President Bush made a speech about homeland security in front of Mount Rushmore. There was one awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and said, "Which one is President Rushmore?"

Joke of the day huh? Ok here's one:

My Social Life

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?".

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a
horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "No, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement
and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Two peanuts were walking through the park.
One was assaulted.....

A priest, a blonde, a giraffe, and a midget walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this...some kind of a joke?"

Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of
all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I
found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die
first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.

"Look on the bright side," I suggested. "If I go
first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the
men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a
replacement for me."

Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't
be my type."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and
the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not
get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds????

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

So this dyslexic walks into a bra........

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.

The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabiatch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabiatch!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabiatch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabiatch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabiatch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabiatch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabiatch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabiatch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabiatch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabiatch!"

Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabiatch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f*ckers are alright."

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who only spoke Navajo, asked them a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts
said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son
relayed the comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it
would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these assholes, they have come to steal your land."

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans
And
Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner,
locks eyes
with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and
charges
at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound
me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this
happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few
days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click...(sounds
of
reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or
Hollow Points?

All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55 PM, the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume.

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58 PM." "What about you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer.

She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!"

Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

Gunnar, kudos amigo.

I guess the airlines are really having a problem with their budgets these days. They are cutting way back on luggage and they are STRICT about it.

Recently, on a national airline, a Vulture carrying two raccoons for a light snack and traveling business class was denied access to the plane.

Despite arguments with the flight attendant, he could not win. The Flight attendant insisted that there was to be only one carrion per passenger - no exceptions!

Chicken soup for the drinker's soul ...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
-- Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-- Ernest Hemingway

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
-- W. C. Fields

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-- Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"
-- Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
-- Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
-- Dave Barry

"Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862! "
-- unknown

George Bush was informed that a car bomb exploded and killed three Brazilian in Iraq. He dropped his head into his hands and shook his head from side to side and said " How many are in a Brazilian?"

Some people are like slinkies..They really aren't good for anything, but it still brings a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Oh god, I just choked on my breakfast! THAT was funny!
Even tho you tried to kill me just now, thanks for the laugh anyway!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Atheist: He said there is no DOG!!!

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."



One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the Olympics."



The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a$$ and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

Q: What do you say to a one-legged hitchiker?


A: Hop in.

Q: If a large busted woman is hired by Hooter's where can a one legged woman expect to find employment?




A: IHOP! With sincere apologies to all large busted and one legged women in the audience.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

Thinking Problem

-------------------

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it
wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.

She spent that night at her mother's.

Then, I began to think on the job.

I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.

I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it
hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.

I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors ... They didn't open.

The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster
caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line.

It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Republican.

One - Liners
---------------------------------
A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors

Optimist: A YUGO owner

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest

A Nun walks into a liquor store and buys a fifth of scotch. The cashier is curious about the purchase and asks the nun if she should be buying the devil water. The nun replies that it is okay, it is medicinal for her Mother Superior's constipation. She finishes her purchase and walks out of the liquor store.

Later that day the cashier closes shop and starts to walk home. On the way, he passes a playground and sees the nun drunk off her ass on the swing. He approaches her and says that he thought the scotch was for her Mother Superior's constipation. The nun replies, "It is. When she sees me like this, she'll just poop!"

NOTE: poop was s--- but it got changed when I posted.

[This message has been edited by Kelly (edited 11/2/2005).]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's
entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

After a terrible week, President Bush turned to the Lord in prayer.
"Oh, Lord," he prayed. "Give me guidance so I can be a better president.
The Lord answered him. " I am going to let you ask advice from three of our greatest presidents."
So Bush found himself in a room with Washington, Roosevelt and Lincoln.
"What can I do to be a better president?" he asked.
Washington replied, "Be honest."
Roosevelt replied, "Put the American people back to work."
Lincoln said, "Go see a play."

If two potato's were standing on a street corner, would you be able to tell which one was the hooker?

She's the one with the sticker that say's "IDAHO".

DHS won't be caught with its pants down by Avian Flu

EWM - (November 5, 2005) In the wake of its botched hurricane response, the Department of Homeland Security is under enormous pressure to avoid being caught with its pants down by the Avian Flu and has launched "Operation Choke the Chicken," an aggressive campaign designed to beat the virus.

But not everybody is crowing about the plan. Civil libertarians are outraged about DHS' intention to profile birds suspected of plotting to spread the H5N1 flu strain while living undetected in "sleeper coops." Detainees will be transferred to undisclosed locations without access to counsel and will be interrogated as "avian combatants."

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff insisted that provisions of the expanded Patriot Act allowed for the "extra-constitutional" measures and scoffed at concerns over the treatment of prisoners. "The idea that birds should be treated `humanely' is patently absurd and I believe contrary to scripture," said Chertoff. "Bottom line is if those little peckerheads value their feathers, they better chirp about where their buddies are and what they're plotting."

Chertoff, whose resemblance to the cartoon character Road Runner has earned him the nickname "Beep-Beep" from President Bush, said some of his best friends are birds and they would "get over" their harsh treatment. "Look, we've been walking all over peoples' privacy and free speech rights for several years now and nobody has raised much of a fuss. I find it hard to believe that anybody is going to give a bat's ass about this."

DHS officials are particularly concerned about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and keeping track of turkeys that will be traveling to millions of kitchens across the country. In an effort to increase security, the Minutemen volunteer group that has been patrolling the U.S. southern border will surround Alabama with orders to shoot turkeys attempting to leave the state unless they have been admitted into the "guest gobbler" program.

In related news, President Bush was whisked from the podium today after demonstrating an acute misunderstanding of the issue and appearing to taunt the flu.

"We've got to stop this before it spreads from Avians to birds and from birds to humans and minorities. But I'll tell you what, I know there are some birds who feel like that the conditions are such that they can attack us here. My answer is bring them on," said Bush.

At that point, the President's microphone was abruptly cut off and Secret Service Agents escorted the clearly bewildered Bush away from the media. Press Secretary Scott McClellan later explained "we don't comment on ongoing operations, and, around here, choking the chicken is a full-time operation."

Q. What do Whitney Houston and Laura Bush have in common?
A. They both like to blow a little dope.

Sounds like something you may be an expert on, Gunnar.

And you would be expert on white robes and burning crosses, Heath? I know you are quite slow, but this is the JOKE of the Day topic. Please move your rants to some whiney-boy thread in the political forum.

Geesh, some people's inability to understand a few simple rules about discussion boards...

Oh, and I suppose I should provide today's JOKE of the day:
______________________________________________________________

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."

Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say Father, please."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Brydie Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."

"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed, Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own ****ing blanket!"

After a brief moment of silence, he farted......

In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook 165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.

"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired -- but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer), I went about filling in the repair order.

Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh.' I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from its compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen, (kind of like what a puddle of soapy water would look like -- oily and colorful). I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored.

My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.

Tipping the machine on it's side, I watched more fluid run out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow' effect had been caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery liquid.' I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the PowerBook.
The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the motherboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer an opinion. We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?"

As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he *did* have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere. I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company.

In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded to a 180c. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers." I checked in with the customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked if he'd managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit.

"Delicious." he said.

Richard: Your story's just a hare over board, don't you think?

Yes... it is pretty bunny.

What does Snoop Doggy Dog use to do his laundry?

BBBLLEEEOOOCCCHHH!!!

Joke of the Day:

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia. It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.

One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales. Now when he wants to sleep, he just looks at her picture.

Miguel has known from his childhood that to see Esta is to sleep.


Bonus Joke:

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population.

A committee of residents finally was sent to see a wizard to see what could be done about the witch. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often refer to "Mean Green Witch Time."

Dale Evans bought Roy Rogers a beautiful new pair of books for his birthday. The first time he wore them they got muddy and Roy left them outside to dry. In the morning when he went to retrieve them they were gone and a set of mountain lion tracks led away from the site. Roy pulled on his old boots, saddled Trigger and sat off in persuit of the felonious feline. It wasn't much trouble to follow the tracks and Roy quickly dispatched the lion with a single shot from his silver plated colt, threw the beast over the saddle and headed back to the ranch. Dale was thrilled as Roy rode into view. She could be heard singing as he came into earshot, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

BOOTS maybe... not books

Might want to watch it, Richard. Gunnar might have a hissy fit about you posting something other than a joke in this forum.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...
I've just realized I was playing you the bee side!"

Once upon a time in the old West as a stagecoach thundered across the prairie, a cowboy rode up on coal-black stallion and began galloping along side the coach. A moment later a riderless bay mare raced up on other side and began pacing the stage.

Spurring his mount even with the passenger compartment, the cowboy leaned over, opened the door, and jumped off the black into the stagecoach. He passed through coach, opened the opposite door, and jumped onto the bay.

Just before he rode off into the sunset, one of the women passengers called out, "Say Cowboy . . . What was all that about?"

"Nothing much at all Ma'am," the cowboy replied, "It's just a stage I'm going through."

A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the career of the late and great actor John Wayne.

One of the featured items is a pair of yellowy-brownish colored gravestones bearing his name, date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies.

The museum has decided to call the exhibit, ... "The Amber Graves of Wayne."

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Say barkeep . . . Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "Why cowboy they've gone to watch the hangin'."

"A Hangin'! Why who're they hangin' today?", the cowboy asked.

"Ol' Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"And what the heck kind of a name is Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "It's this way . . . he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Well that's sure enough odd," said the cowboy. "And what are they hangin' him for?
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Rustlin' " said the bartender.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington,
D.C. this year!

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply
have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the
Nation's capitol.

There was no problem however, finding enough asses
to fill the stable.

Democracy: a form of government by the people in which everybody knows how things should be handled except those elected to do the job.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon is a.
Gorge Bush.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, why the long face."

Big groans all around. I can hear them from here.

Ok...another groaner...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here!"

These jokes really have sucked as of late. Problem is, all the ones I have heard recently violate this site's code of conduct, thus I can't post them here (I do admit I pushed the limit with the Whitney/Shrub one). There have been some dandies regarding the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders.

What if we went with punch lines or references.

ie: "Oh, sorry, I thought you said 10" pianist."

Nah, that sucks, only the people that know the joke would laugh but probably wouldn't because they knew it to begin with.

I didn't say it was a good idea.

I have heard some good joke about the eagles.

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery.

With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect.

"I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue." The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants,"I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"

All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer.

The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.

Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home.

"Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled.

"Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican. "Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.

"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.

"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, 'halo? statue?"

I heard Kenny Youngland tell that joke at the MC Sales Yard when I was 10. And it was an Italian not a Mexican. It IS still a classic!

This really isn't a joke, and I am not trying to poke fun at anyone, but after reading in another thread about spelling, I just had to share this with everyone. It is really weird and kind of cool.


Can you read this?

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

"The Amazing Claud - Mesmerizes Local Audience"
By Tom Twain, editor and staff reporter
THE (South County) WEEKLY JOURNAL AND PENNY SHOPPER
December 28, 2005

By all accounts it was to be the show of the century - the biggest thing to hit town since the 1926 Twister that leveled Old Man Henley's hen house. Photos of said disaster can be viewed at the Poultry Place next door the Smith Bakery & Welding Shop.

It was to be the culmination of months of joint planning by the Rotarians, the Odd Fellows, and the Greater Inward Empire Civic Boosters Club. It was to be the show that would put our fair town on the map.

For the first time ever The Amazing Claud, the foremost hypnotist west of the county line, was to be the opening act for the Annual Community Cake Walk, Car Wash, Talent Show, & Holiday Extravaganza at the Senior Center & Feed Depot.

By all accounts, The Amazing Claud was to be just that - Amazing! Almost as amazing as the always low prices at Carl's Supermart.

From such sources as the 'Three Corners Entertainment Digest' and "ShowBits Weekly' this reporter learned that The Amazing Claud had WoWed audiences across the county with his astounding feats of mesmerism. So great was the promise of The Amazing Cloud's mesemerific act that the Greater Inward Empire Civic Boosters Club borrowed extra folding chairs from Grumble's Funeral Parlor & Latte Bar (daily specials-everyday except Sunday) - the plush, red velour chairs - to seat the anticipated overflow crowd.

And so it was that last Friday, this reporter and the entire population of our fair town - - with the exception of Mrs. Tyler, who was down with a spell of that affliction that only Dr. Beam seems able to treat, and Charlie Frick, who volunteered to man the 911 line at the fire station - - lined up at the Senior Center & Feed Depot to see The Amazing Claud.

As the curtain rose at the Senior Center & Feed Depot that fateful Friday night, The Amazing Claud strode on stage, and boldly announced. "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people on stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

I for one was stunned by the magnitude of The Amazing Cloud's pronouncement - who wouldn't be? It was simply astounding, almost as astounding as the inventory at Wilma's Bait & Bite Shop down by the slough.

Never before had center the Senior Center & Feed Depot witnessed such entertainment fare. Never in the entire history of the Annual Community CakeWalk, Car Wash, Talent Show, & Holiday Extravaganza had we been promised such pleasurable amusement and entertainment. This promised to make last year's headline act, Betty Wighams' dancing pigeon, look like small beer.

The excitement was almost electric - don't forget the weekly special at Ernie's Electrolysis Emporium, two for one treatments if you bring a friend. Yes indeed, you could have cut the tension in the air with a Biswell boning knife - available at June's Hardware and Tanning Salon - when The Amazing Claud took to the stage. Immediately, The Amazing Claud withdrew from his vest pocket a beautiful antique pocket watch from his vest pocket and cried out. "I want you each and everyone of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." It did in fact look to be a special watch, much like the quality timepieces available at Jensen's Jewels & Jiffy Lube at the corner of First and Main.

Slowly The Amazing Claud began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly, calmly, and soothingly commanding the audience to "Watch the watch . . . watch the watch . . . watch the watch . . . keep your eyes on the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly - - - - - the watch slipped from The Amazing Claud's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

Looking down at the scattered remains of his priceless family heirloom, The Amazing Claud cried out: "Oh Crap!"

It was then that tragedy struck our fair town.

Lew Pasteur, county sanitation officer, and Bob Soakwell, proprietor of Soakwell's Septic Suckers & Fertilizer Supply, have reported that it should be safe to reopen the Senior Center & Feed Depot in time for the Annual Junior Prom & Alfalfa Seed Fair this coming April. Grumble's Funeral Parlor & Latte Bar announced that, if their insurer pays off, they soon would have new chairs gracing their establishment, chairs with plusher velour than ever before. Don's Drugs & Fine Liquors reports that they've gotten in a new shipment of Pepto-Bismo for those who are still in need. The Lucky Lady Laundromat & Casino reports that things have slowed down and there are machines now available. The Rotarians, the Odd Fellows, and the Greater Inward Empire Civic Boosters Club have proclaimed that the show must go on - that next year's Annual Community CakeWalk, Car Wash, Talent Show, & Holiday Extravaganza will be a real doozy.

As for The Amazing Claud, despite what the critics our fair town might say - - especially those know-it-alls over at the county seat who seem to believe that we should be the butt of every joke in the book - - we bear no ill-will toward the man, this despite the injuries he suffered in the aftermath of his performance.

It was after all a priceless family heirloom . . . it was after all a simple slip of the tongue. And this reporter for one is extremely grateful than The Amazing Claud did not cry out "F_ _ _!" when his watch hit the floor.

Did you see the Christmas Card sent out by Michael Brown, the former Director of FEMA?

http://www.geocities.com/..._Card.html

A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.

The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.

"Has she ever had a rope on her"?

"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!"

The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"

"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Joke:

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.

The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there.

I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee's jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men aboard, wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys! One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in Red Sox shirts beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know much about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"

There was a man named Bubba, and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!

Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.

But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, George Bush! You don't know President George Bush!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! George and I were on the debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!"

So they fly to Washington and they catch-up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Bush's eye and waves "George!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned -- he can't believe it.

But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the USA spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick, so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!"

Bubba says "The Pope? The Pope BAPTISED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of people. They try working their way through the crowd -- without much luck. So, Bubba says "Boss, were never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what -- I'll work my way up to where the Pope is, and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.

Well, Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.

Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" When his boss comes to, he asks: "Boss, what happened?"

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see George Bush... heck, I can even believe the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there on the balcony with Bubba?' -- that's more than I can take!"

IF THEY WROTE CHILDREN'S BOOKS ABOUT THE INTERNET

"One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Screen of Death"

"The Blog of Anne Frank"

"How the Grinch Stole Your Credit Card Information"

"Green Eggs and Spam"

"The Little Search Engine That Could"

"Curious George and Parental Controls"

"Horton Hears A Hacker"

"Charlotte's Web"

"Frog and Toad Are Dot Com Startups"

"Where the Wild Viruses Are"

"Mary Pop Uppins"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Joke:

Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).

Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.

Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.

1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.

2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.

3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.

4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.

5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.

6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.

7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.

8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.

9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.

10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.

11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.

12. Plug monitor in.

13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.

14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.

15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.

16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.

17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know."

"That would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

A man had a furniture store specializing in ornate baroque style antiques. He had a terrible cold, but was at his store working anyway.

He was sitting in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks VapoRub on his aching chest when he, quite by accident, got some on the chair. This proved serendipitous, as he discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine.

He immediately told several other furniture store owner friends.

Soon after, he got reports that the Vicks treatment had not only failed to work on their more modern furniture, but it even ruined some of them! Needless to say, he is not very unpopular with those friends now.

He did learn an important lesson, however ... if it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.

A DELTA FLIGHT IS ON ITS WAY FROM LOS ANGELES TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. AFTER INSPECTING THE TICKET THE STEWARDESS TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

TO THIS THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES UP TO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. HEARING THIS, THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE CABIN, FINDS THE BLONDE AND EXPLAINS TO HER THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR AN ECONOMY SEAT, SHE WILL HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY LEAVE FIRST CLASS AND RETURN TO HER ASSIGNED SEAT.

NOT WANTING TO ACCEPT HIS ADVISE THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE COPILOT RETURNS TO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE THE POLICE STANDING BY WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO REFUSES LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE'S A BLONDE?? I'LL HANDLE THIS ONE... I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE... I'VE LEARNED HOW TO SPEAK BLONDE FLUENTLY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS SOFTLY IN HER EAR, AND BLUSHING EVER SO SLIGHTLY SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY... "AND PROMPTLY GETS UP AND RETURNS BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY CLASS.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE SHOCKED AND ASKED THE PILOT WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAID TO MAKE THE LADY MOVE WITHOUT ANY MORE FUSS. SIMPLE, I TOLD HER THAT, "FIRST CLASS WASN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".

Here's a good laugh...This text I got directly from the IRS's publication 525 which outlines other sources of income that have to be reported on income tax returns:

"Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income"

and

"Illegal income. Illegal income, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity"

I about died laughing when I saw this.

They probably catch way more people than they should that way.

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well. . ." stammers the tramp, ". . . uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash - I only have one-hundred dollars on me - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why one-hundred dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"One-hundred dollars," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Umm . . ., which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to one-hundred dollars," replies the tramp.

"ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for one-hundred dollars," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs one-hundred dollars."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on. . .

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing. . . Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen. . .

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived. . .

. . . and what a dive. . .!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen. . ." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie-talkie. And the tramp began to climb. . .

up and up. . .

below him the ship grew smaller. . .

on and on. . .

past a solitary albatross. . .

and still higher. . .

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below. . .

and on still further. . .

till the ocean grew dim. . .

and the earth itself. . .

began to shrink. . .

past our moon. . .

and on. . .

and Mars. . .

and on. . .

higher, and higher. . .

through the asteroid belt. . .

and on and on towards the diving board. . .

past the outer planets, until. . .

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System. . .

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain. . .

and then. . .

he jumped.
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
Slowly at first,

but speeding up,

faster, and faster,

speeding past Pluto,

and the other outer planets,

through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove. . .

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN. . .!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL. . . . . . . . . .

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desp

DUI Wyoming Style
Only a Wyomingite could think of this .... from the county where
drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Baggs,Wyo. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the manover and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The Gold Urinal

Just before the 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to an orientation tour of the White House by President Clinton. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled , and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Funny stuff..!

A rugged cowpoke from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

Gunnar,

You get the award for the best joke. That was Hilarius!!!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
turned to him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...............I'm a gynecologist."
>> > That's when the proctologist fainted.

Making the rounds at the Federal Courthouse in Houston



One afternoon Ken Lay was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed at the sight . . he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," Lay said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They're over there, under that tree. "

"Bring them along," Lay replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, the more the merrier," Lay answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Lay, and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Lay replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing, and ask: "Well, what do you think?"

So the computer engineer says,...

"Ummm - how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

Troy's all excited about his new rifle. So he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex."

Troy bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Troy heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.

The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Troy bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says,...

"Hey, pal, you're not really coming up here for the hunting, are you?"

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover.

You're in America now.

Speak Spanish."

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be
quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I
swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started
itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pants legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

. . . . Well, I guess I just panicked......


[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr (edited 5/9/2006).]

http://www.geocities.com/...kie-1a.jpg

Why don't snakes have balls?






Because most of them can't dance.

What do you call a North Dakotan with 2 sheep?

A bigamist.


What do you call a North Dakotan with 200 girlfriends?

A shepherd.


Why are Austrailian Shepherds in North Dakota so quick on their feet?

They've seen what happens to slow sheep.


Why don't North Dakotan men count sheep to fall asleep?

They want to fall asleep, not have a wet dream.


What do you call a North Dakotan with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

A bisexual.

A man parked his car in front of the of main entrance of the Capitol, just as the Congress was about to adjourn for the year. "Hey Mister!" yelled a security guard, "You can't park there--all the Congressmen are about to come out!"

"That's okay," the man replied, "I have The Club."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An out-of-work historian was so desperate for money that he decided to go door-to-door asking people if they needed any painting done. At the first house he came to he rang the doorbell and asked the man who came to the door, "Excuse me sir, but I was wondering if you needed anything painted?"

The man said, "This is incredible timing. I was just about to paint my porch out back."

"I'm your man!" shouted the historian.

"I've already washed the porch, there's a gallon of white paint and some brushes in the back, so you can start right away," said the happy homeowner.

Three hours later and the historian finished the job. As he was collecting his money he said to the homeowner, "I did a terrific job! Every inch is painted snow white. And by the way, it's a Ferrari not a Porsche."

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, " No I really think librarians are best:
everthing inside them are in alphabetical order."

The Third surgeon says, "Yeah, but you should try a electrician.
Everything inside them is color coded."

The forth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.....
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiet to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Raising Boys
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding) - from an anonymous Mother in Cutbank, Montana.



1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.



2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
2-A. The fire department in Cutbank, Montana, has a 5-minute response time.



3. A four-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
4-A. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.



5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
5-A. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
5-B. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
5-C. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



6. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late



7. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
7-A. The fire department in Cutbank, Montana, has a very efficient and professional hazardous materials response team.



8. A six-year old boy can start a fire by striking two flint rocks together even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
7-A. The fire department in Cutbank, Montana, didn't used to believe that a six-year old boy could start a fire by striking two flint rocks together.



9. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.



10. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
10-A. The fire department in Cutbank, Montana, can shave a couple vital minutes off their response time, once they've been to your house a few times.



11. Super glue is forever.



12. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12-A. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



13. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.



14. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.



15. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.



17. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.



18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
18-A. The fire department in Cutbank, Montana, has been known to offer to set up a sub-station in the driveway at some residences.



19. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
19-A. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
19-B. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.



20. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
18-A. Don't believe me? Just ask the fire department in Cutbank, Montana.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Type it out," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I typed it out: ID10T

I used to like Harold, the computer guy.

Two hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck one hunter asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Bwaaahaahahahaha! Excellent, Russell!

"Is dat yer moose der in da wood chipper?"

Sven and Ole, two guys from Minot, Nordakota, went duck hunting for the first time ever in their lives this fall. Their more experienced friends had told them that using a dog was the key to a successful duck hunt.

So Sven and Ole borrowed a trained retriever from a friend and stood in the duck-blind for hours on end . . . the sky was full of ducks . . . but the boys simply had no luck bringing any down.

Finally, Sven turned to his partner and said, "By golly Ole, I don't think we're throwing dis here dog high enough."

The 2 biggest Minnesota Viking fans of all time (because they are from Minnesota and not North Dakota), Ole' and Sven, were of coarse, up to no good again! They went over to Wisconsin to try and sabotage the Packer's lockeroom so they would get trapped in there and couldn't make it to the big game on Sunday. Well as it turned out, their plan failed and both of the pranksters suffocated to death while getting stuck crawling through the duct work. Ole' and Sven went up to the pearly gates to try and gain admission. St. Peter just looked at these two and said,"Don't even think about it you two! I've been hearing about your shinanigans and pranks for years now, and quite frankly, I've been waiting a long time for this moment." Ole' and Sven were puzzled by St. Peters outburst but soon found themselves in a very unpleasant place called hell. The devil approached them and told them to shovel 15 tons of coal into the blast furnace, in 8 hours or they would be in big trouble. So they did it. 8 hours later the 2 pranksters were relaxing on the coal pile when the devil came back. "Well how do you 2 pranksters like hell?" Ole' and Sven said," Vell, it wasn't too a tougha job eh'! The temperature isa bout right. It feels a like Minnesota in a June don't ya know." This made the Devil very angry, so he turned up the furnace and gave them another 8 hours to shovel 20 tons of coal into it. 8 hours went by and the Devil came back to see Ole' and Sven sitting down again."Well now how do you 2 like hell?" The Devil screamed!"The heat does still not bother you 2?" Ole' and Sven said,"Vell, It a feels like a Minnesota in July or maybe even August for sure eh'." The devil became so outraged at these 2 pranksters that he was bound and determined to show them a thing or 2! The devil shut the furnaces off completely, and opened a cavern that led straight to the north pole. The Devil told them they had 8 hours to shovel the 40 Tons of snow that came blowing in. The temperature soon fell to -60 below zero! 8 hours went by and the Devil came back. Ole' and Sven were reclining in their homemade igloos. The Devil could not believe this at all. He asked the 2 how they liked it in hell now! Ole' and Sven said that it felt just like January in Minnesota. They also asked the Devil what the score of the game was? The Devil was bewildered."Why do you ask this?" "Well," said Ole' and Sven,"De Vikings must'uv surely a wun dat dare Super a Bowl, seein' as how dis a here place is frozed over now!

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

What church demonination was Ted Haggard?

METH-odist

Q: What's the difference between Conrad Burns and a sack of horse manure?

A: The sack.

(as told by the Big Dry Bug)

Hey deer slayer, You stole my Ted Haggard joke. Of course, I stole it from Michael Savage.

[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr (edited 11/7/2006).]

Why won't the BigDryBug speak for himself? Did he join the Sod Buster in MCNeverland?

I read this forum for the jokes...thus the title..joke of the day. Please stick with putting just jokes in this forum.

Rick KKK

Once upon a time a man asked a lady to marry him,
She said "No",
And he lived happily ever after.

Letter to complaint dept.

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 101 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner-Dancing 7.5, Cruise-Ship 2.3, and Opera-Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker-Night 1.3, Saturday-Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter-Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run Diaper-Changing 14.1 or House-Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

Jane
**********************************
Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce-Child Support".

You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart-Break 1.3

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes-Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers-Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,Beer 6.0 Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only 9.4 and 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"

http://www.cartoonwork.co...ugplan.htm

[This message has been edited by Hal Neumann (edited 11/9/2006).]

The production and sale of special shoes for athletes has become a multi-billion dollar industry with firms such as Nike and Rebock continually coming out with new innovations to increase their shares of the market.

No longer is your choice limited to shoes for tennis, bowling or football. Now their are special shoes for sports such as rugby and squash, events such as pole vaulting and free exercise, and shoes for special conditions such as mud or artificial turf. There are even shoes to give you a special advantage, such as basketball shoes pumped up with air to allow basketball players to jump higher.

In anticipation of the coming summer Olympics, Nike was the first to announce its new line of shoes made especially for athletes planning to compete in the track events. The shoes will not only be made of a new, very light but durable synthetic material, but will have a tiny Intel Pentium chip imbedded in the shoes to record every time and distance run.

A major advertising campaign will start later this month promoting the new racing shoes. Every ad will feature Nike's new slogan, ...

"These are the soles that time men's tries."

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display in the window; he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems.

The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because. he'll get verse before he gets butter!


***

Once a year the collectors of antique tents in Meinz, Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz.

Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs...

The citizens organized themselves in opposition to the rally so thoroughly that they even wrote an anthem for their cause. The anthem began with the following line:

"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"


[This message has been edited by Richard Bonine, Jr (edited 11/11/2006).]

An accident really uncanny
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

When limerick writers convene,
Their reason for making the scene
Is to make tepid jokes,
Meant for church going folks,
Into verses perverse and obscene.

The calligrapher gained his renown
And he turned his whole trade upside down
With a fancy new script
At which somebody quipped,
"Seems we've got a new serif in town!"

The podiatrist used lots of skill
On the aches of a patient named Phil.
But insurance won't pay,
So Phil says with dismay,
"It appears I'll be footing the bill."

Is there food in that box? Not a dab in it.
But there was till the kids started grabbin' it.
No I don't run a tight house;
It's just like the White House;
There simply ain't much in the cabinet.

The garbage men made a proposal.
The client agreed, saying, "Those'll
Be the terms for a year."
They replied, "Don't you fear.
We are always at your disposal."

The cane, as I'm sure you must know,
Is the source of most sugar we grow.
Though it's resource-expensive
And labor-intensive,
Beet's the alternative, though.

In Kentucky the Reverend Gelt
Preaches sermons that everyone felt.
You can tell at a glance
What holds up his pants.
It's the famous, well known Bible Belt.