World's Worst Joke
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
The subject header says it all - show us what you got.

I know the temptation to get "all political" is going to be all but impossible to resist, but let's see if we hold off on that awhile ;-)
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Posted by Deadeye (+29) 9 years ago
A professor was giving a lecture on "involuntary muscle contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Uh oh . . . There are some good jokes sneaking in here - perhaps I can get us back on track.
= = = = = =


A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"

The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
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Posted by howdy (+4950) 9 years ago
^^^^groans loudly^^^^^^
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Posted by Duncan Bonine (+273) 9 years ago
After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.

"Great food, no atmosphere."
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Posted by Duncan Bonine (+273) 9 years ago
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Well there's certainly a wealth of material we could draw upon from the Old West.

For instance . . . I recently learned that famed sharp-Annie Oakley had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it wasn't until long after her death that she truly became famous.

Don't believe me? Heck, just look at all the Carrie Oakley bars there are today.
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Posted by howdy (+4950) 9 years ago
I nomimate Hal as the King of bad jokes so far.
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Posted by Deadeye (+29) 9 years ago
Ouch!!!
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
>> I nomimate Hal as the King of bad jokes so far

Well that's certainly a crowning achievement. I'm glad to hear that I haven't been wasting my time in a feudal effort. But you're quite right to say "so far". I'm sure that sooner or later someone will come along with an even worse joke and I'll be throne out. But enough of these peasantries, let's get back to the jokes.
= = = = = = =


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll have to wait your turn . . . just be a little patient."
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Posted by howdy (+4950) 9 years ago
I think the King is very PUNNY
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Posted by Duncan Bonine (+273) 9 years ago
The psychiatrist entered his waiting room to see a distraught patient arguing with himself. The patient grew increasingly agitated and upset with each phrase that he uttered; "I'm a wigwam", "No, I'm a teepee", "I'm a wigwam", "I'm a teepee", "I'm a wigwam", "I'm a teepee"... and on and on.

After a few moments of observation, the good Dr. approached the patient and said, "Sir! Relax, you're two tents"!
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Posted by Dustin (+91) 9 years ago
A man walked into a psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist said "I can clearly see your nuts!"
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Did you hear about the guy who was so badly injured in a car
accident that doctors had to amputate the entire left side of his body?



No?



Well he's all right now.

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Posted by Dustin (+91) 9 years ago
Q. What did the digital clock say to his mom?

A. "Look mom, no hands!"
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Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+192) 9 years ago
What do women do with their anuses? {Remaining PC}
Pack him a lunch, and send him to work!

What do you call a woman without an anus? {See note above}
Single!

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Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+192) 9 years ago
Straight out of the old west........

A dog limps in to a bar. Stands in the middle of the floor, and says: "I'm lookin' fer the guy that shot my paw!"

[This message has been edited by KELLY BABCOCK (edited 12/8/2007).]
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Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+192) 9 years ago
A buddy of mine bought one of these new "male enhancement" products, because he wanted a member that would touch the floor. Sure emough, after only a week, his legs had shrunk by 2 feet.
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Posted by ike eichler (+1208) 9 years ago
On the subject of tasteless jokes---------2 North Dakota guys were heading east towards Montana when the passenger announced he had to go. The next rest stop was one of the old fashioned ones with just a pair of two-holers. The guy rushs in and after some time emerges with his coat dripping and stinking. The driver says, 'what happened? you are not getting in this car with that stinking coat"!! The guy explained, he took off his coat and sat down but the coat fell in the other hole. "Well, why diden't you just leave it there" the driver asked. I would have but I had a sandwich in the pocket he said. Ike
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Posted by howdy (+4950) 9 years ago
EAST towards Montana from North Dakota? Interesting directions.
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Posted by ike eichler (+1208) 9 years ago
Howdy, That is the trouble with North Dakota jokes, you never know which direction they are headed.
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Posted by ike eichler (+1208) 9 years ago
A cowboy walks into a bar in the middle of the afternoon and straddles a stool and orders a shot with a beer chaser. As the bartender was gettig it the cowboy notices that there is only one other customer, An older,skinny, unattrative woman at the end of the bar. She is nursing a drink and smoking a long cigarette. As the bartender serves him the drinks the Cowboy says, "and give that old douche bag at the end of the bar a drink too." She turns with, "screw you you SOB" and a bunch more choice words. I can buy my own drinks!! The cowboy tips back his hat and with his best smile says, "sorry M'aam I was just funnin' diden't mean any thing by it" Well OK then thanks. The bartender asks her what she will have and she says, "give me a vinegar and water".
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Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+192) 9 years ago
Gather 'round children, for the time has come to finally tell the story. The story of a man that few have even heard of, let alone know the whole history of. This was not by accident. It was by design. The only way that this man could survive, was if you never knew he was there.

The man I speak of, was not a nice man. In fact, one may say, he was an evil man. See, he was a hit man; a killer for hire. And very, very good at his job. Through out his entire career, he had never come close to being caught. He was never seen. He never left clues, to his identity. Let us now call this man "Artie." Artie the hit man. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Artie the hit man.

One of the reasons Artie had never been caught, was because he was very careful about the jobs he took on. He knew his clients, and he researched his jobs.

Now, into our story, enters another man. His name is of no import. All you need to know of him, is that he has a job for Artie. He wants his wife killed. After a long and exhaustive search, this man finds Artie. Or more accuratly Artie finds him. A voice on the phone says, "This is Artie, and I understand you are looking for me." After listening to the mans request, Artie agrees, and goes about explaining what he needs. Things like, her daily agenda, her normal routine, a picture, and a description of her car. He tells his new client where to leave the information, and hangs up.

Artie retrieves the information, and goes about making his plans. He begins following the woman. Trying to form the plan in his mind. For days this goes on. During this time Artie discovers two things. The first: the only place that Artie can guarantee that she will be, is at a Safeway in her neighborhood, where she shopped every Tuesday night. And the other, more disturbing thing; Artie knows her. In fact she is someone from Artie's past. A woman that hurt him bad. In fact, Artie had never met a more hateful woman. Or one that deserved to die, more than she did.

So Artie calls his new client, and explains that he will do the "job." With pleasure! In fact, Artie was tempted to do it for free, but being a pro, Artie couldn't do that. He has to charge a fee of some kind. Artie decides on a dollar. 1 buck.

As Artie had ben following this woman around, the hate inside of him had boiled, until it was a festering, open sore. The only way, Artie was going to calm his soul, was going to be to kill this woman slow; painfully. Artie has decided to choke this spiteful, hateful, woman to death. He wanted to feel the life ooze from her body, as her bulging eyes realize who he is at the last minute.

Artie stakes himself out in the Safeway parking lot, on that fateful Tuesday night. Waiting for his prey. Here she comes. Just as she opens the door, Artie grabs her, closing his hands around her neck, squeezig with all of his strength, until her lifeless body slumps to the ground.

Artie gets up, quickly surveying the parking lot, to make sure he hasn't been seen. But as is wont to happen, for the first time in his career, Artie has been seen. While he was throtteling his victim, another customer had pulled in, and was now running for the store. Artie gives chase. Finally catching her at the last moment. But in his single minded hate, for his original victim, Artie had not brought any other type of weapon, so all he could do is choke this one also. Trying to make this one fast and painless, Artie chokes the life from this innocent witness.

Now, as Murphy's law will tell you, if it can go wrong, it will. Just as Artie turns to leave, a box boy leaves the store, with his arms full of groceries. Cursing himself for not remembering a knife, a gun, a bomb, something; Artie again resorts to the only action he can. He chokes the life from yet another body. Quickly, before anything else can go wrong, Artie flees the scene, thinking that he has gotten away, one more time.

No one knows for sure, how the police tracked him down, but after a short, but complete investigation, Artie is caught. Hauled in to jail, and booked for First Degree Murder, while the towns newspaper heralds the arrest with: ARTIE CHOKES, THREE FOR A BUCK, AT SAFEWAY."

Thank you, for listening.
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Posted by K.Duffy (+1669) 9 years ago
Two guys sitting a bar. 1st One: "So what's new?"

Second One: "I had to shoot my dog yesterday."

1st One: "That's awful! Was he mad?"

2nd One: "Well he wasn't HAPPY about it!"
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Posted by J Tapia (+10) 9 years ago
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP!

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin.

... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.
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Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+192) 9 years ago
Q: Why can't Viagra make a clock to advertise it's product?

A: Because it's always time to get up!
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Some years back our neighbors, Abraham and Anna, used to go for a stroll nearly every evening. Quite often they'd end up down by the creek where they'd cross the old footbridge and walk through the park. One evening though, while standing on the bridge, they had just a terrible argument . . . such language you've likely never heard in your life. It seemed like they stood there for hours and just screamed at one another at the top of their voices. Finally they ran out of stream and the yelling tapered off. But they certainly weren't ready to make up and mend fences. Rather than talk things out, he went one way and she went the other.

Everyone in the neighborhood was just amazed . . . it was after all the first time anyone ever saw Abe an Anna split.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+13049) 9 years ago
After scientists perfected the cloning technique, they decided that each person should have a copy that would be stored until the original person died, at which point the copy would carry on. At first it was decided that the clones would be made in alphabetical order. However, many people without relatives argued that they should have priority so that they could carry on their names. The scientists decided this was fair and decreed, "Let him who is without kin stash the first clone."
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Posted by KELLY BABCOCK (+192) 9 years ago
I was sitting in an adult drinking establishment, one evening, when an obviously intoxicated fella walked in, and sat down a couple of stools away from me. Scanning the bar for what may be his best prospects, his eyes fall upon a couple of fine looking ladies at the end of the bar. After calling the bartender over, he orders a drink for himself, and a bottle of very expensive wine sent down to the ladies. The bartender tells the guy that he'll be more than happy to do whatever he wants, but the gals at the end of the bar are lesbians. He thinks about it for a minute, and says, "go ahead any way." After about a half an hour the scene is pretty much replays, except that the barkeep tries again to tell this man, that he's wasting his money because the girls are lesbians. Another half hour; the scene repeats, except now the bartender is getting quite animate about this fool spending his money on a lost cause. "Listen buddy, I'm telling you, thoae girls are lesbians."
Fella sits there for a minute, shakes his head to clear it a bit, and says, "You keep saying that. What's a lesbian?"
Bartender says, "You know, they like girls, women; they like kissing them and touching them and..........you know."
The guy lets it sink in for a minute, calls the bartender back down, and says, "OK, so's how's about you get us 3 lesbians a drink?"

Cheers!
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Posted by Pete Petro (+288) 9 years ago
A small boy wrote to Santa-----Send me a baby brother

Santa wrote back-----Send me your mother
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Posted by Steve Sullivan (+698) 9 years ago
I just read in the Billings Gazette today that Ray Charles had purchased the worlds most expensive piano before he died and today it was auctioned off. Have you seen it? Neither did he.
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
How do you keep a fool in suspense?

.

.

.

.

.

.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+13049) 9 years ago
What do you call an anxious dinosaur?

A nervous rex!
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Q. What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat & boots and talks with a Southern drawl?

A: Tyrannosaurus tex!
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Posted by Bob Netherton (+1887) 9 years ago
After work one day, Bill heads to the neighborhood bar to meet with his freinds. They immediately notice that Bill is a lot more animated than usual. They ask him why he's so excited.
Bill replies - "I was walking home from work yesterday and when I crossed the train tracks there was a woman tied up on the tracks just like in the movies. I untied her, took her home and we made mad passionate love all night long."
"Gee, Bill" his friends replied. "What did she look like? Was she pretty?"
"I don't know." Bill replied. "I couldn't find her head."
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Posted by Cheryl Pieters (+481) 9 years ago
I don't know-is this joke Bad? Is It good? It cracked me up.....

THE SENSITIVE MAN

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"!
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Posted by Eric Brandt (+839) 9 years ago
Why do seagulls live by the sea?












Because if they lived by the bay, we'd have to call them Bagels!
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Posted by Jess Bradley (+208) 9 years ago
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?
.
.
.
a receding hare line!!
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
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Posted by Bob Netherton (+1887) 9 years ago
We may have a new winner.
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the woman was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing.

The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of tow n. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars' shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars' shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." And all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friars' store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.

Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!" The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral the story?


Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+13049) 9 years ago
What's an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls called?








Rick O'Shea.
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Posted by Bob Netherton (+1887) 9 years ago
What do you call a dinosaur that sneaks across the border?




Tyranosaurus mex.
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Posted by Richard Bonine, Jr (+13049) 9 years ago
Q. What do you call those green buildings inhabited by Irish wee folk?
A. Leprecondos!
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Posted by shannon (+77) 9 years ago
What is Irish and stays outside all year?









Patty O'Furniture
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 9 years ago
Tarzan and Jane were lying in bed early one Sunday morning. Gently, Tarzan rolled over towards Jane and started to give her a playful shoulder massage. "Oh Tarzan", she said. "Not now dear. I'm still sleepy, and besides, I'm hungry Why don't you go out and find us something for breakfast."

Tarzan grudgingly slipped on his loin cloth, stretched his muscular torso, and grabbed the first vine, heading off into the jungle. The sun was shining and all the animals of his kingdom were up and about. Tarzan stopped to talk to the zebras, play with the elephants, and take a swim in the river. He was enjoying the clear jungle morning, and the animals were enjoying his company.

Before long, Tarzan realized he had lost track of time. Jane would be waiting for breakfast, and probably upset that he was not back. He grabbed a vine and started swinging towards his tree top home, looking for something suitable for a breakfast meal. He saw too golden birds fluttering above him, and with a Tarzan-like move he swung around, switched vines, and swooped down on the two golden birds, breaking their necks cleanly and slipping them into his loin cloth. Continuing on his journey home he saw a small chimpanzee loitering on a tree limb. Quickly and silently he grabbed the ape, killed him with a single blow, and slung him over his shoulder (sorry, Cheetah!)

Arriving home, Jane was up, in the kitchen, setting the table. Tarzan proudly slung the chimpanzee onto the kitchen table, and removed the two golden birds from his loin cloth. Taking out his knife, Jane turned, looked at Tarzan and the feast on the table and said.."Oh Tarzan, not Finch and Chimps again"
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Posted by Bob Netherton (+1887) 9 years ago
A young couple were planning to marry soon. The bride and her mother were out shopping one day when suddenly, the bride experienced terrible chest pains. While at the hospital, the bride's mother thought she should call the future groom and let him know what was going on.

"I have something important to tell you" she started.

"What is it?" he replied.

I'm afraid I have to tell you that your future bride has acute angina" she explained.

"That's good" he replied. "She's sort of flat chested."
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Posted by Hal Neumann (+7856) 3 months ago
Q). Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

A). Because the “p” is silent.
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Posted by Bridgier (+7440) 3 months ago
How many potatoes does it take to starve an Irishman?

None.
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