http://milescity.com/forums/posts/?fid=24 Posts from the MilesCity.com Humor, Jokes & Games Discussion Forum en-us Copyright © 1998-2010 MilesCity.com. All Rights Reserved. webmaster@milescity.com Thu, 23 May 2013 09:51:19 UTC 10 Hand-coded goodness http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/304032/#304047Richardisms: Richard ism getting better all the time.Gene LarsonMon, 20 May 2013 15:32:46 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/304032/#304047http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/304032/Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake Given the old adage “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, “the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 365.25 days: 1 unicycle 2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 52 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 10 monologs: 5 dialogues 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2 wharves: 1 paradox 100 Senators: Not 1 decision 2 baby sitters: 1 gramma grampa 4 lawyers: 2 paralegals 2 untruths: 1 paralyze 33.8 oz. of a soft drink case: 1 liter of the pack 1 first date: 1 peck The pico-deliter: A measure of sibling rivalry. The serling-rod:The distance between light and shadow, between science and superstition, between a man’s fears and his knowledge — which turns out to be 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone. The slug: A measure of the disgustingness of something stepped on in bare feet. The godiva: Just a hair over nothing. The overpeso: The excess amount you spend on vacation purchases because you don’t understand the currency. Knot-furlong: The amount of time Gary Hart’s candidacy lasted after that trip to Bimini on the Monkey Business. The armstrong: One small step. The kant-fathom: A philosophical depth just over one’s head. The dynapere: A measure of failure in stand-up comedy. The ohman: The amount of resistance a husband produces when asked to do just one more little thing. The pushel: The amount of zucchini your neighbors try to give you after they planted 14 hills. The family joule: The minimum sperm energy needed to produce a child. The beltsize: A measure of time spent at an all-you-can-eat buffet.Richard Bonine, Jr.Mon, 20 May 2013 04:48:18 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/304032/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/302517/:D http://assets.amuniversal.com/4051a5008ea201303007001dd8b71c47?width=450.0Richard Bonine, Jr.Sun, 5 May 2013 13:55:19 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/302517/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298833/#302389http://sphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/428416_543770279009315_1299594317_n.jpgGunnar EmilssonSat, 4 May 2013 16:00:00 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298833/#302389http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#302091http://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/944488_10151553472098954_1182546002_n.jpgGunnar EmilssonThu, 2 May 2013 15:42:22 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#302091http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295495/#301513https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7323090944/hEC7B4443/Gunnar EmilssonSat, 27 Apr 2013 18:10:20 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295495/#301513http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#301262https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/59639_520090901380439_277769021_n.jpgGunnar EmilssonThu, 25 Apr 2013 14:52:11 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#301262http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/301031/#301098Excellent, Richard. I hope you had a nice birthday.Elizabeth EmilssonWed, 24 Apr 2013 15:30:21 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/301031/#301098http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/301031/the dominant population was obsessed with dental hygiene. Partly owing, of course, to the fact that they had three complete receding sets of mandibles. (a-la Alien!) They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth that the custom was to floss one's choppers several times a day. To achieve this goal, they grew a "Floss Plant" from which the fibers were extracted to make the necessary product. Being a scientifically advanced species, especially in the area of genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using their own genetic print as a starting point, ie., clones. These clones were specifically designed to harvest the plants and were deficient in other areas such as intelligence. As long as they were supervised, they did a good job but left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off. No doubt, you are familiar with their well worn expression: "A strolling Clone gathers no Floss." Richard Bonine, Jr.Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:28:20 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/301031/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/300359/#300371My math instructor told it this way: A young brave wished to marry and needed to steal some horses for the purchase price. He finally accomplished this and they made of tepee of deer hides. His wife bore him one son. As he became more skilled at acquiring horses he was able to marry another wife with another tepee and she bore him a son. Shortly, coal and oil were discovered on the land with the wealth that goes with it. The young brave decided he would marry a third wife but she would live in a tepee of hippopotamus hide. And she bore him twin sons. This leaves us with the Pythagorean theorem (of sorts): the sum of the sons of the squaw (forgive me Native Am.s) of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. [This message has been edited by Bill Zook (4/18/2013)] [This message has been edited by Bill Zook (4/18/2013)] [This message has been edited by Bill Zook (4/18/2013)]Bill ZookThu, 18 Apr 2013 20:35:29 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/300359/#300371http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/300359/A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made. Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe. As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner. The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said… “The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”Richard Bonine, Jr.Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:19:58 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/300359/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/299913/http://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/320025_643323249030465_1503426799_n.jpgGunnar EmilssonMon, 15 Apr 2013 15:09:38 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/299913/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299817PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—North Korea’s official news agency announced today that the military’s planned missile test had been put on hold because of “problems with Windows 8.” Intelligence analysts said that the announcement gave rare insight into the inner workings of North Korea’s missile program, which until last year had been running on Windows 95. The announcement from the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) did not indicate a new scheduled time for a missile test, saying only that it was “working with Windows 8 support to resolve the issue.” In the words of one intelligence analyst, “That means the test has been delayed indefinitely.” A source close to the North Korean regime reported that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is furious about the Windows 8 problems and is considering a number of options, including declaring war on Microsoft.Gunnar EmilssonSun, 14 Apr 2013 19:39:27 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299817http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299150https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/547709_604943086201824_647591208_n.pngGunnar EmilssonTue, 9 Apr 2013 14:33:08 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299150http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299138[quote]Dammed "mobile device" - I'm not cut out to communicate with my thumbs.[/quote] Here known forever after as the Ebert gene. :)Richard Bonine, Jr.Tue, 9 Apr 2013 12:45:13 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299138http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299124 [This message has been edited by Steven Dey (4/8/2013)]Steven DeyTue, 9 Apr 2013 05:31:44 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299124http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299116Internet comics sure get a lot of mileage out of that one photo. :)Gunnar EmilssonTue, 9 Apr 2013 04:04:29 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299116http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299109Http://i221.photobucket.com/albums/dd40/Neander97/Motis/launch2_zps3dc4a0.jpg Dammed "mobile device" - I'm not cut out to communicate with my thumbs. [This message has been edited by Hal Neumann (4/8/2013)]Hal NeumannTue, 9 Apr 2013 01:41:03 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299109http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299099http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/63574_4748383148419_1157761063_n.jpgJohn MorfordMon, 8 Apr 2013 23:36:33 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299099http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299096http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/388593_10151531789463360_1499689496_n.jpgGunnar EmilssonMon, 8 Apr 2013 23:24:46 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/295164/#299096http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/#299045Speaking of the tin-hat crowd.... [This message has been edited by Bob Netherton II (4/8/2013)]Bob Netherton IIMon, 8 Apr 2013 18:16:18 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/#299045http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/#299040Strangely enough,Obama`s cabinet are/were all members of that 4%. But that can be misleading,as with any poll,because a high percentage rate of Obama`s Cabinet members voted several times.Al BordenMon, 8 Apr 2013 17:21:13 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/#299040http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/#299008Thank you, Hal. We are doomed.Elizabeth EmilssonMon, 8 Apr 2013 15:00:33 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/#299008http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/Conspiracy Theory Poll Results Public Policy Polling April 02, 2013 4% of voters say they believe “lizard people” control our societies by gaining political power Oh yeah . . . chemtrails too. http://www.publicpolicypolling.com/main/2013/04/conspiracy-theory-poll-results-.htmlHal NeumannSun, 7 Apr 2013 17:42:21 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298932/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298833/Ty Cobb, after his illustrious baseball career, had a lot of trouble finding work. In desperation, he applied for a position as a chef at a retirement home, even though he was not trained as a chef. Throughout the interview, he was asked several times if he was really a master chef, and he lied each time, feeling more and more guilty about his cowardly deceit. In the end, however, he got the job. The first day of work, he was assigned to make baked brie for his elderly clients. Not knowing a thing about cooking, he threw the cheese in the oven and left it there for two hours while he took a nap. The cheese got all brown, burnt, and inedible, and Ty was awaked by the yelling manager, angrily pointing to the burned lump of cheese. "I thought you said you were a chef!" he shouted. Ty began to stammer. "Oh! I lied sir, I lied! I was just so very scared of being broke and unemployed!" "Well, look what your lies did!" stormed the manager angrily. "Ty, your yellow fibbin' browned the old folks' brie!"Richard Bonine, Jr.Sat, 6 Apr 2013 20:34:36 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298833/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298463/#298596One thumb up. One thumb down.Bob Netherton IIFri, 5 Apr 2013 04:56:26 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298463/#298596http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298547/Q: What is the difference between an accordion and an onion? A: No one cries when you cut up an accordion. :DKellyThu, 4 Apr 2013 23:21:57 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298547/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298463/#298507LOL, RichardhowdyThu, 4 Apr 2013 17:14:04 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298463/#298507http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298463/Some sad news, as the man who created the Thesaurus has died. He’ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.Richard Bonine, Jr.Thu, 4 Apr 2013 12:50:45 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298463/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298233/In the primitive days of the cavemen, the post of Fire Tender was sacred and was entrusted to a society of special women. For the important task of constantly maintaining a fire, these women were selected at an early age, and trained for years. They remained unmarried and dedicated their entire lives to the care and protection of the common hearth with its essential light, warmth and heat for cooking. Through the years, a support network developed within the Sisterhood of Fire Tenders. If a calamitous event occurred and a fire went out, a Sister in distress would send a messenger with a large clay pot to a neighboring village. Her Sister there was bound by oath to send back the elements of a replacement fire. During a severe winter in a cavemen village, the Fire Tender, a Sister named, Mae, woke up early one morning and found, to her horror, that a storm had blown a huge amount of snow in, and completely extinguished the tribal fire! Her nearest Sister, Dee, resided in a neighboring village, some miles away. The quickest way was along a mountain trail. But because of the danger of the ice, snow, slippery rocks and bad weather, the village Elders counseled Mae to send the messenger through the flat wooded terrain -- a much more time consuming and distant approach but safer. Mae was concerned about the dire effect on the village of not having fire for an extended period. Despite the dangers, the messenger would have to use the mountain trail. As Mae told the Elders, "Forest's a long, long time from Mae to Dee's ember." Richard Bonine, Jr.Tue, 2 Apr 2013 12:41:00 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298233/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#298159Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the caesarean section when he successfully roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's uterus.DustinMon, 1 Apr 2013 14:32:47 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#298159http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/#298148I would submit that the whole idea of this commercial wasn't to make people believe that it was real but to get people talking about it and the Pepsi brand. By the looks of it, they nailed that part - in spades!John MorfordMon, 1 Apr 2013 12:55:37 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/#298148http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/#298139http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18hd5ro975ss7jpg/k-bigpic.jpg http://jalopnik.com/that-jeff-gordon-terrifying-a-car-salesman-pepsi-ad-is-453519481David SchottMon, 1 Apr 2013 04:18:58 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/#298139http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/#298133This is a Pepsi commercial.Steve AllisonMon, 1 Apr 2013 03:25:02 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/#298133http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/[youtube]Q5mHPo2yDG8[/youtube]David SchottSun, 31 Mar 2013 17:10:23 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/298089/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#298044Chuck Norris taught a cat to play fetchRichard Bonine, Jr.Sat, 30 Mar 2013 23:56:08 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#298044http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#298017If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you! If you can't see Chuck Norris, you're seconds away from death!Chris GamrathSat, 30 Mar 2013 16:44:38 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#298017http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297981They had to re-name the Virgin Islands after Chuck Norris visited.Jeff DentonSat, 30 Mar 2013 00:58:18 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297981http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297930Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down. [This message has been edited by tom regan (3/29/2013)]tom reganFri, 29 Mar 2013 07:38:02 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297930http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297912Stephen Hawking and Chuck Norris were debating quantum physics, Stephen disagreed with Chuck...... hence the wheelchair.Hugo StiglitzFri, 29 Mar 2013 03:08:50 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297912http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297901If the world was to come to an end.....Chuck Norris would be all alone.JMinowFri, 29 Mar 2013 01:08:07 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297901http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297900Chuck Norris is nothing but a puss! If he is as great as everybody says he is, then he would be here slamming my head into my keyboa..... asccvaknzsiyvuoiszcr08342q7t5cq13 lij132cuhv t150cslknscvl mi908sw4c5252w45cyjx dkj;zdbzc sersc cerwgopuscv nJMinowFri, 29 Mar 2013 01:06:53 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297900http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297887http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/522446_10151823237107564_308920807_n.jpgGunnar EmilssonThu, 28 Mar 2013 22:06:42 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/146459/#297887http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297707/#297715Have a Happy Eater, Richard. I'm glad you are getting back to speed.Elizabeth EmilssonWed, 27 Mar 2013 13:21:04 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297707/#297715http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297707/A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race. The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn’t have the strength to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finiish line. In the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won. Why was the tomato so successful? The tomato paste itself.Richard Bonine, Jr.Wed, 27 Mar 2013 03:39:58 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297707/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297570/Hans Jensen was an electrician as was his father Hans before him and his grandfather Hans before them. Since Hans was the third named Hans Jensen, at first the family thought he should be called "Hans the third," but unfortunately many of the local people were from the "Old Country" and mispronounced his name "Hans da T'ird." And Hans immediately decided that from now on he would be known as the "Little Hans" and his father would be known as "Big Hans." But soon the jokes about the "Big Hans is on the one and the Little Hans is on the ten" and other timely jokes caused him to reconsider this option. Since he was of small stature, he finally decided to be called "Mini Hans." One fine day at the ball park, the grandfather Hans was called upon to replace some of the lights that were burned out, but try as he might he could not remove them. So he called his son Hans to try. He tried and tried, but was also unsuccessful. Finally in desperation they called the grandson Hans. Hans came and with his tiny little hands easily removed and replaced all the burned out bulbs. Which just goes to show: Mini Hans makes lights work.Richard Bonine, Jr.Tue, 26 Mar 2013 02:56:34 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297570/http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297247or, if ignorance is bliss this place would be an airport.Jeff DentonSat, 23 Mar 2013 14:51:22 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297247http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297236If ignorance is bliss, it seems that we just get happier every year.Tucker BoltonSat, 23 Mar 2013 12:30:37 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297236http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297225Amorette, quit posting on Steve's account! :evil:Gunnar EmilssonSat, 23 Mar 2013 03:50:56 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297225http://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297224Of course if you are male, lowing you IQ permanently is called puberty and it works every time with no additional expense or drugs to take.Steve AllisonSat, 23 Mar 2013 03:32:02 UTChttp://milescity.com/forums/posts/view/297071/#297224