbi, kicks are for Tids!"

It gets worse

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his odd diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[This message has been edited by Jeff Denton (4/30/2011)]

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call. 'Ted's or Hale's'."

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature, fell in love with Carmencita, a most possessive girl. She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye but it didn't surprise her because that trait was inherited from his primitive ancestors when they swung continually from limb to limb. She decided there was only one way she could be certain her man would remain faithful until she could exchange the alter for the halter. By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment, she became the village joke but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful, a state of grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.

Everywhere she went, eager, inquiring maidens would ask her for the secret of her success and her wise answer can be condensed to seven words: "You always herd the Juan you love."

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
"He who has a Tates is lost!"

We've just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Werkin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Werkin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Uncle.

The Ghandi joke rules.

agree with the Ghandi joke...so far it rules...

Many anthropologists and historical mathematicians claimed that the ancient Mayans figured out the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times. But Herr Professor Doktor Fliegelberger's reputation was made when he conclusively showed that claim to be fraudulent.

Fliegelberger offered his ironclad thesis in his groundbreaking article, "Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi."

Oh, the humanity.

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"


(here it comes....)


"In stinkt."

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is."

The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

It was parent's day at the local university and the Dean was showing a group of parents the great things about the campus. While walking by the Science building a student walked out dressed entirely in black, wearing a mask and brandishing a sword.

When one of the parents inquired if such a student could be considered a distraction to the others, the Dean replied "Well yes. But you see we have a Zorro Tolerance policy at this school."

I think you broke the thirteen joke rule... but I was crying

I've already said "Uncle". It's not nice to keep punching me.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey..."

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Not gonna lie, I don't get it.

He didn't want them to think he was a WASP.

[This message has been edited by Buck Showalter (5/16/2011)]

I think "Jokes for Masochists" is a more appropriate title.

Mary had a little lamb,
But she wasn't really sure;
Was she quite full enough,
or should she have some more.

Mary had a little lamb,
With carrots and with peas.
A little mint sauce on the top,
And stuffing in its knees.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was black as soot;
And every where that Mary went,
It's sooty foot it put.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her wool was black as night;
During nuclear holocaust,
It soon turned into white.

Mary had a little lamb,
So take a tip from me:
If it has fleas as white as snow,
Then use some DDT.

Mary had a little lamb,
She didn't know what for;
So she stuck it on a handle,
And used it to mop the floor.

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon;
2,000 volts went up it's tail,
and turned the wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb,
It made a horrid mess;
And when her mum came into clean,
She could not even guess.

Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it awfully quaint;
She didn't like the color much,
So she covered it with paint.

Mary had a little lamb,
It was always in a hurry;
It slipped while crossing over the road,
And ended up as curry.

Mary had a little lamb,
It was short and squat;
Despite its ugliness and smell
She liked it quite a lot.

Mary had a new born lamb,
It's eyes were still closed;
Mary cuddled and nursed the creature;
So it could later be exposed.

Mary had a greedy lamb,
It 'ate' and 'ate' all day;
And when she tried to up and leave,
It tried to make her stay!

Mary had a head-ache,
And the lamb was feeling sad;
So it waited 'til she'd gone to sleep -
It said she wasn't bad.

Mary tried to train her lamb,
Rewarding it with hay;
She taught it lots of clever things,
But what I cannot say!

Mary had a little lamb,
She put it on all fours;
She was looking for the buttons,
But all she found was pause.

Mary had a little lamb
And now I've had enough
Of this stupid girl called Mary
And her wooly bit of fluff.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her fleece was white snow;
Quite how this is original,
I really do not know.

Timmy had a little lamb,
He thought that he was Mary;
But as he was in the wrong rhyme,
He thought it quite contrary.

Mary had a little lamb,
So cute it was untrue;
And so all the other ugly lambs,
Stuck it down with glue.

Mary had some time to spare,
And wrote a little poem;
She based it on a lamb she`d seen,
But didn't even know him.....

Mary's poem did the rounds,
Achieving world-wide fame;
The problem with it now is that,
It just seems rather lame.

*****************
* The Epilogue *
*****************

Mary had a little lamb,
That gets me every time;
I can never work out what to say,
Or how to make it rhyme.

Mary had a little lamb,
Well what a bloody fuss;
Its not as if we really care,
So why the hell tell us.

Mary had a little lamb,
This rhyme is getting boring;
With all these crap variations,
Someone stop me snoring.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow,
It followed her to school one day...
And the dogs ate it.

Four graduates of Hunter College decided to get together for lunch at Carnegie Deli. It was a pleasant enough affair as they caught up on thirty years of family activities.

Sara said, "I'm so proud of my son. David is an investment banker down on Wall St."

Rachel piped up, "My son Ben is a surgeon at Mt. Sinai."

Lynn followed with, "My Donna just earned her tenure at Columbia University."

Heidi countered with, "Sol is a pain management specialist on Park Avenue." This got a look from Rachel, but she didn't say anything.

On the E train back to Forest Hills, Rachel asked Heidi, "What was that all about? As far as you ever told me, Sol couldn't get into med school."

"Never you mind, Rachel. Let them hear what they want to hear. I said, 'Sol is a pane management specialist on Park Avenue.'" She shrugged. "So he washes windows at Grand Central Station. It's an honest living."

IBM has been trying to increase market share by recruiting to more obscure markets for Internet access. They've even attempted to get the monasteries connected to the Internet.

At one small monastery in France, the monsignor, Father Jean-Paul, was not interested in getting access to the Internet, but one monk, Brother William, tried to persuade him. As an additional incentive, IBM even offered to give them free access for one year. The Father finally agreed but only under strict conditions that the monk would only use the Internet for Biblical research.

Brother William started using the Internet and became amazed at the amount of information available. He downloaded texts of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Biblical commentaries, and talked with people who studied the ancient Greek and Hebrew languages. Father Jean-Paul was impressed with the research done and the amount of information available, but continued to warn Brother William about the temptations of the Internet.

Well, Brother William continued his research, and soon he became a bit of an authority himself on Biblical matters.

Soon, people were e-mailing him for information on the Bible and spiritual matters. He would answer their questions and even set up his own "Dear Monk" web site. He even started sending out weekly heartwarming stories about how God was working in people's lives.

Eventually he noticed that many people kept asking the same questions over and over, so he created a little booklet of frequently asked questions about God.

But now Brother William had a dilemma. He knew that according to human nature, people value information more if they have to pay for it, but he had taken a vow of poverty and did not want any money. So, he decided to set up charity fund for widows and orphans, and all proceeds from his booklets would go to charity.

So Brother William setup an Internet business where people would order one of his booklets, and he would send it to them after they sent a small amount of money to the charity fund.

When Father Jean-Paul discovered what Brother William had done, he discharged him immediately from the monastery. For it seems that the Father did not like his monk e-business.

A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation society use the hall for their performance.

It just goes to show that "actors speak louder than nerds!"

Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen were striding down the streets of Metropolis one sunny afternoon. As they passed a construction site, Lois noticed a worker carrying a load of bricks up the ladder on his shoulder. She stopped dead, looked hard at him, then turned to the others and said," Someone should write a song: 'Bricking Up is Hard to Do'."

Jimmy stopped dead in his tracks, slapped his thigh, and let loose a series of guffaws that reverberated across the street. He suddenly paused mid-laugh and looked at Clark, who stood there, stoic as ever. "Gee, Mr. Kent that was a real laugh. Don't you get it?"

"Sorry, Jimmy," replied Clark Kent. "I ignore those. Remember that puns are the Lois form of humor."

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.

The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig.

The little hog laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon.

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Poop, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Once you know the facts it's understandable:

So Arnold approaches Maria and says "Maria, the maid wants another raise", and Maria after a little thought says.... "f*** her."

The rest is history.

Fred was a hard-working artisan who had tried producing many different styles of cheese. Most of these ended in failure. He started with brie, but the result was too breezy. His Swiss was unholy and his cheddar was very dull. Even his processed American Cheese Product was altogether unreal.

At last it came to him that his problem was a matter of proper timing.

His most successful effort worked when the cheese became finished on the last day of October. Thus, fortuitously, he created the perfect Halloween muenster.

moved joke to annoy Wendy.

[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr. (6/13/2011)]

Mission accomplished.

A man wanted to become a Pastor, so he went to a theological college to enroll. But when he arrived, he was met at the gates, and given his degree without even having to step into the college.




When he asked why, they said that it had been pre-ordained.

Norwegian Lottery...

Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a
truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

Ole said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

"What's dat, den?" asks Sven.

"Send my lawn away to be mowed."

"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." Lord Byron