Happy 70th Birthday Chuck Norris!
Posted by Brian Hubbell (+116) 11 years ago
To celebrate Chucks Birthday, lets post as many Chuck Norris sayings as we can. I will start it out.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, becasue nobody fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is personally responsible for the over-population of China.
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Posted by CalebSamuelson (+109) 11 years ago
That's not a chin under Chuck Norris' beard, it's another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
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Posted by Rob Willy (+38) 11 years ago
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
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Posted by Dan Mowry (+1438) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman by pointing at her and saying "Booyah!"
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Posted by poisonspaghetti (+281) 11 years ago
I rode on an elevator with Chuck Norris...he smelled like butterscotch and morning dew.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 11 years ago
-Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

-Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

-Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

-Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

-Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
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Posted by Bridgit Morrison (+95) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.


Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
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Posted by Ashley Earley (+373) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

The crop circle thing? It's not aliens, it's Chuck Norris. And when asked why Chuck Norris does it, he says "because sometimes, corn just needs to lay the %[email protected]$ down!"
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Posted by Brian Hubbell (+116) 11 years ago
Wow these are great ones folks.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around akwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
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Posted by Rob Willy (+38) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
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Posted by Sarah Peterson (+374) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
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Posted by Stone (+1596) 11 years ago
1- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

3- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

5- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

6- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

7- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

8- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

9- They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take poop from anybody.

10- A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
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Posted by M T Zook (+515) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet, when he takes a piss.
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Posted by stephen (+250) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris shot the Sheriff, and then he roundhouse kicked the deputy.

A dinosaur looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONLY ONCE

If you google "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" You will get 0 results. It never happens.

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks
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Posted by M T Zook (+515) 11 years ago
Correction: Chuck Norris doesn't take a piss, he gives it.
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Posted by Brian Hubbell (+116) 11 years ago
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.

A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

[This message has been edited by Brian Hubbell (3/12/2010)]
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+14950) 11 years ago
Chuck Norris makes better pizza than Airport Inn.
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Posted by urijah (+135) 11 years ago
chuck norris once walked down the street with a boner...........there were no survivors.....



After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the imformation he wants
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