How to deal with a spoiled child
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Posted by Amorette Allison (+11978) 11 years ago
Children who throw temper tantrums or hold their breath until they get their way can be a strain. They want to be the center of attention at all times and act out to get that attention.

To deal with such a child, you have to ignore them. Let them kick their heels and scream or turn blue. They want attention and if you reward their bad behavior, they will continue it. If you ignore their bad behavior, they will not be rewarded and will give up eventually.

However, before they give up, they will increase their bad behavior. After all, it has worked before. Like the rat pushing the lever, they will throw more tantrums because they have to test and confirm that their previously successful system has now failed.

You have to ignore them through this most difficult phase as well. Let them scream and rant and cry and continue paying them absolutely no attention. None. Any attention is a reward and an encouragement. A spanking is a reward under these circumstances so IGNORE the tantrum.

This only works, however, if everyone understands this. If a grandparent comes along and rewards the tantrum, the whole scheme has to start over again. Therefore, everyone who has contact with the child must be clear that all tantrums are to be IGNORED.

After a few weeks of the child screaming and carrying on and being ignored, the child will learn that tantrums no longer work.

Capice?
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Posted by Bridgier (+9307) 11 years ago
But what if some people (not me, obviously, but some people) enjoy poking the child with a stick just to watch him throw a tantrum?
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Posted by Buck Showalter (+4455) 11 years ago
I was once ticketed for molesting animals at a zoo. Because I refused to admit to my transgressions, they labeled me a Level III predator and won't allow me in any animal sanctuaries. I come here for my rocks.
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Posted by tlk (+189) 11 years ago
a few weeks ago i was in walmart when my son decided he wanted something. i refused and he began to scream, i ignored him knowing he was fine and a lady came up to me a threatened to report me to child services if i didn't give my son the attention he wanted.
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Posted by Buck Showalter (+4455) 11 years ago
That person should not have been allowed to vote.
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Posted by SeptyTwo (+668) 11 years ago
Tasing,

works everytime
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Posted by jw (+129) 11 years ago
I agree with you Amorette, but it is easier said than done.
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Posted by TK (+1629) 11 years ago
I agree with Amorette and jw.
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+10040) 11 years ago
I've no idea how to deal with spoiled children.

I'm still trying to figure how to decide when yogurt is spoiled.
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Posted by ike eichler (+1233) 11 years ago
My niece, who at the time was 3 or 4 years old, would hold her breath untill she would fall over. Her parents told me that she did this and to just ignore her like they did. Seems it was a pretty common occurance. While baby sitting, I was shaving and turned around to see her holding her breath. Turning on the cold faucet I threw a glass of water in her face. She took a deep breath and started to scream. The look of hatred in her eyes is something I will never forget, but she never held her breath around me again.
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Posted by Wendy Wilson (+6172) 11 years ago
Amorette has no children but I trust her judgment in general and agree here. However, you can't suddenly change your tactics after years of coddling and expect the behavior to stop immediately. It will take time and patience. It also helps if you don't otherwise ignore your child.
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Posted by Gail (+41) 11 years ago
Hal, had to giggle at your response. If a child is misbehaving in a store, it's time to take them to the car and have a parent to child talk. I never had a problem in any public place with my kids. They were taught how to act. My dad used to tell us, "just keep your dukes off" when we were in a store. When a child is throwing a fit, the parents should get a clue.
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Posted by aaron bruce (+199) 11 years ago
that is funny amorette..i giggled a little while reading that.

lets get particular shall we.

cost to clean up after and repair the vandalism from the 1,000,000 tea party protestors who marched on washington d.c.


0.00 dollars


cost to clean up and repair the vandalism caused by the teachers unions in wisconsin

1,000,000+ dollars

i believe if we would have not spared the rod on the spoiled teachers unions they would not have behaved like spoiled children.

[This message has been edited by aaron bruce (4/15/2011)]
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Posted by jw (+129) 11 years ago
I don't know you Aaron, nor do I care to ever see, speak or physically hear your voice. I find your posts incredibly ignorant. Since you have been unable to understand how your ignorance is so over the top, I felt that I needed to give you my own two cents. Get a clue.


Yes, I'm aware I'm feeding the troll.
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Posted by Barb Highsmith(Martin) (+30) 11 years ago
many years ago when my girls were little we were in Kmart with my dad doing some shopping. Before going in the girls were told to behave and keep their hands to themselves. Well after giving my then 3 yr old two warnings for going in between the clothing racks and having the 8yr old try and stop her, my dad calmly grabbed the younger one and swatted her on her behind which totally stunned her, because grandpa spanked her for misbehaving. I watched to see the reaction of a few people, some were stunned but said nothing. After that little incident she never acted up again in a public place. Yes children are spoiled but who makes them that way, the parents in most cases. In the case of my youngest, she was spoiled by her father and she could do no wrong in his eyes. It was my job to be the one to correct a lot of her behavior after he left us. Today she is 17 and well adjusted, she remembers grandpa's firm hand on her behind, but more importantly she remembers the hugs and kisses more, especially now that he is gone.
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Posted by Dave Roberts (+1512) 11 years ago
Capice?


[LucaBrasi]Donna Allison, aside from a few, I think the answer is NO[\LucaBrasi]
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Posted by Cheryl Pieters (+481) 11 years ago
Understanding Tears and Tantrums
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.

Many parents find it hard to understand and accept their children's tears and tantrums, and are confused by contradictory advice they have read. On one hand, much of the advice in parenting books is based on the assumption that crying and temper tantrums are behaviors that should be discouraged. Some people assume that these are indications of a "spoiled" child who is used to getting her own way, while others think of them more as immature behaviors that children must learn to control. It is generally believed that as soon as children are old enough to talk, the job of parents is to help them express their wants and feelings using words rather than tears or outbursts of rage. Even people who recognize crying as a sign of stress and frustration sometimes consider crying to be an unnecessary byproduct of stress. They assume that children will feel better once they stop crying. This belief may lead to efforts to distract children from their crying.

On the other hand, there is an increasing tendency to regard crying as a beneficial expression of feelings that has therapeutic value. Many therapists encourage children to cry, especially in situations involving loss. Therapists assume that crying is an important and necessary part of the grieving and recovery process. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, pointed out that failure to accept a child's painful emotions can have negative consequences. He claimed that children should be allowed to express their grief openly by crying during situations of separation or loss. He also felt that children should be allowed to express anger at their parents. The result of all this contradictory advice is that parents often wonder what to do when children cry or rage. Should they comfort, ignore, distract, punish, "give in" or listen empathically?

What does research tell us about crying?

Dr. William Frey, a biochemist in Minnesota, has researched the chemical content of human tears. One of the substances found in tears was the stress hormone ACTH. Thus it is possible that shedding tears helps to reduce excessive amounts of ACTH and perhaps other substances that accumulate following a stressful event. Dr. Frey has suggested that the purpose of emotional crying may be to remove waste products from the body, similar to other excretory processes such as urinating, defecating, exhaling, and sweating. Frey's conclusion is that "we may increase our susceptibility to a variety of physical and psychological problems when we suppress our tears." Crying not only removes toxins from the body but also reduces tension. Studies on adults in psychotherapy have found lower blood pressure, pulse rate, and body temperature in patients immediately following therapy sessions during which they cried and raged. Similar changes were not observed in a control group of people who merely exercised for an equivalent period of time.
Researchers have looked at the relationship between crying and physical health. Studies have found that healthy people cry more and have a more positive attitude about crying than do people who suffer from ulcers or colitis. Other studies have shown that therapy involving high levels of crying leads to significant psychological improvement. Those patients who did not express their feelings in this manner during therapy tended not to improve, while those patients who did frequently cry in therapy experienced changes for the better.

There is typically increased crying and tantrums in children for many weeks following catastrophes such as a hurricane, indicating that the children are attempting to release their terror and other strong emotions. Psychologists have studied crying in children during the highly stressful experience of a long hospitalization. Children who protested openly by crying and screaming at the beginning of their hospital stay showed better adjustment than the ones who were "good" patients right from the start. The latter appeared to be calm and cooperative, but were more likely to show signs of stress later on, such as regression to infantile modes of behavior, eating or sleeping difficulties, and learning disorders.
These different areas of research all indicate that crying is a healing mechanism that allows people to cope with stress and trauma. Crying can be considered a natural repair kit with which every child is born. People of all ages cry because they need to, not because they are "spoiled" or immature.

Why do children need to cry?

Children cry spontaneously after having experienced any kind of stress or trauma. The more stress there is in a child's life, the greater will be the need to cry. There are many sources of stress in children's lives. Illnesses, injuries, and hospitalization are cause for pain, confusion, and anxiety. Quarreling, separation, or divorce of a child's parents can be confusing and terrifying, as can the presence of a parent's new partner or a stepparent. Children's growing awareness of violence, death, and war can be sources of fear and confusion. Stress can result from a move to a new home, starting a new school, or the birth of a sibling.
Added to these major life stresses are all the daily separations, accidents, frustrations, disappointments, and anxieties. In a single morning at nursery school, a child can have a toy grabbed from him by another child, fall from a swing, be served a snack that he dislikes, spill paint on his new shoes, and have to wait for a late parent after all the other children have left. Even happy occasions can be stressful if they are overstimulating. It is not uncommon for young children to burst into tears during their own birthday party, for example. As if this weren't enough stress to worry about, many children also carry the burden of very early experiences of stress or trauma, such as that caused prenatally or during the birth process. Research has shown that babies who had medical complications during birth cry more than those whose births were less traumatic.

While much of children's stress is an inevitable part of life, parents can reduce their children's stress level (and therefore the need to cry) by providing a sensitive, accepting, child-friendly environment that recognizes children's needs. Non-authoritarian approaches to discipline are much less stressful for children and also more effective than the use of punishment. Finally, the entire family will benefit when parents look for ways to reduce stress in their own lives.

The "Broken Cookie" phenomenon.

The need to cry gradually builds up until the child feels an urge for release. At that point, almost anything will trigger the tears. Because of this, there are times when the reason for the child's crying is not immediately evident, and the outburst appears to be unjustified by the current situation. For example, a little girl's cookie breaks and she throws herself into a crying fit. Moments like these can be extremely exasperating for parents, but is the child really "spoiled" and "manipulative" as some people would claim?
There is another way of looking at the situation. When a child acts in this manner, she may be using the pretext of the broken cookie to release pent-up feelings of grief or anger resulting from an accumulation of stress and anxiety. Children do not cry indefinitely. They stop of their own accord when they are finished. After crying, there is a usually a feeling of relief and wellbeing. The incident that triggered the crying is no longer an issue, and the child usually becomes happy and cooperative.

Children do need to learn that loud crying is unacceptable at certain times and places, just as they must learn to use the toilet. However, all children, no matter what age, need at least one adult in their lives who can provide a safe time and place to listen to their emotions of grief or anger. If this kind of acceptance is provided in the home, it will be easier for children to refrain from crying in school or in public situations, and they will save up their crying for their safe home base.

Why is it so hard to accept children's tears?

It is difficult to allow children the freedom of tears because most of us were stopped from crying when we were young. Our well-meaning, but misinformed, parents may have distracted, scolded, punished, or ignored us when we attempted to heal our childhood hurts by crying. Some of us were stopped kindly: "There, there, don't cry," while others were stopped less kindly: "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!" Many people were praised for not crying. However it may have been communicated, most people received the message that crying was unacceptable. Because of this early conditioning, many adults have learned to suppress their own tears. This makes it hard for them to empathize with a crying child and results in a strong urge to stop the child from crying, just as their parents did with them.

In our culture, crying is even less acceptable for boys than for girls. Parents tend to be less tolerant of crying in boys, perhaps because of a fear that their sons will be thought of as weak and unmasculine if they show their emotions. "Big boys don't cry" is a commonly heard expression. The consequence of this is that some men have not shed a tear in years. This suppression of crying in men may be partly responsible for the fact that men are more prone than women to stress-related illnesses and die at an earlier age. It could also help explain why more men than women commit violent acts. When painful emotions are repeatedly repressed, they can become distorted and show up later as violence towards others.

Parents naturally want their children to be happy, and feel it is their job to make their children happy, often failing to realize that happiness will return spontaneously after the crying outburst has run its course. Many parents quickly lose confidence and feel they are incompetent when their children cry. It helps to remember that when children cry, the hurt has usually already happened. Crying is not the hurt, but the process of becoming unhurt. A child's tears or tantrums are not an indication of an incompetent parent. On the contrary, crying indicates that the child feels safe enough to bring up painful feelings, and is not afraid of being rejected.

How can parents respond helpfully to children's tears and tantrums?
First of all, parents can take preventive measures by attempting to reduce frustrations, disappointments, and overstimulation. It is a well-known fact that a tired or hungry child has a lower tolerance level for frustration. Some children are more sensitive than others and are easily upset by overstimulation or changes in routine. A calm and predictable environment with gentle transitions can be reassuring to children who become easily overwhelmed.
While it is important to keep stress at a minimum in children's lives, it is just as important to resist the urge to "make things better," if this implies distracting children from their feelings. If a child cries when her favorite toy breaks, it is tempting to say, "Don't cry. We'll buy another one." A more helpful response is to show loving sympathy and reflect her feelings, for example, "You're really sad about that." Although this may temporarily make the crying louder, it will help the child feel understood and will give her the necessary permission to express her feeling of loss. When a child is physically hurt it is important to acknowledge the pain ("I see that your scraped knee really hurts") rather than deny it or distract the child's attention away from it. Parents can also recognize the emotions such as fear or anger that often accompany an accident: "Was it scary falling off the swing?"
Even when the crying or raging seems to be out of proportion to the incident that triggered it, the child benefits when he is allowed to express himself. Perhaps the spilled milk at dinnertime is a pretext for him to release an entire day of accumulated frustrations or disappointments. The most helpful response is simply to allow the crying or tantrum to occur, even though this may require a tremendous amount of patience. If the crying is disruptive, the child can be taken to another room, provided an adult stays with him to offer loving support. No person of any age should be forced to cry alone. It is especially important that children never feel they are being punished for crying.

What about children who hit or bite?

If the child acts violently towards others while raging, it is important to stop the hurtful behavior. The child can be told that he must not hit another person, but he may hit a pillow. If verbal instructions to stop hitting are not effective, an adult may need to step in and provide gentle restraint, saying, "I need to keep everyone safe. I see you are very angry. I cannot let you hurt anyone, but it's okay to scream and cry." The goal is to stop the violence while encouraging a healing release of emotions. Children who hit or bite are often close to tears but do not feel safe enough to cry. Close and loving holding that interrupts the hurtful behavior can allow the child to begin crying, which is precisely what he needed to do in the first place. A child who has been allowed to cry loudly and freely within the safe boundaries of his parents' arms will then be less prone to violent or destructive behavior.

Conclusion

To conclude, tears and tantrums are built-in healing mechanisms that help children overcome the effects of stress and trauma. Acceptance of strong emotions is an essential ingredient in unconditional love and healthy attachment. Children need an environment that permits them to cry without being distracted, ridiculed, or punished. This will allow them to maintain emotional health by regularly freeing themselves from the effects of frustrating, frightening, or confusing experiences. When parents strive to accept and listen to their children's strong emotions, the children will know that they can always come to their parents with their problems, and that they will be loved no matter how sad, frightened, or angry they feel. Children brought up with this approach grow up to be cooperative, compassionate, and nonviolent. Furthermore, they have no need to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs. This approach to parenting is therefore an essential factor in reducing the problems of violence and drug abuse in our society.

http://www.awareparenting.com/
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Posted by Jeri Dalbec (+3267) 11 years ago
I have four kids, five grandkids and three great grandkids and I found "bribery" to work splendidly with all of them:-) Good old Dr. Spock was full of advise, too! Anyone remember him?
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Posted by SeptyTwo (+668) 11 years ago
Dr Spock was full of crap!

Logic and that stupid split-fingered handshake NEVER, EVER worked on my kids!
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr. (+15082) 11 years ago
Capice?


Yup, I capice... and IMO the "children" to which the originator of the thread is referring ought to be bitch-slapped from one end of main street to the other and what is left ought to be fed to the sharks in "Sanjel lake at Spotted Eagle"

[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr. (4/16/2011)]
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Posted by Gomer (+39) 11 years ago
How to deal with spoiled children? A belt works well. Mine grew up knowing what a belt was and I think I used it maybe 3 or 4 times. In stores hands were kept in pockets, and he didn't get anything he asked for. As a matter of fact if he asked for it he darn sure wasn't getting it, not even a candy bar. Once in a blue moon something was bought for him like a Matchbox car or something small as a I guess you could call it a bribe for good behavior but darn seldom. I could let him go to look at toys by himself at Coast to Coast and I would check on him without being seen and he would be standing in the isle looking at toys with his hands in his pockets. Other kids would be touching and handling and he would just be looking at them like they were heathens. He now has kids of his own and guess what? The grands now look at toys with their hands in their pockets. Being a PARENT is what your child needs. Not another friend, and a spanking once in a Blue Moon does not scar a child for life. But not being a parent will and it will pass on from generation to generation. Why do you think we are where we are now? JMHO
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Posted by Levi Forman (+3707) 11 years ago
Logic and that stupid split-fingered handshake NEVER, EVER worked on my kids!


The Vulcan neck pinch can come in handy though.
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Posted by chris a peterson (+31) 11 years ago
There were definitely reasons our folks did wbat they did. you hit the nail on the head gunnar. kids need parents not more friends but they do need friends too. unfortunately good parents do not get to be friends until later on in life, after we experience things necessary to wake our worthless teenage asses up...lolololol...i personally know of very few who did not go this route except frank grovenstien.
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Posted by Wendy Wilson (+6172) 11 years ago
How to deal with spoiled children? A belt works well. Mine grew up knowing what a belt was and I think I used it maybe 3 or 4 times.


If you don't spoil your children in the first place, there should be no need for a belt.
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Posted by Gomer (+39) 11 years ago
Wendy, you're kidding again? Aren't you? I wasn't spoiled by any means (we were poor) and i knew what the belt was for and got it a few times and deserved it everytime. My son definately was not spoiled and he knew what the belt was and got it a few times and he deserved it also. Point is, all kids no where the line is drawn and all kids will cross that line just to test it. That is the nature of being a kid. If the parent keeps redrawing the line after it is crossed that is where the problems start. If the child is knocked back across the line (so to speak) the child will eventually quit crossing the line.
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Posted by Buck Showalter (+4455) 11 years ago
What kind of cat needs a belt to hurt a kid?
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Posted by Michael LaFayette (+72) 11 years ago
Well I remember when I was a kid, when we would go to the store, if we asked for something, and was told no.. that was it.. if we threw a fit we got taken out to the car and usually got our asses spankeed, and then would not go to the store again for a good month or so.. I would say most of the people who write books on "parenting" do not even have kids of their own..
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