I recently had a family mamber pass away unexpectedly. Coukld someone please tell me why my family is acting like a bunch of idiots, at eachothers throat. I lost someone near and dear to me and they can't stop arguing. Christ people, cut the crap and lets mourn the one we just lost. Could someone please elaborate on this for me, s i'm driving myself nuts trying to figure it out.

Death brings out the best - and the worst - in people, Amber. If members of your family are causing you stress, ignore them. I know that's an easier thing to say than to do, but they're small-minded bickering isn't worth any magnification of the pain you're feeling.

Gravitate toward those who help you feel better. Push away those who don't.

I hope that things get better for you soon. My condolences to you in regard to your loss.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

My first impulse is to go let each and everyone of them know how dumb they are being at this time

If doing so makes you feel better, go for it. If doing what your departed family member would do would make you feel better, you could do that, as well.

If the two things happen to be one and the same, well, there you go.

Another thought: What I did when my grandfather recently passed away was to write an obituary for him. He didn't want an obit, but it helped me put my varied feelings into words. It was a very cathartic experience. If this is something you feel comfortable doing, that might be something you can try.

[This message has been edited by Brian A. Reed (10/13/2009)]

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This isn't the place, Heath.

Amber,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. Unfortunately when death occurs in a family some people use it as an excuse for bad behavior. When my grandparents died within six months of each other my aunts and uncle all turned weird and started fighting with my mom because she was executor of the estate. It was all about MONEY and CONTROL.

Other reasons could be that your family members aren't comfortable dealing with emotions and feelings. As human beings we can only feel one emotion at a time. So perhaps it's easier for them to feel anger than grief.

I do agree with Brian in that you need to do what you need for you right now. I've lost a lot of people that I loved dearly. No one else felt those losses the same way I felt them. No one else knew how I felt. They had their own grief to deal with. So I found friends who would just be with me. Positive support. Other times I simply preferred to be alone.

I'm sure once things settle down there will be some who feel like asses for how they've been acting. Others won't remember. Don't jump into the fray and become one of them by saying things you may regret later.
And don't let their behavior cause you anymore grief right now. Keep your focus where it should be. You sound like a wonderful person and I wish you peace in this hard time.

As much as it may feel good at the time, fight the urge to let them know how their behavior upsets you, and what it makes you think of them. I have seen the exact same behavior every time someone has died in my family, and each time I can't believe I even know those people, much less are related to them There must be some psychological explanation, but danged if I know what it is!
We had an uncle die when I was a kid. This guy was handicapped, but able to live on his own and worked hard as a handyman all his life. He lived in an honest to God, "tar papered shack" with only the remains of dishes left by his parents. After his funeral, several aunts and cousins who had nothing to do with him during his life, fought like cats and dogs over the worn out "antiques" in his house. I was only 10, but disgusted all the same...

Within my circle of family and friends, we have a rule when we lose a loved one. There is a month of freebies. No one will be held responsible for their words for 1 month. The death of a loved one is gut wrenching to say the least, and we are all susceptible to saying stupid or harmful things. After my brother passed away 9 weeks ago, there was several tense moments within the circle, but we all knew the rule, and nobody took anything that was said personal. I think this rule gives a family some time to start the recovery process, while still being able to speak your mind. Obviously you can't use this time to be a complete ass, because people will see right thru that nonsense.
We never know how the death of a loved one will affect us, or those around us, until it happens to us. There is no manual for this tragic time in your life. We can only wade thru it, and hope we come out sane at the end of the ordeal. It is not easy.
I am truly sorry for your loss.

I like Brians idea of writing an Obit even if you don't read it to anyone..it puts things into perspective...Will remember that...thanks Brian...

So sorry for your loss Amber and for what's going on in your family right now. I agree with what everyone has said on here, don't react to what's going on...just ride it out. I think in most families there's a degree of burying conflicts and criticisms in the effort to keep a "happy" family. When something traumatic happens and everyone is under stress, then these buried little hurts tend to surface. A lot of what they're fighting about may really just be a lot of unsaid hurt from another time. It's hard to watch because it makes you feel like your whole family may disintegrate as well as the actual loss!! Hopefully your family will settle down as people start to adjust to the loss. If not, take heart Amber, it speaks volumes about you that you can see that this isn't the way to handle things!
btw...nice to see mc.com rising to the occasion with some really heartfelt comments!

The stages of grief always include anger. Anger that the loved one left. Anger that the doctors failed. Anger that those left behind never had a chance to apologize or say those last words. Anger, in other words, is absolutely normal. Not pleasant, but normal, and often used to cover up the sorrow because we are more used to handling anger.

Amber, I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief differently and it is amazing what a death in the family can do to relationships. But what Brian says is great: Stay close to those who make you feel better and deal as little as possible with those who don't. Take the high road when it comes to expressing your anger with the idiots. It might temporarily make you feel good but you may regret it later once emotions have calmed.

I hate to be cynical(actually I don't hate to be cynical) but no one has mentioned money. Fire away, everybody.

I mentioned in my post that in my family it was all about MONEY and CONTROL. I think that's what happens in a lot of families. Everyone is juggling for position. It's sad that a person's will and last requests can't simply be honored without arguments and hurt feelings.

Please accept my deepest condolances at your lose.
My sister and brother-in-law were killed in the same car accident. They were placed for viewing at about 3 in the afternoon, and we know that most of the people who visited between that time and the next morning were family members. When I went in, the next morning, to arrange flowers, I noticed that my sister's hands had been moved. When I looked a little closer I realized that someone had stolen her wedding rings, and had rearranged her hands so that her right hand was covering her left, so that the theft wouldn't be immediatly obvious. She had a nice diamond wedding set, but it wasn't worth a great deal of money, so who ever took them probably didn't do it for the monatary value. It almost had to be someone in our family, and I have NEVER been more ashamed.
After watching the bickering, when their estate was settled, I began to understand, exactly, how petty people can become. Your situation is not unique, and I wish I had an answer that could help, but I don't, and I don't think anybody does either. You do have all of my sympathy, and I hope that eventually your heart and mind will find peace.
Kelly

Thanks to all of you that have responded to my post. This is just a trying time and it just amazes me how awfull people can be towards their family in a time of sorrow.

Hurt people often hurt people. Let it all go as much as possible.

I am so sorry for your loss. One is never ready to experience that.

When my parents died, I flew home to their home town, where my sister also lived, only to find that my sister had put most of the household items in storage. My mom, years ago, had taken us through the house to ask us what we wanted when they were gone and then made a handwritten list (morbid, eh?). Was I mad when I didn't get some of those items? Hell, yes. But not because of the monetary value -- it wasn't that much. But I was mad because my mom's wishes were dismissed as if she didn't even matter.

You might want to consider writing letters, like mentioned with an obit, (not sending them) to the family members who you are hurt most by their behavior. It will provide you with a safe outlet to say what you want to without being drawn into the mayhem, and release you of the added burden of more anger and frustration than you already are experiencing.

My heart is with you. *HUGZ*